Sometimes it’s the Simple Things

I got a new car a couple of years ago and the key is much larger than those I had used previously. I didn't incorporate the key into my grouping of other keys, which included office keys, home keys, other car keys, and what I've come to realize recently, some keys to which I no longer use. So I've had two sets of keys to juggle: my car keys and my other keys. Yesterday I decided to move my office key and house key from the collection of miscellaneous keys and store fobs to the key ring with my car key. This simple little change has made my life so much easier! Go figure…for nearly two years I have been balancing two sets of keys along with the purse, water bottle, coffee/tea, computer bag, gym bag, food bag, meeting bag(s), and whatever else might be needed. I might be known for having an assortment of bags with me wherever I go.

I’m almost amused, although I’m still in a bit of disbelief that it has taken me so long to take action, that this one simple, less-than-a-minute task could make my life so much easier. I can’t help but chuckle at this image of me balancing all this stuff (ok, I don’t take all of that stuff every day – it is just an example of the many different things I may have) and also the juggling two sets of keys! It is rather absurd when I think about it.

This couldn't be a better metaphor of life in general, could it?! I have a lot of stuff I am toting around. My recovery bag, my nutrition bag, my work bag, my service bag, my family bag, my divorce bag, and the looming household bag.  Yet there I am trying to juggle not two sets of keys, but several sets! There are simple tasks that I could be doing to make my life easier. I am talking the super simple tasks. This is in both the physical realm and emotional realm. I am thinking about the few second efforts to put things away, removing the stuff from my car each night, and tossing out the junk mail the day it arrives. I acknowledge the simple things I am already doing, and so it is not a stretch to add a few more. In fact it could become rather habit forming, almost an application of self-care. 

There are emotional tasks that are simple as well, and yet have the same accumulative effect on me if gone unmonitored and allowed to build. What comes to mind is what I've been learning by allowing a feeling to pass through me. Surprising enough, even some of the most intense feelings last just 30-90 seconds if I just let them pass. Sometimes the simple thing is just to give over the thought and the emotional feeling with it to God – hence, release it. I can also write down the thought or feeling and put it into the God Box, which is to say that I am releasing it completely to God. Or acknowledge it in a journal, send a text, speak to myself or someone else. It is as if those emotional bags just get more and more cumbersome if I don't do some simple releasing. 

Simple tasks, simple lesson, and simply amazing how one key ring can make an impact. It shall remain my reminder that simple things can make a big difference. 

Loneliness, Being Alone, Isolation, Withdrawal, Solitude…NOT the Same Thing!

It seems like the last few months I have been on hyper-speed. It has been a bit of work to maintain lane control while so many things have been surfacing, yet there have been monumental breakthroughs. This last weekend, though, an amazing thing happened. The Lane took a turn and unbeknownst to me, a whole new scene appeared and I got to witness such magnificent beauty! The Healing Lane offered absolutely breathtaking views. The views were from within, and they were of me.

I decided to recognize my one year anniversary of being in recovery and the many efforts I've made by attending a workshop. I gave myself this reward. I went to Scottsdale to the Franciscan Renewal Center to be a participant in REAC²H (Restoring Embodied Awareness, Compassion, Connection, and Hope) which is a workshop on mindfulness led by Dr. Jon Caldwell. It was one of those times when God was at work orchestrating what I needed because it couldn't have been a better fit for me right now. I couldn't have scripted it better if I was in charge.

Let me first provide a context. Just a few weeks ago I was struggling with my compulsive urges – wanting to eat, smoke, drink, and spend – and was frustrated with myself. Debra suggested that I spend some time alone allowing myself to “just be”.  Let the thoughts come in, thoughts go out. Feelings in, feelings out. No food, drink, music, journal, or other distraction was to accompany my solitude. Me. Just be with me. She had noted my anxiety about being alone and wondered if I had really allowed myself to feel the loneliness. Her talking about it brought on anxiety. Not a loner. Never have been. So she recommended 10 minutes in a comfortable chair. She acknowledged that I might not make 10 minutes at first. I referred to this exercise as “the loneliness exercise”. I had forgotten that she spoke of mindfulness. My mind had been hijacked with the thought of being alone.

That night I moved right into the assignment, ready to face this fear of feeling and being alone. I settled into my patio chair, noting the time of 8:30pm, My thoughts began... “I’m good to go. Not bad…oh, look at the beautiful mountain. And isn't it rather serene out here…but awfully quiet. And alone. Oh, so alone.” The tears start to flow, increasing in intensity and amount. After a bit of that, I think, that should possibly do it. So I check the time: 8:31pm. I exaggerate not. That is being uncomfortable with myself, and that has been present for most parts of my life. I persevered for three more cycles of the being ok, crying, and then comforting. I did survive for 10 minutes, but I did not enjoy that exercise even those the awareness of this was a gift in itself. That experience was just a little over a month ago.

This past weekend I spent a lot of alone time. I stayed at the Renewal Center by myself. No TV, by the way. I went to a movie with myself. I also learned mindful meditation and the gift of solitude. I found that I can show myself some compassion. I discovered that I am not only ok with myself but that I am actually becoming comfortable in my own skin! On the last day, I wrote “I feel like I have found a new friend in myself.” I put this kind of transformation in the miracle department. That void I have wanted to fill isn't so empty. The me I’d been avoiding is now being welcomed…by me!

I suppose in a lot of ways, this is what I've been seeking all year. I’m not only showing fully function adult behavior but I’m learning my own worthiness and lovability. This change that had been in the works recently hadn't been quite recognized since I’d been so accustomed to my disdain for my failures, my body, and the thoughts that seemed to betray me. However, there were signs…the day before I left for the workshop I had written, “I feel like a bud ready to blossom.” God was indeed at work. That alone was a huge breakthrough! I have not only bloomed, but I can smell the fragrance of the blossom and see that it is beautiful. Now that is some recovery! I can hardly believe I’m even writing this, which is a good reason for me to do just that.

I've contemplated whether I should share this. It seems a little over-the-top and a departure from my usual sharing. I thought on this some more, including the reasons why I write this blog (for insight, reflection, and to chronicle my recovery journey). I endeavor to be authentic and genuine. This posting requires my being just as vulnerable, to dare greatly, and to feel just as deeply as I do when it is raw pain, guilt, shame, or anger. In some ways, I feel even more vulnerable because there seems to be an expectation about sharing the victories and the high notes. Perhaps it has been my exposure to the cynicism of those who are judgmental of those in healthy and happy spaces.  That cynicism, however, I can finally say is not about me. This blog is about me, The Healing Lane, and my journey, which has been a true joy ride this past week.