My Music Series: I Don’t Paint Myself into Corners Anymore

I selected this next song as a tribute to the awareness awakening in me. Trisha Yearwood has provided me with several songs for my playlist (including For a While, Gimme the Good Stuff, and Second Chance) but this one best represents the reality of dealing with my codependency and love addiction. That is what recovery is really about, isn't it?! When I stopped being consumed with the other side of the street or the victimization or martyrdom or whatever my co-dependent flavor of the season was but focused on the power of my actions and my choices and my reality – now that is making time in The Lane! This song provided me with something to sing while I mustered the will and energy to do just that.

I Don’t Paint Myself into Corners Anymore

Sung by Trisha Yearwood (By Rebecca Lynn Howard/Trey Bruce)

It took a while for me to see things as they were
In the light of truth
It wasn't you, it was me
I let myself get used to drowning in the hurt
Against the wall
Who'd of thought, it was me
From there I couldn't even look over my shoulder
I kicked down all the walls and started all over.

And I don't paint myself into corners anymore
In a brittle heart of clay
I threw my brushes away
The tools of the trade that chained your memory to me
Are out the door
I don't paint myself into corners anymore.

When you left you left me with no other choice at all
But to sink
To my knees, and cry
I never knew just how far a soul could fall
Like a rock
I couldn't stop, didn't try
I locked myself behind shades of misery
But when I let you go, I set myself free.

And I don't paint myself into corners anymore
In a brittle heart of clay
I threw my brushes away
The tools of the trade that chained your memory to me
Are out the door
I don't paint myself into corners anymore.

I haven’t addressed my love addiction with the same vigor as my co-dependency, but this song speaks directly to it. I think this song had that added appeal because I recognize that this is an issue of mine (staying in a troubled marriage for 24 years is a big indication).  Trisha sings this so powerfully by giving both the pain and strength that the lyrics express. I think this honesty is what beckons me to belt the tune out whenever it plays. That pain and strength are stirred within me and both demand to be expressed. Over these months I can say there has been a definite transition to more strength and less pain.  I think it is because I don’t paint myself into corners anymore!

Making a Difference

I read a biography on Helen Keller when I was 9 years old. I was amazed with her life's story and how she overcame her circumstances. I was so enchanted by her life that I taught myself the alphabet in sign language – whatever was provided in the book – and studied Braille for a time. It was a biography written for someone in grade school, so the book focused on her early life.  I recall thinking about what it would be like to not see with my eyes or not hear the sounds and voices. To not have either was beyond my comprehension and yet her story now intersected with mine. It really made an impact on my young mind.  I had forgotten just how much of an impact it so I am struck today by this memory because I realize that some of the shaping of my identity has been influenced by her's and other stories of many such women.

I started reading biographies about all kinds of women.  It became one of my favorite pastimes.  From this I turned my attention into school projects mostly focused on the accomplishments of women.  In high school I became especially interested in the suffragette movement. I expanded my focus in college to a wider interest in women’s studies. I took so many courses in the department that I qualified for a minor and it was a nice compliment to my Middle East studies major and history emphasis. Or maybe not, but that doesn't matter anyway, it's just another piece to the Sara puzzle.

I think what perhaps is significant today is that I am remembering how much influence my studying women and their accomplishments have had in my thinking. I respected the women who shaped history in some fashion – little or big – and made a difference in their worlds. I don’t recall thinking I would or could change the world, but that I would do my best in my world.  I suppose I did think of myself as a feminist, but I don’t think that label is what I’m recalling. It is more of the intention of making a difference, or being one’s best, or maybe just being an overcomer. I wanted to be that kind of woman. And I knew in my heart that I would be. Even in the depths of the pain and loneliness of my marriage I sought out Biblical examples of women who could speak to my heart about making a difference in their worlds. The two that have become most endearing to me are Leah because she endured so much rejection and Abigail because she chose to do the right thing.

Somewhere along the way, I lost track of that dream. It withered with the loss of my authenticity. Today it has resurfaced. It didn't appear with trumpets and noisemakers. It sort of just bubbled to the surface. Go figure. There is was. I was reading some inspirational quotes and there were several by Helen Keller. A memory returned. And there in those thoughts was my childhood notion of who I would be.

What is most remarkable to me is that today I know that I will make a difference. I don’t know how, and that part doesn't matter. I know I will make a difference because I am different than I was a year ago. I am living authentically and daring greatly, and I am willing and open to whatever divine plans there are for me. I think that is enough. Actually, I know it is enough. A very smart woman asked me recently (ok, it is Debra), "Are you open for greatness?" I was a bit wimpy with my response. She continued with "I didn't say you needed to be great, just open for greatness, because that is all it takes." I'm still a bit shy of embracing greatness, but I am fully accepting of making a difference. Perhaps they are one in the same. There is something that is rather comfortable about becoming healthy, and I think it is called acceptance. 

I sure like these new scenic views in The Healing Lane, and for this, I am grateful. 

