Is that Some More Anger?

During my drive to work today I was doing a feelings check because I knew I was in a different place. I could identify sadness and both emotional and physical pain (I had a nasty fall last night) but there was more to it than that. And then I realized it: I felt anger. Anger? Really? That is different for me…to actually realize I had some anger? I wasn't sure about what and maybe it doesn't even matter. The breakthrough is that I recognized it and I didn't go about ignoring it. I knew I wanted to express it so I did what I know to do: I bought a bag of ice and planned some ice therapy.

It was an additional hour before I actually went about executing my call to ice throwing. I kind of let the feelings soak for a bit. The odd part is that I don’t have any specific memory or reason, but I’m just angry.  My anger feelings are so intertwined with pain and crying, I often have a lot of tears with my anger. Not today. I can feel the tears just below the surface – but this is for all the anger that hasn't been expressed and for the woman that stuffed her anger with food or smoked away her pain or sought out opportunities to avoid her reality. I believe today a lot of this anger is for the Sara of today – not just little Sara who didn't have a voice. It is for the voice of the present.

Throwing ice is the perfect anger release for me. Ice is hard and when it shatters it provides a certain kind of satisfaction quite suitable for anger release. It is also cold bringing an additional sensation to my body, and finally, there is no clean up (a big appeal). I've found that throwing the ice downward is the most rewarding. Today I used two hands and I gave it the full body throw. I’m just a step away from it counting as a workout, but it does count as temper tantrum (something that has been recommended to me in therapy).  I tried something else today. I took the end of the bag of ice and just pounded it against the wall.  I've had some difficulty with hitting or stomping, so this is another great advancement for me. Wow did that feel good. I see more of that in my future.

Now to the anger – the interesting part is I that I had no words.  Maybe they will come to me later today. I’m just angry. I don’t want to be going through this divorce, but I don’t want to be married to the addict either. I just want it to be over. I don’t want to be alone, but I want to be adult and responsible which requires my facing this separation anxiety (loneliness) and accepting that being alone is adult behavior. I don’t’ want to be fat, but it is work changing a lifetime of eating patterns and dealing with a body that has been negatively overworked for so long and is not healthy. Writing this down and reading it sounds like a pity party which makes me even madder! I believe it is more than just self-pity, though, it is facing the powerlessness of my past – that I can’t go back and change things.  I can only move forward.  I’m angry about being in this place when I have tried so hard to do the right things in my life. I don’t want to be in this place any longer. I’m stuck between my past and my future and it sucks. Well, for right now, at least. 

This moving forward takes a lot of effort.  I keep thinking it will ease up. There are days when I want to retreat. And by that, I mean self-indulge. And that means medicating which is also acting out. If not that, then isolate. All of these are about turning inward and a big departure from the Healing Lane.  I have made deliberate efforts to stay IN The Lane, so I have held to the vision of being healthy and adult. I remind myself of The Promises and rewards. It helps. I remind myself of my worth and what it will feel like to be on the other side. That requires me to stay in the present and to accept that it is what it is. I have choices, and I choose to keep pressing onward, and to stay in the Healing Lane.

So throwing some ice may not sound like much, but it is for me. It has kept me in The Lane and I’ve honored myself by expressing my feelings and given them a voice. 

A Full Perspective: The Recovery Lens

Perspective is an interesting meditation for me today. I have my high school best friend visiting me this week. Of course we are reminiscing and recalling events from our earlier lives. It has been good for me to remember what I was like in those pre-marriage days. Hearing her perspective has been helpful and interesting. Seeing my reflection in her eyes has given me some added dimension to my recovery. I find myself saying things like “Really? You saw me that way?” or “I don’t remember doing that!” Having her mirror me this way has surfaced a lot of memories and thoughts about myself. What a gift. I am so thankful.

However, this post is about perspective. I got to thinking about the different lens’ I have worn through the years. As a very young child, I imagine I mostly reflected what was modeled so maybe that could be called the parents lens. As I sought love and attention, I created a coping lens. Both of those were about looking at my life in the present at that time. I have likely brought some of those images with me into adulthood. When my dad was in his anger and rage phase, I had the victim lens. All problems were blamed on his anger. As I grew into a young adult, I focused on what I could be or do – with hope and optimism.

As an adult, the lens I use is how I view my past as well as the present. In retrospect, I moved from the victim lens to the “I’ll do it differently” lens. This is that “now that I’m an adult, I will do it my way and certainly not how my parents did things.” That lens shows some independence but also the shallowness of my one-sided thinking typical of the immaturity of that age. Later on, the lens that served me well over the years was the Pollyanna lens. That has been helpful to move from victim and martyr to optimism and thankfulness. That lens minimizes some of the pain and unresolved trauma, though, and it was the lens that I wore in looking at my childhood when entering therapy. Removing that lens was work.

