Does anger imply unforgiveness? This morning I think I have
uncovered a belief that might be part of my obstacle with expressing anger,
coming from my discomfort of having anger to begin with. I want to be healthy
with my feelings and emotions, allowing myself to feel anger rather than
default to pain and crying. Interrupting
that cycle is not easy, but I’m willing to do what I need to do to get to the
other side of this.
I wasn’t overjoyed over my assignment to list the things
that I am angry about concerning my brother David, but I did embrace the
possibility that I could get clarity and become released from the pain cycle I
experience so regularly. I shared with my mother some of the things that were
discussed at therapy yesterday, in particular about the relationship with David
and my struggle with anger. She brought up that I needed to forgive and be
released from the resentment (something along those lines). Now I’m experiencing
something that I hadn't anticipated – anger over not being allowed to have my
anger without something else attached to it. Right now, I have this sense that
I have to be justified in my anger: that anger is bad unless there is something
righteous about it. I am feeling defensive about having anger, yet wanting to
express it. Even further, I am aware of wanting to be validated for the work
around anger and how difficult it has been for me to do this. There is a lot of
young Sara in this, I see.
The interesting part is how this issue of anger has tapped
into an anger source. Why do I feel so compelled to dismiss my anger? Why do I
not feel comfortable being angry? Why does forgiveness have to be attached to
my anger? Can’t I just be angry without being offended and resentful and
justified? I am angry that the issue of anger was so huge that I couldn't (wouldn't?)
be angry for myself. Instead, it was expected that I be compliant, respectful,
helpful, agreeable, pleasant, happy, trusting, dependable. There wasn't any
room for anger. I've bought into this thinking, or perhaps I created it. I just
know that being angry doesn't come easily unless it is in defense of someone
else. Then it comes rather quickly.
So today I press inward with intention and tenacity to feel
what I don’t want to feel. I strap on my recovery cloak and mentally go to
places that are difficult to remember. I do this because I love myself enough to
believe there is a happier life on the other side of this pain. I trust the
process even though I want to run, hide, medicate, and otherwise become numb to
all of this. I grow tired of this work but I continue on with determination.
I think I was the “hero” of the family. I recall being asked
about the roles we each take on in our family of origin. It just seems apparent
that as the middle child, the girl, the compliant one, the pleaser…I was the
hero (rather than the clown, the scapegoat, etc). So when I hear in my head, “Sara,
what’s your problem? You don’t have to be so angry about it.” I wonder what was
that about? What am I really feeling? Where do I go with that anger?
When Eric felt anger, he got angry. Or least he did often
enough that I remember it very vividly. When he was done being angry he reappeared
in his charming manner, quickly returning to the family fold most notably to my
mother’s good graces. His anger was attributed to his maleness and his genealogy.
When I got angry, it wasn't the same. I felt the disapproval which usually resulted
in my going to my room, crying, and feeling alone as if I had done something
wrong, ushering in guilt and shame.
I’m being told that I need to feel my anger, yet it is so
hard to access. And when I do, it is deeply painful. Attached to experiencing
that painful anger is the fear of what happens when I do, meaning I associate there
being rejection, loneliness, guilt, and shame. So that pretty much covers it…anger
carries with it all of the other feelings: pain, fear, loneliness, guilt,
shame.
I think I have to be with this for a while. Fortunately, The
Healing Lane offers some good views and some helpful tools.
