May 1, 2013 - It is a wonderful time to get away from the battles, daily routines, and reminders of Tucson. I am in New Orleans for a work-related visit, and am enjoying the sights and tastes of this beautiful city. It is a city full of all sorts of sensations and temptations. And that is what I have discovered…that I am in the midst of Trigger Land. There are numerous restaurants, bars, cozy spots, romantic retreats, gardens, scenic views, and a plethora of options for fun. Tonight I have had to deal with thoughts of three of my biggest temptations - bread pudding, cigarettes, and sex. Yes, now I've gone and said it. It is really that longing to have someone to be close to and share intimately. I’m just fessing up to this part of my struggle, and to willingly confess that it is a part of my own recovery. I am learning that my vulnerability and sharing of what is really at work in me has a tremendous impact in my fighting the bonds that bind me. So, rather than keep it a secret or struggle privately, I’m just putting it out there. I am sad about not having someone to share in this venture.
Enough on that part, as I can be more open about my struggles with food and smoking. It seems I am still fighting my compulsiveness and so it just becomes a part of my sharing. I am more and more aware of how much it is my thoughts and not my actual cravings. The addictions are about filling a hole, soothing a pain, comforting the loneliness. But it is only temporary. I am going for the core…where the roots of these exist. So I must resist the temptations to satisfy the immediate in hopes to achieve the long term goal. And that, of course, is to be a FFA, to be liberated from the drive of compulsive behaviors, and to be content in myself exhibiting self-esteem, worthiness, acceptance, and love.