During my drive to work today I was doing a feelings check
because I knew I was in a different place. I could identify sadness and both
emotional and physical pain (I had a nasty fall last night) but there was more
to it than that. And then I realized it: I felt anger. Anger? Really? That is different for me…to actually realize
I had some anger? I wasn't sure about what and maybe it doesn't even matter.
The breakthrough is that I recognized it and I didn't go about ignoring it. I
knew I wanted to express it so I did what I know to do: I bought a bag of ice and
planned some ice therapy.
It was an additional hour before I actually went about
executing my call to ice throwing. I kind of let the feelings soak for a bit.
The odd part is that I don’t have any specific memory or reason, but I’m just
angry. My anger feelings are so
intertwined with pain and crying, I often have a lot of tears with my anger. Not
today. I can feel the tears just below the surface – but this is for all the
anger that hasn't been expressed and for the woman that stuffed her anger with
food or smoked away her pain or sought out opportunities to avoid her reality. I
believe today a lot of this anger is for the Sara of today – not just little
Sara who didn't have a voice. It is for the voice of the present.
Throwing ice is the perfect anger release for me. Ice is
hard and when it shatters it provides a certain kind of satisfaction quite suitable for anger
release. It is also cold bringing an additional sensation to my body, and finally,
there is no clean up (a big appeal). I've found that throwing the ice downward is the most rewarding.
Today I used two hands and I gave it the full body throw. I’m just a step away
from it counting as a workout, but it does count as temper tantrum (something that has been recommended to me in therapy). I tried something else today. I took the end
of the bag of ice and just pounded it against the wall. I've had some difficulty with hitting or
stomping, so this is another great advancement for me. Wow did that feel good. I see more of that in my future.
Now to the anger – the interesting part is I that I had no
words. Maybe they will come to me later
today. I’m just angry. I don’t want to be going through this divorce, but I don’t
want to be married to the addict either. I just want it to be over. I don’t want to be alone, but I
want to be adult and responsible which requires my facing this separation
anxiety (loneliness) and accepting that being alone is adult behavior. I don’t’ want to be fat, but it is work changing a
lifetime of eating patterns and dealing with a body that has been negatively overworked for so long and is not healthy. Writing this down and reading it sounds like a pity party which makes me even madder! I believe it is more than
just self-pity, though, it is facing the powerlessness of my past – that I can’t go
back and change things. I can only move forward. I’m angry about being in this place when I have
tried so hard to do the right things in my life. I don’t want to be in this
place any longer. I’m stuck between my past and my future and it sucks. Well,
for right now, at least.
This moving forward takes a lot of effort. I keep thinking it will ease up. There are
days when I want to retreat. And by that, I mean self-indulge. And that means medicating
which is also acting out. If not that, then isolate. All of these are about
turning inward and a big departure from the Healing Lane. I have made deliberate efforts to stay IN The
Lane, so I have held to the vision of being healthy and adult. I remind myself
of The Promises and rewards. It helps. I remind myself of my worth and what it will
feel like to be on the other side. That requires me to stay in the present and
to accept that it is what it is. I have choices, and I choose to keep pressing
onward, and to stay in the Healing Lane.
So throwing some ice may not sound like much, but it is for
me. It has kept me in The Lane and I’ve honored myself by expressing my
feelings and given them a voice.
Sara,
ReplyDeleteI have finally had a chance to visit your blog site. I can relate to the discovery - expression of anger as I too am finding myself with a lot of anger lately. My therapist is helping me determine what is it I am angry about. I realize I have a lot of processing and healing to go through.. I so appreciate your honest forthright sharing of your experience, strength and hope. Blessings, Carmen