Sometime early this morning I recall feeling the coolness of
the morning breeze, hearing the sounds of the wildlife, and smelling the
fragrant scent of jasmine. I had a quite
a surprise when I awoke to find the door from my bedroom to the backyard ajar.
My initial reaction was, “how did that happen and how long has it been
open?” My deduction is that the wind
blew it open, or that mastermind feline Macie managed to open it. She manages
to open another door to the patio regularly. My mind didn't rest on how the
door was opened because my feelings became much more apparent: I felt extremely
vulnerable. I would not be your outdoorsy type nor comfortable with various
outdoor critters making their way into my home. Nor do I allow any
other kind of unwelcomed critters into my bedroom.
This vulnerability has triggered something in me that has
prompted my desire to write today. I
recognize that this feeling has surfaced in the last few days because I recently learned that I will – for the FIRST time – be living all alone this summer. I
have shared my residence with at least one family member or roommate my entire life. I
have never, ever lived alone.
Living alone for many, I realize, is a welcomed - perhaps even
needed - respite from an otherwise hectic and packed lifestyle. I have many
friends that describe their solitude with such richness and warmth and
endearment. I look at them in amazement and some disbelief. It is only in the
last year that I can embrace solitude for its gift. But I can seek solitude in
a number of ways; I don’t need to live alone to experience that. In contrast to solitude, loneliness brings up feelings that are not soul enriching. I have been addressing
my loneliness for some time. The intensity of the loneliness has
lessened as well as the duration of those intense feelings.
Another concern of mine is responsibility. I must fully recognize
that I will go through an adjustment. I’m not very good at routines and the
thought of remembering to take out the trash to the garbage container and
then take the bins to the curb is slightly unsettling. Add to this the watering
of the plants – inside and out – and the daily maintenance of the animals; the
pool and the mail; and the overall well-being of the house. I recognize my
shortcomings and know that this lack of taking responsibility and being a good
caretaker (in this sense, it really is care-taking!) are on my list. I have some
anxiety about my really taking on this responsibility. I also know I have an opportunity to show myself my
fully functioning adult behavior capabilities and I believe I will rise to the occasion.
Now back to feeling vulnerable. I believe this is what is
the crux of the matter to my living alone for the first time in my nearly 50
years. The security, safety, and shared responsibility will no longer be
resting on my having someone living with me. It is now solely on me to provide
for my own security and well-being. The image
that comes to mind is a child, cold and alone, in the wilderness. Whew! That speaks vulnerability to me. The
gift in expressing my feelings and exposing my thoughts is that I can now
examine them. I can validate my vulnerability and acknowledge my truth, but
also choose where I want to go with this information.
The truth is that I am a very capable adult. I have
resources to do and hire what I need to do to care for my
surroundings. I may have a bit of a challenge to get into the groove of things,
but I am a responsible adult and I will care and tend to my needs. I am not a
child alone in the wilderness even if there is a part of me that feels that
way. The helplessness, uncertainty, confusion…not knowing what to do, if
anything…all point to feelings of vulnerability that this morning’s open door
exposed. What I have been reading and learning about vulnerability is that as
uncomfortable as it may feel, just embrace whatever the circumstance is by daring
greatly (see the quote by Theodore Roosevelt used by Brené Brown). By continuing
to “show up” in my own life, I am becoming the person I envision myself to be.
I am merely entering a new scenic path along my journey. It is where I find
myself and what I call The Healing Lane.
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