During my drive to work today I was doing a feelings check because I knew I was in a different place. I could identify sadness and both emotional and physical pain (I had a nasty fall last night) but there was more to it than that. And then I realized it: I felt anger. Anger? Really? That is different for me…to actually realize I had some anger? I wasn't sure about what and maybe it doesn't even matter. The breakthrough is that I recognized it and I didn't go about ignoring it. I knew I wanted to express it so I did what I know to do: I bought a bag of ice and planned some ice therapy.
It was an additional hour before I actually went about executing my call to ice throwing. I kind of let the feelings soak for a bit. The odd part is that I don’t have any specific memory or reason, but I’m just angry. My anger feelings are so intertwined with pain and crying, I often have a lot of tears with my anger. Not today. I can feel the tears just below the surface – but this is for all the anger that hasn't been expressed and for the woman that stuffed her anger with food or smoked away her pain or sought out opportunities to avoid her reality. I believe today a lot of this anger is for the Sara of today – not just little Sara who didn't have a voice. It is for the voice of the present.
Throwing ice is the perfect anger release for me. Ice is hard and when it shatters it provides a certain kind of satisfaction quite suitable for anger release. It is also cold bringing an additional sensation to my body, and finally, there is no clean up (a big appeal). I've found that throwing the ice downward is the most rewarding. Today I used two hands and I gave it the full body throw. I’m just a step away from it counting as a workout, but it does count as temper tantrum (something that has been recommended to me in therapy). I tried something else today. I took the end of the bag of ice and just pounded it against the wall. I've had some difficulty with hitting or stomping, so this is another great advancement for me. Wow did that feel good. I see more of that in my future.
Now to the anger – the interesting part is I that I had no words. Maybe they will come to me later today. I’m just angry. I don’t want to be going through this divorce, but I don’t want to be married to the addict either. I just want it to be over. I don’t want to be alone, but I want to be adult and responsible which requires my facing this separation anxiety (loneliness) and accepting that being alone is adult behavior. I don’t’ want to be fat, but it is work changing a lifetime of eating patterns and dealing with a body that has been negatively overworked for so long and is not healthy. Writing this down and reading it sounds like a pity party which makes me even madder! I believe it is more than just self-pity, though, it is facing the powerlessness of my past – that I can’t go back and change things. I can only move forward. I’m angry about being in this place when I have tried so hard to do the right things in my life. I don’t want to be in this place any longer. I’m stuck between my past and my future and it sucks. Well, for right now, at least.
This moving forward takes a lot of effort. I keep thinking it will ease up. There are days when I want to retreat. And by that, I mean self-indulge. And that means medicating which is also acting out. If not that, then isolate. All of these are about turning inward and a big departure from the Healing Lane. I have made deliberate efforts to stay IN The Lane, so I have held to the vision of being healthy and adult. I remind myself of The Promises and rewards. It helps. I remind myself of my worth and what it will feel like to be on the other side. That requires me to stay in the present and to accept that it is what it is. I have choices, and I choose to keep pressing onward, and to stay in the Healing Lane.
So throwing some ice may not sound like much, but it is for me. It has kept me in The Lane and I’ve honored myself by expressing my feelings and given them a voice.