More on My Blasted Compulsive Behavior

I have not hidden my struggle with my addictions that are embroiled within the codependent behavior for which I am in recovery. This month, culminating this week in a look-myself-squarely-in-the-face reality check, I have been dealing with love addiction. I acknowledge that my overwhelming thoughts on this are along the lines of "Really? More compulsivity to address? Can't I just be done with this? Is there no end to the ways I find myself thinking and acting compulsively?"

I have a history toward the obsessive side most notedly regarding food and cigarettes. I also tend to use spending, given the chance, and I can see the lure in drinking and gambling. I recognize the addictive behavior and how it just shifts from one vice to another. It is all about that chemical fix to relieve the pain and obtain that momentary high. Oh, that blasted coping skill! 

I have learned that in addition to the aforementioned, I also get a buzz from the attention and newness of a relationship. Now that I am facing singleness and  beginning a new chapter in my life, the old patterns have surfaced. Wouldn't you know it, so has the addiction. I have been slightly dismissive of the knowledge that I am a love addict. It has been the topic of many a session with Debra, yet it didn't seem to be having much of an effect on me, or so I thought. I was, afterall, working heartily at overcoming the food and cigarette fix and doing my Twelve-Steps on co-dependency. I really did not embrace wanting to take on more. Debra had recommended some readings on this topic, however, and I appreciate Pia Mellody's work, Facing Love Addiction. The insight gained is so very valuable. Knowledge, it seems in and of itself, though, does not replace the need to confront and overcome the compulsive behavior. If that is all it took, I would not be struggling. And struggling I have been.

I'm writing here to reflect and share my recent experience. I do this as part of my efforts to stay in, or in this case return to, The Healing Lane. I acknowledge that with the recent high of feeling the connection (real or imagined) followed by the painful low of facing the reality of what I have been doing has prompted a temporary departure from The Lane. The unhealthy behavior has included nurturing a flood of thoughts and emotions in-congruent with the development of the relationship, hence imagining a relationship that is not yet a coupleship. It has included an onslaught of my texting without response; the imagined reciprocated feelings; what my dear friend refers to as "making a cake out of the crumbs I've been given." Even when I began seeing myself engaging in this, I didn't want to stop myself. 

Fortunately, I'm getting used to recognizing when I'm in that compulsive mindset, and that it leads to disaster. I commend myself for confronting the behavior before it got completely out-of-hand (I recognize that this is a relative statement, so out-of-hand by my standards). Although I avoided a head-on collision from my Lane departure, it brought with it shame and guilt. Those residues are lingering yet today. 

I am getting much better at resisting the urge to not act out in food or smoking, but the desire to do so still surfaces far too often. I want to remain humbled and to not take my sobriety for granted. Which is why I share this latest trial here - my on-line journal. I never know if my experiences resonate with others or not. My desire is that by being open, I provide an opportunity for discovery. Debra gave me the nicest compliment today along those lines; and that is being authentic is the most sincere form of vulnerability that one can exhibit. I have chosen to stay in the fight; the fight for my health, serenity, and relationships. I renew my commitment to dare greatly by sharing my struggles. The arena is a place that one gets knocked around. So it seems fitting.

Bottom line - when I am in my addict mode, I am not authentic. I am hiding, medicating, seeking relief, avoiding, ... which is not genuine nor authentic. Being authentic and vulnerable is all about The Healing Lane, and I know that is where I want to be. 

Celebrating in The Lane

Time for some celebrating!

Thursday, September 19 marks my 200th day of no smoking! I have had many days when I wanted to smoke, but I have not had even one cigarette. Kudos, Sara! Compliments, congratulations, and chips are all being accepted. I can picture your applause as I sail along my Healing Lane, smiling, fragrant, blooming, happy. Thanks, by the way.

Friday, September 20 I attend my high school class reunion. I had planned on being a bit slimmer, but I realized a few weeks back that better than a slim body, is a healthy body, mind, and soul! I am that! I have worked on being healthy and it is paying off. My physical health is the best it has been in a very long time (all health reports are good!). I am emotionally on the mend and can honestly say I am loving myself.  I will show up as the authentic, happy, spunky, social, caring, compassionate, genuinely grateful me. I'm ok with who I am. That is worth celebrating indeed!

Saturday, September 21 I attend my cousin's wedding shower. Yes, that is a celebration in itself. It is worth noting here because I have missed so many of these family events. I moved from Iowa over 29 years ago, and I have missed a lot of family events. A whole generation has happened in my absence. This divorce marks a desire to stay connected to family in a new way. Or perhaps it is my middle-age. Again, I get to not only attend, but be the person that they remember. The Sara that was embracing her adulthood with open arms has returned. They remember her, and they will be happy to see her. It is truly a wonderful homecoming.

Sunday, September 22 I will finish my trip with my parents, my precious Sophia, and my best high school pal and friend. Talk about being surrounded in love! I will have seen my brother, his kids, extended family, classmates, friends, and my beloved Iowa. Sometimes the Healing Lane takes me places that are just pure joy. That is when I take note to pause, enjoy, and mark the memory with smells, sights, and sounds that I may recall at a later time. The Lane has more ahead, and most assuredly, there will be days I will need to recall this time.

Twenty-five Years

I am sitting here, the evening before my 25^th wedding anniversary, and can’t help but feel that I have been cheated out of the dream I had when I stood before the 200+ guests at my wedding. Part of that dream was celebrating my silver wedding anniversary. That is the time when life is supposed to start getting easier, having proven the testing of love and raised the children. In my marriage, we had talked of celebrating with a long-anticipated trip. Instead, we are in the midst of mediating our divorce and closing the books on 25 years of marriage. There is no celebration.

I am angry at not having a marriage that could endure and survive the trials of betrayal and addiction. I am painfully sad that I am now alone and facing this new season as a single person, just when I was preparing for the opportunities that open up when there are no children at home. And now with singleness I am fearful that I do not have the resources to maintain my current lifestyle. Yes, there is an absence of joy. It is a time to grieve my loss and to feel and express these emotions. Divorce is difficult, painful, death, and loss.

I wrestle with reconciling that indeed all these things are valid, and yet, I will still press onward and hold onto the new dream that this next season offers hope beyond what today’s feelings hold. They can co-exist. The devastation of divorce does not last forever. It will not always be this painful, but today it just is. I realize it isn’t missing the person as much as allowing the death of the dream of growing old together; of being together until death do us part. I hadn’t realized that the death that do us part was the death of the marriage. My friend Erma reminded me that although the marriage failed, neither of us are failures. Sometimes it still feels like that, though. This is why I keep pressing onward in The Healing Lane. I have needed to accept that I alone cannot save a marriage. I alone am not responsible for making the marriage work. I alone am not responsible for the success or failure of it.

Sometimes being in The Lane is about acknowledging that I am powerless over the circumstances, yet have complete control over how I handle it. Handling it doesn’t imply that I have to do it perfectly or with a smile or without help. Staying in The Lane can simply be done by being honest and authentic with myself and my emotions and thoughts as they become apparent to me. I am doing just that, partially by sharing them here. It still is my 25^th wedding anniversary whether it is celebrated or not; I need to acknowledge that.