May 3, 2013 - I am on the airplane returning to Tucson from my New Orleans trip. I am feeling the effects of overindulgence and lack of sleep. The disappointment in myself is producing a lot of negative self-talk. There has been a departure from The Lane. I’m now faced with the choice to re-enter or stay in my guilt, despair, and negativity. It is a familiar place, albeit one I thought I had abandoned for good. Here I am, though. Feeling incomplete, overdosed, and as if I have rejected myself. I ask myself what happened. I caved. I chose to feed the wounded soul rather than remain healthy and feed the recovering one. Mostly, I drank too much. I also ate way too much. I had many foods that I would not normally eat, while not eating many of the foods I generally use for fuel. The body has not liked this. I can only imagine what it would have done if I had completely gone off track and eaten the bread pudding at one of the many places it is offered. The guilt of smoking could have really spiraled me out of control. So I am acknowledging that those boundaries were maintained. It is bringing me little comfort at this time, as I am uncomfortable with water retention, bloating, and a slight hangover. Lack of sleep is not helping matters.
I will be arriving in Tucson shortly. I am excited to be going on a women’s retreat with my church. It is an opportunity to get real with myself, to be reminded of where I am headed, what I want, and whether this is going to continue to derail me or not. Again, the adult in me wants to be healthy both physically and emotionally. This could be a very valuable lesson. Some lessons we learn the hard way. I want to take note of how I feel, how the short term indulgence affects me. In a lot of ways, this is what I have feared, although not as bad as the real fear, which would have been that I both ate the bread pudding (or whatever it is that is just represented by the bread pudding) and smoked. I have feared that once I act out I will lose control completely and not get back into the Lane. I need to face my fears; I need to deal with relapse and disappointment. It is part of life. It is progress not perfection. I am trying to show myself the compassion that I would have for someone else. I want to affirm my efforts because I am worth fighting for. I am trying to live in forgiveness for poor choices.