This last year I got a new lens. Let’s just call it the recovery lens. It is the most diverse and magical lens. It has the ability to adapt and it has special filters. When needed, the focus is on family of origin. At other times, it is on the child within, or on setting and upholding boundaries. It has been needed to block out the Pollyanna stuff so that I can see how an issue has affected my behavior and not be confused with other issues or events. Having a filter hasn't been the easiest way to see life. Sometimes it seems one-dimensional since I have not been used to focusing on one part or layer of the picture, or one aspect of my life. It is kind of like suddenly seeing only blue tones. So I've been viewing blue tones, and at time just green tones, and others the red tones or purple tones, and those tough grey tones.  I have at times even applied a couple of tones at once.

Having my friend here has brought a new filter, shall we call them the yellow tones? Her perspective is raising some interesting questions I have for myself. It is causing me to dig a little deeper into my memory and recall some things that I buried or possibly just didn't ever consider. This filter is one I've not been able to do on my own because it is in her sharing her perspective as someone who knew me [well] at that time (and not a family member) that I have had my thoughts challenged a bit. I'm able now to start applying the other filters and an even truer image of my life.

I am ready to begin lifting the filters. It is good to see some of the depth and breadth and dimension to my life unfold after this last year of recovery. My ultimate desire is to have my perspective of my life be in full color! I don’t have to minimize or discount the pain and dysfunction, but I also appreciate and acknowledge the gifts and blessings that bring joy and gratitude. That is the beauty and value in this recovery lens; I can just apply the filter when I need it, and then lift it when I don't. There is such richness and clarity to seeing the whole picture now. I see details l missed before because of the appreciation and growth.

This lens is really going to help in creating The SaraCanvas! Now I'm prepping my brushes. Painting should commence soon. 

Learning to Love Myself

I am learning how to be compassionate, kind, and loving to myself. That sounds rather simple and obvious to my ears. The lesson has been a long one, and I find myself repeating old patterns and listening to my own put-downs. This is not good Healing Lane behavior. In fact, it is not healing at all.

My power hour on Monday revealed an interesting pattern of mine. After describing my behavior last Sunday to Debra, she said, “That’s the Karpman Drama Triangle.” And to that, I comment a rather dull, “Oh.” She catches on that I have no idea what that means. So I learn about the Victim – Rescuer – Persecutor Game. It is often between couples or in other relationships, but I play it out with myself!  

I recalled to her my crying in bed trying to comfort myself. Meanwhile hearing a different inner voice saying “You are never going to get this weight off. You know you should have planned better. This is your fault for not making better choices. Just get over it and eat what you want…” So essentially I was stroking myself with one hand and hitting myself with the other. I shall call this crazy-making. Hence, the need for some adjustment. Crazy-making is not Healing Lane behavior. The good news is that eventually I rescue myself and in this case, I got up and made a healthy meal. The triangle was complete. And I returned to active movement forward in The Healing Lane. Honk-honk!

I have been keen to the sensitivity that I have had, buried in the perspectives and pains by a little girl who very much wants to be loved and reassured that she is safe and worthy. This little Sara is precious. I am learning this and I can now say with confidence that I believe this. 

In a not just a coincidence event, I received a box from my mother which I opened last night. She included some pictures of me as a little girl. They are priceless because I SEE this little girl and I SEE how loveable she is! That is who I nurture within me. By loving her, I love myself. 

My Music Series: I’m Gonna Take That Mountain

Along about January (2013), I found a renewed resolve to pursue the deep healing of my brokenness. I discovered this song after hearing another of Reba's many apropos songs for the woman seeking empowerment (which I have been). That song - also worth a nod - is How Was I to Know.  This song, however, gives me that gutsy determination that I wanted then, and sometimes find myself wanting a new dose of courage and strong will. The heartache of a failed marriage doesn't heal quickly. This is not your ballad; this is your belt-it-out, country strong anthem. 

I’m Gonna Take That Mountain

Sung by Reba McIntire;  Lyrics by Jerry Salley and Melissa Ann Peirce

I was born a stubborn soul
Ain’t afraid of the great unknown
Or a winding road that’s all uphill
This is just a stumbling block
Intimidating wall of rock

If you think this broken heart will break my will

I’m gonna take that mountain
Ain’t nothing gonna slow me down
And there ain’t no way around it
Gonna leave it level with the ground
Ain’t just gonna cross it, climb it, fight it
I’m gonna take that mountain

It’s overwhelming looking up
I know when it’s the challenge of -
Me against this heartache to survive
I may slip and I may fall
But even if I have to crawl
I’ll break through to the healing side

I’m gonna take that mountain
Ain’t nothing gonna slow me down
And there ain’t no way around it
Gonna leave it level with the ground
Ain’t just gonna cross it, climb it, fight it
I’m gonna take that mountain

When I think of "that mountain" I think about the pains of heartache, The key line is "I'll break through to the healing side." Now that could be the motto for The Healing Lane. I have been told that I have faced my pain, even leaning into it, while seeking my healing. This song couldn't express it any clearer for me. For many long years I stared at that mountain and once I decided to take it, I have not withered from that goal. I know "I may slip and I may fall, but even if I have to crawl..." I will not give up, and I will stay in The Healing Lane.