My Music Series: The Other Side

The third song I want to share in my June music series is sung by Wynonna. I discovered it last fall and immediately it resonated with me. It was during the time that followed the initial freedom state and then the reality state  and this was the beginning of the hopeful state. This is when I started to think beyond the immediate freedom and pain but to a time when I would be healthy in mind, body, soul, and spirit. In a lot of ways the lyrics speak for themselves:

The Other Side sung by Wynonna on ”The Other Side” EP

Written by Kevin Stephen Welch

So, you’re at the end of your wits, end of your rope

Just can’t fix everything that’s broke

Gotta turn it loose, babe, let it ride

‘Cause it aint about pride now, aint about guilt

Just come to a bridge that you still aint built

Sit down here with me, I’ll tell you bout the other side

The other side of loneliness, the other side of the blues

There really is a place like this where the sun is gonna shine for you

You’ll feel that old restlessness, your tears have all been cried

You’ll find your way over this and you’ll make it to the other side

Life gets hard, life gets cold

No matter who you are, gonna settle on your soul

There comes a time when you go looking for a place to hide

But one of these days you’re gonna lift up your head

Whistle up those hell hounds of yours and sit up and make them beg

That’s when you’ll be ready, ready for the other side

The other side of loneliness, the other side of the blues

There really is a place like this where the sun is gonna shine for you

You’ll feel that old restlessness, your tears have all been cried

You’ll find your way over this and you’ll make it to the other side

I’m reminded of this song tonight because I am working on a writing exercise that has me looking at my past, present, and future. It was very revealing to me as it has stirred up a lot of feelings about the loss in my marriage. I actually had some raw, honest feelings of anger and pain tonight. It was uncomfortable and exhausting to release them. I have learned that this is what needs to happen, though. I need to give a voice to those feelings. And so I did. It felt very much like bridge building. I clearly want to get to the other side which is about living beyond the loneliness and the blues. It has become about believing in myself, in the process, and in the life I can have and deserve. It is worth building this bridge. It is work, it isn't a magical bridge that just appears. To get the bridge built, I need to see where I want to go – a place that is better than this side. I see it. I like it. I want it.

 I hadn't realized that there were bridges in The Healing Lane, but of course there are! 

My Music Series: A Little Bit Stronger

The next song in my music series is A Little Bit Stronger sung by Sara Evans and written by Hillary Dawn Scott, Hillary Lindsey and Luke Laird. It represents the group of songs that I added in the next stage of my journey. After the euphoria of feeling free wore off, the reality of what I was facing sunk in rather heavily. Accepting the dysfunction and codependency while dealing  with the wounds of the relationship were now daily challenges for me. I found myself doing a lot of retracing my life creating a not-so-happy memoir. I had 24 years of bad habits and accommodating; I had lost myself in an effort to be for someone else. I had a lot of regrets and displeasure with myself. I heard this song and it became my anthem for a time. 

A Little Bit Stronger

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the painBut I brushed my teeth anywayI got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my faceI got a little bit stronger
Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurtSo I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of youI listened to it for minute but I changed itI'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger
And I'm done hoping that we could work it outI'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheelsLetting you drag my heart aroundAnd, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the sameBut I'm telling myself I'll be okayEven on my weakest daysI get a little bit stronger
Doesn't happen overnight but you turn aroundAnd a month's gone by and you realize you haven't criedI'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longerI'm busy getting stronger

As I look back now at that time and recall having many of the feelings mentioned in this song, I remember thinking I AM getting a little bit stronger (thank, heavens!). I AM done hoping we can work it out. I AM done with how it feels spinning my wheels! It took a very long time to get to the point that I AM DONE but I was there. I agreed that it doesn't happen overnight - neither the hopeLESSness that sets it, or the hopeFULLness that can come. This is also when the realization that I am making changes and that I have choices really started to become a part of my thinking. My empowerment was returning. It had been a long time since I felt in charge of my life, or at least to this extent. I had handed over so many of my choices to Tony; I had relinquished so much of my will and vision. BUT, I was getting stronger, a little bit at a time. 

My Music Series: Uncaged

I am designating June my music month. I was recently listening to my “Healing” playlist and I was recalling the importance that music has had in my recovery. I will be featuring a different song each posting and the impact it has had in my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. I endeavor to pick songs in a somewhat chronological order. I’m not including every song on my list, but those which represent my recovery at the time they were added.

Last July Tony and I separated. The day that he moved out was very surreal for me, and I had a lot of anger and pain around the way the separation happened. It took some time to adjust to my new life. That is when I sought therapy and found Debra who encouraged me to attend the recovery group for codependents. I found the support I needed and my new life started to have a peace about it; this was very needed. The feeling that prevailed for me in those weeks was freedom. There had been an oppressive spirit in my home for a very long time. It was a type of bondage that kept me from being authentically me. Perhaps this is why I am so committed to being authentic now.

I had purchased Zac Brown’s Uncaged EP and enjoyed every song. The one song that initially was a bit much for me (my least favorite) ended up becoming my favorite.  That's so true of many things in life, btw.  I've learned to be less harsh and definitive in my judgments and opinions for this reason. When I really listened to the lyrics, there was something strong that resonated with me. The rhythm builds in momentum and I have this heart-bursting-through feeling that coincides with the crescendo within the song. I feel like the caged bird coming forth, no longer constrained by the walls confining her. 

Uncaged by Zac Brown

Gonna drift to the great wide open

Gonna set my spirit free

Won’t stop til I reach the ocean

Gonna break these chains holding me

Uncaged

Gonna swim in the coldest river

Gonna drink from a mountain spring

Deep in the land of the great wide open

And let the water roll all over me

Uncaged

I wanna swim in the sunshine

And every day find a way to face my fears

I wanna get in the wind

Gonna take every chance I’m given

Feel the wind through the open plains

Freedom is gift, get given

So chase the sunset highway down

You gotta get uncaged

I can’t count the number of times I played that song. It is as if my soul had broken free from the years of hopelessness and I had such a new lease on life. I started dreaming again. I started living again. The frozen feelings that had become a part of me started to melt. I was coming out of a bleak fog that had settled into my home, into my life, and which I had allowed to discolor my vision and purpose.

I was now experiencing the exuberance for life. I wasn't sure what the next months would have in store for me, but for the time being I embraced the life that had just been given to me. I was dreaming again and wanted to feel from the depths of my soul. I'm Gonna take every chance I'm given...freedom is a gift, get given!