Let’s Soak in This for Awhile

I reflect today on the feelings of emerging from a three-month soaking.  Somewhere in the fall I knew I was in a different season of recovery and I didn't much care for it. It is when I stopped blogging altogether, I had physical limitations with my neck and shoulder, and I felt stuck because I didn't feel like I was moving.  There is a difference I have learned between being stuck, and being still.

In this recovery journey, there have been those moments I call “a-ha” awareness or “you-have-got-to-be-kidding me” awareness, or the gut-wrenching “great, now that I see this, what next?” awareness.  (That last one is a butt-kicker, by-the-way.)  My instinct response to a new awareness is to move forward.  Let’s just clip along, get this dealt with, and get over it. That is not The Therapist’s response. Hers: “Now, just let it soak.”

The first time she told me this was over the phone when I had phoned her in desperation. I was a crying mess, I had feelings and memories surface about my childhood that were extremely painful. I wanted to medicate, flee, do SOMETHING, to move out of that pain.  And her reply to the appeal…”just be with it for now.”  For us doers, that really is like a sentence term. Not doing something is to not perform and to not produce…it’s not moving forward! I remember thinking “This soaking, being, baking, resting, sit-with-it stuff may be needed for some, but not me. I get it, now let’s get on with it.” The problem is I didn’t have enough tools to know what to do with what had just been uncovered. I had no choice but to sit and soak.  Well, actually I did have a choice. I could medicate. Fortunately, I did not choose that path.

So soaking has become a part of the recovery process for me.  Work, read, pray, press-in, meditate, discuss, reflect, soak,…the process was working rather well.  I got used to the ebb and flow. I've written quite a bit about my journey.  And then the postings stopped, as did the familiar ebb and flow. I didn't write because I didn't know what to write. I felt stuck. I complained to Debra. She said she would let me know if she felt that my recovery wasn't progressing. Yes, I continued to deal with things in my life - for instance the issue of my love addiction took a front row seat to the work I was doing. But it still felt awkward and uncomfortable. I wanted to feel a shift. I wanted more evidence.

At one session, Debra gave me her baking a cake analogy: in essence, the combining of cake ingredients does not produce a cake until it is baked. (I got a much longer, elaborate version, or course!)  I had a lot of ingredients deposited in me and I needed to allow time for them to bake. Given my sugar and flour abstinence, we will return to the soaking metaphor. 

The days became weeks which then became months.  I call it my “Season of Soaking.”  I often questioned whether I was making any progress or not. Actually, I do kind of relate to that cake just sitting there wondering if anything is happening. And low and behold, something did!

In the last few weeks I have felt less cake-like but instead like a bloom bursting forth or the butterfly emerging from its cocoon. My recent blog postings To be Cherished by The One Who Loves Me and My Vision Revisited give insight to the wonderful things happening within me. I am indeed grateful and joyful and very much in a totally new place. This post is to acknowledge the value in what I couldn't see was so important – that there is something to that soaking. During that time I didn't stop doing my work. I didn't stop reflecting, pressing in, meditating, and reading. The awareness continued, but with far less fervor.

My God, has courted me, loved me, and cherished me. From that has come a sense of value and self-esteem, and so much, that I would gladly soak another umpteen months to receive these gifts. There are others, too. I have awareness around the idea of being still. One aspect of that is to relax…to chill…to rest in what is being done, has been done, and what is yet to come. It is a new awareness all in itself.  I get it. Be still; soak; let God do His work.

To be Cherished by The One Who Loves Me

In recovery, we talk about our Higher Power, the God of our understanding, and various elements to a spiritual awakening. I reflect on recent events and the life-changing gift to me where I know I crossed over to a new place in recovery where serenity replaces insanity.

The context begins with my efforts to undercover how my behavior as a love addict shows up in my life. Most obvious is the holding onto and remaining in a relationship that is unhealthy.  There are other elements around having few healthy boundaries, feeling empty and incomplete when alone, the need to rescue and/or be rescued to name a few. I uncovered an area in my life that I hadn't seen as part of this addiction – assigning magical qualities to others and then after idealizing them, blame them for not fulfilling our fantasies and expectations.

Facing this pattern of mine – I have done this in romantic, family, friend, and recovery relationships – has not been pleasant by any means. Most recently when I saw this in an important relationship to me, I wanted to hide, to ignore it, pretend it really wasn't there, minimize it.  The fears of losing the relationship and feeling rejected were very present. However, I reviewed my options. The only suitable and acceptable one in my world was to just press on by accepting the consequences. The amazing thing is that once I did that, and decided to own my behavior, feelings, and thoughts, the negative power behind the fears disseminated. I had a whole new outlook before me. I felt strength and hope and began picturing how I can show up as a healthy adult in not only that one, but in all my relationships.

That night and the next morning, a transformation happened.  The mostly head knowledge of being loved and cherished by God became heart knowledge. I felt from within His amazing acceptance and love. I describe this as being cherished. I could see myself through new lens. Then this amazing gift of being loved permeated into my being and I could believe that if God loved me through and through, who am I to not believe that? By golly, then I am lovable! I am beautiful! And I am a catch! That is how it came to me…those three sentences. So I have been repeating them several times a day. It is making a difference!

