I had the great fortune to spend last week at a convention focused on
recovery. I wrote the following during a writing workshop. I didn't share it
until last night, when I was asked to post this on THL. Perhaps I undervalued the
insight that I had. If that is the case, I will consider my pattern of
minimizing my thoughts and experiences, as it is always my wish to share
whatever HP has given me for not only my learning but for others’.
“Dear Recovery
Family,
I am once again
honored to be your delegate and to witness such amazing recovery and to have
the opportunity for my own growth and healing. This recovery experience is like
none other and I so wish you were here with me. As you know, I am here as a
delegate, an attendee, and serving on the Convention Committee. I have been
planning for, working on, and in anticipation of this weekend since leaving the
Convention last May.
What has become surprisingly
apparent to me at this year’s Convention is that the agenda I had is far different
than what my Higher Power has in mind. I say this a lot – my service work is my
recovery work. This is especially evident this weekend.
The perfectionist
in me has really been at odds with the recovery me. The planner in me
has had to take a back seat to the unexpected needs of convention work. The pleaser
in me has had to let go of others’ thoughts; it’s none of my business what they
think anyway. The pretender in me has had to give way to authenticity
and vulnerability.
And this is all
VERY, VERY, good! The perfectionist, planner, pleaser, and pretender are parts
of me that hide who I am. The real Sara, the authentic me, is imperfectly
perfect! She knows that it is progress not perfection and that doing her best,
giving her best – this is enough! Recovery Sara knows that whatever plans she
has doesn't really matter; it is Higher Power’s agenda that matters. Humble
Sara knows that she is accepted, worthy, and loved by God. She can be pleasing
without needing to be approved by others. And the healthy, whole Sara no longer
hides behind her insecurities or her attempts to overachieve. She is free to be
who God has made her to be.”
As I type and reflect this morning, I am once again
humbled by the ways that I’m gently course corrected. I have had some
challenges re-entering into my daily life, post-convention. Those same masks
want to reappear, and yet there are more masks that have surfaced. I face a new
powerlessness: living alone. There are new physical and emotional challenges
that I’m dealing with. The mask that I put on is pitier. This really didn't strike a chord in me until writing this post. The pity is
for myself to add insult to injury, and this mask is in direct competition with the
overcomer in me. I fight wanting to hide behind the circumstances and
pain. That is not who I am, though. I have proven to myself over and over
again that I come to my own rescue even as I lean in and own my behaviors. I use
the recovery tools that I have, and I will continue down The Healing Lane. This
is the real Sara; the one who doesn't need masks, embraces life, and
knows her worthiness while humbly asking God to lift her shortcomings. I
like her, by the way.
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