Facing the Scale

Last week I implemented the “take it one day at a time” recovery plan. I pulled out the Al-Anon poem “Just for Today” and realized that I can refrain from smoking just for today. And so I didn't smoke that day. Nor the next. Nor the next. And today I am still saying "just for today" I won’t smoke. I’m seeing that it is building strength.

So in this newly acquired strength, I decided yesterday morning that I was going to face another area I've been avoiding – my weight. I hadn't weighed myself for three months, so this was very much a step from avoidance toward acceptance. I thought, “Whatever it is, I will just have to deal with it.”  I had a number in my head that I was prepared for, and just prayed it wasn't more than that. So I pulled out the scale and after I got on it, I thought, “Well, great. Now my scale is broken. How am I going to know what I really weigh?” I began conjuring up all sorts of ideas of getting a clear read to see how off my scale was. Then the thought came to me: maybe my scale isn't wrong. Just maybe that is my weight.  I began assessing the situation with more thought as to the fit of my clothes and so on. So I decided that I would accept the verdict: I am 12 pounds less than I thought I was! After all, I was still wearing the same clothes I wore when I knew I weighed that. A big weight gain would likely require a different set of clothes. The facts started to mount in favor of the scale being accurate. Hmmm. How often do I ignore the facts while allowing my thoughts to make up their own reality?

Perhaps a little more reflection on this could provide some insight into why I do what I do. Let me provide a better context for my thinking why I had gained 15 pounds. The last few months have not been easy for me - the last round of divorce dealings, the physical limitations from a sore back and neck, along with an overall emotional constipation all combined to produce this sense of stagnancy in my recovery. I complained about it to Debra on more than one occasion. During this time, I returned to smoking, stopped following the eating plan that I have determined as optimal for my health, and battled with love addiction behaviors. Those responses brought feelings of failure and a defeatist mentality. In addition, by my not maintaining an exercise program, I was all too aware of the shift in my body’s tone and overall feeling. Failure was all too familiar and I was feeling fat. In my mind, I was much heavier than evidently I am, not to ignore that I had indeed gained some weight just not 15 pounds, more like 3 since November. This speaks to the extremes we codependents and addicts often go. I had focused all too much on what I wasn't doing for myself while not acknowledging what I actually was doing on behalf of my recovery health.  I hadn't given up on myself, and I have had some of the toughest battles since starting recovery. 

I can smile at seeing the irony in not believing the scale. There are several gifts in this for me. First up, geez – that’s 12 pounds I don’t have to lose yet again! I don’t have to buy a new scale either.  Even more valuable, is that I was prompted to be more honest with myself in a positive manner. I see this pattern of mine to be willing to look at my mistakes, my part in the failure of my marriage, my shortcomings, my weaknesses and strongholds. It is far more difficult for me to affirm my efforts and acknowledge my accomplishments, my strengths, and my assets. This experience is just one of many that illustrate the need to avoid the extremes but rather be comfortable in that middle area we call “the gray”.  That is where I find acceptance of my weaknesses and strengths; where they coexist and I’m neither more nor less lovable.  I can live with that. It is a nice thought as I set course in some Lane coasting today.

Just for Today

    Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
     Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, “that most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
     Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my luck as it comes, and fit myself to it.
     Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer.  I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
     Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I don’t want to do just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
     Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I won’t find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.
     Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests:  hurry and indecision.
     Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.
     Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

My View from the Shadows

There is a consistent theme to my recovery meditations and feedback this week: assess your progress.  On several occasions I have been asked to think on my life a year ago and then reflect on where I am today. That is Higher Power speaking to me without question. It is time to get current. I recognize that I have not posted on this blog for three months and I must admit I have some guilt over that. It doesn't feel good. This blog is an important tool for my recovery and not using it has not been to my benefit. That in itself isn't very Healing Lane behavior.

The last three months have presented challenges so very different that the previous fifteen when I have been able to describe the pace and feel of clipping along in The Lane. The growth pains, the awareness, the breakthroughs, the new perspectives, and so forth have all been a very real and tangible part of my recovery. I have been able to reflect with honesty and vulnerability my experiences.  Through the ups and downs, I managed to find myself back to that current within the Healing Lane. And then came November.

I wouldn't say today that I left the Lane. However, it feels completely different. I have been looking for the obvious signs of recovery; the obvious feelings of recovering. My biggest struggle was indeed not feeling that I was making progress. There has been a lack of tangible evidence, or so I thought. I likened it to a weight-loss plateau. I have felt a wall, a ceiling, being stagnant.  Meanwhile, some unhealthy behaviors returned. This part isn't’t easy for me, but my commitment to be honest requires that I put this out there. I returned to smoking; I began eating some foods that I normally don’t eat; and I found myself numbing in different ways such as computer games and shopping. However, in my disclosure I will acknowledge that I also finished my weaning of the anti-depressant I’d been taking for 9 ½ years. I began attending additional meetings to help me address my love addiction. I had some on-going neck and back issues (noted correlation) and a cold that lasted for a month. There were holidays and travels and perhaps worth noting, my divorce was finalized.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could easily package up our thoughts, feelings, issues and just plot out our recovery plan? It doesn't work that way. Life just doesn't work that way. And really…when it is all said and done, I don’t think I would want to be so prepared anyway. The unknown is certainly frightening. “What next?!” But it has some appealing aspects, too. If I knew everything that needed to happen, when it should happen, and how to handle it…well, first I’d have some sort of insider deal with God and secondly, I likely wouldn't need all this recovery anyway. Heck, I’d have insight that I currently don’t have and I could use it for all sorts of good. No, the appealing aspect of the unknown is that God has all kinds of ways to teach me how to handle things, and to show me His love for me by handling the things I don’t need to handle. Serenity prayer comes to mind.

Yes, it is pretty much summed up in that prayer. Learning what are the things I am to change, what things are not mine, and the wisdom to know the difference. The important lesson for me is that I am not in charge! I am (still) powerless to the things that belong to God and when I try to behave otherwise my life starts to become unmanageable. The resistance to all that has been going on with me is that I wanted to be in charge. I wanted to feel like I was making progress. I wanted to see improvement and what I eventually began to understand, is that I was trying to earn my own worthiness by doing my recovery “well”. No wonder I wasn't feeling so serene.

During this time I have been wrestling with a lot of old, defeating tapes playing while still holding onto the awareness I've obtained this far and utilizing the tools of recovery available to me. The sense of failure has been a big one. Shame spirals do not promote healing, and I have had to consistently confess that I have allowed negative thoughts to bounce around in my head. The hope I share is that I recognize that I was wrestling – I did not give up, not forfeit, not throw in the towel. I remained in the battle. That recognition and affirmation of my efforts is a very significant change. I can’t wrap it up and present it as nicely or clearly as some of my other lessons and breakthroughs. But it is a biggie. It is the change I have sought.

So it comes back to the basics. Acceptance. Let go and let God. Gratitude. Progress not perfection. I am so thankful for today and for taking the time to reflect on the view from the Lane. It has felt obscured, but sometimes it is shadowy and not quite so scenic. Yet, I recognize, it is still part of the journey and down the Lane I go.