As I meditate on what God has been showing me about His care for me in the details of my life I realize that He has been courting me! He has diligently been giving me all sorts of indications that He has His eye on me…that He finds me irresistible (there is a wink in there I believe). This morning I had the privilege of sharing my experience, strength, and hope around my recent gift – I call it “The Miracle” – and in reviewing it, I see the change in me.

This [knowing that I am cherished by God] is what I've come to realize that recovery is all about. When we are trying to get power, control outcome, obtain something out of our control – these all belong to God – then my life becomes unmanageable. The inner peace marked by serenity comes with the love, acceptance, and worthiness we each have as His creation.  We can’t earn it, lose it, or change it. No one can provide that for me but I can receive it for myself.

My Vision Revisited

Today marks the one year anniversary of The Healing Lane. At the urging of my friends and therapist, I decided to start a blog about my recovery. This is my 60^th post and I am grateful to have this forum to share my thoughts, to journal my story, and to chronicle my recovery. There is something very therapeutic for me in writing this blog. I have often felt the nervousness from being so vulnerable in spite of my willingness to be open and honest about this struggle. I appreciate the comments from friends and followers about the blog, with appreciation for sharing with me when it has provided insight, understanding, or even humor.

Today’s gift came this morning when I got the thought to think of my little Sara as an adult. I felt that God was showing me how to grow this image of myself as this precious little girl into what I would want for her if she were my own daughter. He was asking me to start envisioning what preciousness looks like at age 25, 35, or even 50. This exercise has me considering the potential for redirecting my own energies about myself. In particular, I believe He is showing me how to re-frame the feelings about myself that are buried deep within, yet are powerfully and negatively impacting me.

This inner child work is difficult for me. Debra has been giving me exercises that involve working with the thoughts and feelings of a very young me. We call her little Sara. There is a well of sadness and silence, encasing the depth of her wanting to be accepted, loved, approved, and seen. The adorable blonde, curly-haired, blue-eyed little angel covered up so much of her authentic self in an effort to be loved as she understood it. She took on the adult thoughts around her, suppressing her own childhood desires and I believe without a lot of signs to indicate the coping behavior. She was agreeable, dependable, responsible, happy, and to most adults, the dream child. And she was rewarded for all this good behavior. So what was missing? Temper tantrums and expressions of her needs. I am starting to understand that she didn't want to have needs. She didn't know how to voice wanting them met, and the guilt and shame for having them has permeated her for 40 some odd years. There is no blame; there isn’t any anger about this. I am learning to accept and understand that of no intention, this was how I adapted my behaviors to get the approval, love, and attention I desired. And if I didn't have a boatload of addictive behaviors indicating something is amiss, I wouldn't be dealing with this today. 

This little girl loved life and she was mostly happy. In part, she was loved because she did behave so very well. She didn’t get all she needed, but she got a lot. There are gifts to draw upon. There is strength to muster. There is love to receive and to give. The story continues because I have not given up on her story, which of course is me today. I want to get to the heart and soul of why I do things that are not in my best overall healthy interest.  Like for instance...the marked question that set me on this path..."why did I tolerate the intolerable for 24 years?" 

So when God asked me about my little Sara, there is quite a context of work I’ve been doing in learning to love her, love me, and overcome the pain of today.  What would I want for my little Sara when I see her as an adult? What is the vision I have for little Sara as a fully functioning adult Sara – forgetting that little Sara is now the big Sara of today. Let’s just say I am able to start over…what would I envision her to be like?

Most importantly, I would want her to feel loved. My guess is that we all want that for our children. So of COURSE I want her to know love for herself and from others. I would want her to experience the joy of living and giving. I would want her to feel empowered and enriched by the experiences in and through her environment. I would want her to feel comfortable in her own skin – to accept the flaws, strengths, gifts, warts, beauty, personality, assets, shortcomings, and imperfections that make her who she is. I would want her to know her worth and to make her mark in this world. I want her to ultimately fulfill her purpose in life – the reason God brought her into this world. I would not want her to allow others’ opinions of her to negatively affect her opinion of herself.  I envision confidence, joy, love, peace, acceptance, authentic living. Yes, most definitely, I envision her loving herself and others, and being loved.

To realize that this is what my own mother has wanted for me too is very important. She continues to pray for these very kinds of things, and is willing to do whatever she can to help see this come to pass in my life (and hers). The precious little Sara that I hold in my heart is the Sara that she birthed, held in her arms, and desired for all good and wonderful things to come to her. I have come to understand that those deep needs that still exist from my childhood are  my opportunities. I am able to parent myself and co-parent with God to meet those needs.  

I am starting to grasp that even greater than my own vision or even my mother’s vision for me, is God’s vision for me. How He sees me, how He loves me, and how He is working on my behalf is the real key to acceptance and healing. My spiritual lesson is to receive that.  My battle is to combat the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that go AGAINST this truth.  To continue in the negative images and beliefs is the crux of my unmanageability. It leads me down paths of destruction and pain.

This blog is The Healing Lane. It is about revisiting the past for restoration and redemption. I have gratitude today. It is a cruising day as I often call them, for the recognition of my progress – not perfection – and for where I'm headed. That's the Vision Revisited.