Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Learning to Love Myself

I am learning how to be compassionate, kind, and loving to myself. That sounds rather simple and obvious to my ears. The lesson has been a long one, and I find myself repeating old patterns and listening to my own put-downs. This is not good Healing Lane behavior. In fact, it is not healing at all.

My power hour on Monday revealed an interesting pattern of mine. After describing my behavior last Sunday to Debra, she said, “That’s the Karpman Drama Triangle.” And to that, I comment a rather dull, “Oh.” She catches on that I have no idea what that means. So I learn about the Victim – Rescuer – Persecutor Game. It is often between couples or in other relationships, but I play it out with myself!  

I recalled to her my crying in bed trying to comfort myself. Meanwhile hearing a different inner voice saying “You are never going to get this weight off. You know you should have planned better. This is your fault for not making better choices. Just get over it and eat what you want…” So essentially I was stroking myself with one hand and hitting myself with the other. I shall call this crazy-making. Hence, the need for some adjustment. Crazy-making is not Healing Lane behavior. The good news is that eventually I rescue myself and in this case, I got up and made a healthy meal. The triangle was complete. And I returned to active movement forward in The Healing Lane. Honk-honk!

I have been keen to the sensitivity that I have had, buried in the perspectives and pains by a little girl who very much wants to be loved and reassured that she is safe and worthy. This little Sara is precious. I am learning this and I can now say with confidence that I believe this. 

In a not just a coincidence event, I received a box from my mother which I opened last night. She included some pictures of me as a little girl. They are priceless because I SEE this little girl and I SEE how loveable she is! That is who I nurture within me. By loving her, I love myself. 

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