The Rewards of Recovery Work

I had a glorious weekend. I am grateful, joyful, and healthier because of the people with whom I spent the weekend meeting, talking, befriending, and praying. I learned a lot about recovery - there were workshops and speakers, meetings and more meetings, and there were conversations. It is the conversations that tend to have the lasting effect on me. A one-on-one or within a small group, there is an opportunity to speak and share honestly about a situation or issue. I tend to share more about my story, and to hear about another's. It is that time where intimacy is created and the authentic me is seen. 

I crave this kind of relationship, and I have been fortunate to usually have this in my life. I reflect on those women who are part of my story, who knew me best during different stages of my life. Childhood friends share in the discovery of everything from boys to independence. High school friends share in the memories of testing that independence, discovering our interests and ourselves outside of our families, and creating memories unique to those years. In college, I was fortunate to have close friendships in my roommates and my classmates, and the memories abound from those adult-developing years. 

It is during college that I met Tony. Life changed dramatically, and the friendship-forming changed just as much. I didn't become best friends with my husband. I so envied the relationships that had that kind of bond. I knew he did not confide in me nor was he completely honest with me. I say that now, but remained in denial for many years to this truth. I withdrew into myself for I had neither the intimacy of my husband to replace the closeness of my girlfriends, nor the liberty to have the same kind of bond with women that I had prior to being married. That hole and conflict plagued me most of my marriage. 

Today I am at a different and new place. I am feeling freed to truly be me, to nurture who God created me to be, and to express the authentic me. I have been fighting for that Sara for a long time. There was so much pain yet so much numbness that allowing her to truly come forth was too much of a risk. This is where daring greatly has had so much impact on me. I am getting more confident in taking risks, showing myself with all its flaws, and willing to face rejection in my relationships. My joy is returning. 

For that joy to be uninhibited, I am also uncovering that which has been ensnaring it. That includes the pains and fears of previous rejection, isolation, and even anger. To get to the joy, I've got to be willing to forge through those issues, memories, and stored up feelings. This is what we just call "work" in recovery. I've been working. I'm glad that I have many cheerleaders who support me day in and out, and those who truly care and love me. It helps so very much. 

I review my life over the past ten months and the changes that have happened. There are many. I am most thankful for the return of close relationships and the intimacy I freely share. My heart seems to have an unlimited capacity for this now. I never imagined that I could love so many, and be loved so greatly in return. This is the reward for this hard work. And it is worth every tear, every fear confronted, and every difficult moment when I thought I couldn't get past it. I write this to remind myself when I need it, for the work is not over. But neither are the rewards. 

The Lonely Survive

Recovery is not linear. I repeat this for myself: recovery is not linear. To remain in the Healing Lane, I aim to keep moving forward, but even that doesn’t always happen. I am learning to accept that this is OK. Tonight’s meeting was on the topic of acceptance. I am reflecting on that again as this is what keeps surfacing today. I am accepting that life as I envisioned it isn’t going to happen. Life as I envisioned it even today may or may not happen. It is what it is. My feelings are what they are. My experiences are mine, and whether I react to, relate to, respond to, or resent them are my choices.

I am still facing loneliness. It is a major issue in my life right now.  I am discovering that some of my deepest issues are rooted in my sense of loneliness, and related to that is a low self-worth that says “I am unlovable.” Seeing this statement in writing doesn’t make sense. Of course I wouldn’t believe that! To know me is to love me, right?! Yet, my body reveals a different truth. It speaks rather loudly when I listen. I am learning to not ignore the tightness in my chest, the tears, and the near panic when those symptoms settle in on me. It is bothering me that I have not been able to overcome this on my own. It is even upsetting me that I am finding myself writing on this topic, not once or twice today, but this makes it a third time! I think to myself, “just get over it!” And that reveals to me another problem in finding a solution. I am endeavoring to do this all on my own. I have not trusted God to sustain me. I am very much seeking to be gentle to myself, to remind myself of His goodness and love, and to allow His Spirit to be the Comforter. It is habit, a bad one at that, to be harsh and unkind in my thoughts. The “just get over it” thinking is actually preventing me from doing that!

I write about this because one of my best tools is expressing my thoughts onto the page, and then releasing them through my blog, journal, or letter. I realized tonight that it has been almost two weeks since my last posting and I am seeing the correlation to some of my relapses. I have not been utilizing one of my greatest tools! So I sit here at my computer tonight, thinking about so many things in my life. My mind wanders some more, and I am aware of being alone, but less ‘lonely’ than when I started this posting. I have been reminded that I am not alone; that I have a loving God, I have a tremendous support network, and I have myself. I am learning to be better company to me for I am lovable and I can love myself. 

Pushing the Re-start Button

Someone wise has said to me that we can always push the re-start button. I am doing that this morning. I am aware that I am not where I want to be and the only way to get out of this place is to make the next right choice. I've had a lot of contemplative time lately, and this in itself is OK.  What I have noticed is that I have given up some of my grounding routines. The main one has been my morning meditations. It used to be something I loved and never missed each morning. Since giving up smoking 10 weeks ago, I just haven’t had the same drive or commitment to that time. It was the whole package – the coffee, the view, the reading and meditating, and the cigarette. It is still too difficult without the cig, so I don’t start my day the same way. Yet I miss it. And the meditative part was the grounding part. I am definitely needing that. 

I didn't re-start that routine though. Today's re-start button is about my eating and my mind set. I have re-gained the 10 pounds I lost not long ago. This will be the fourth time I have had to lose this same 10 pounds. So this gain has brought a lot of guilt and anger. This would not be the healthy anger to which I have needed to release. Oh, no, this is the turn-on-myself stuff that is self-defeating – and definitely not behavior in the Healing Lane. This weight gain is what it is, and I have choices to stay in this cycle or not. Hence, re-start. What other healthy choices do I have? Call it whatever you want – the point is that change is a decision, and the choice is mine. The Healing Lane is about adult behaviors, and that is where I want to be. Negative self-talk, self-defeating behaviors, self-pity...these will not get me where I want to go.

What is really amazing to me is who modeled being a FFA yesterday: my 21-year old son. He continues to make choices that represent such maturity and balance, while being such a pleasant, compassionate, and thoughtful person. For Mother’s Day I was feeling quite isolationist and didn't want to do much. Will came to the house to make me brunch (it was delicious!), spend time with me, and make my day special. After brunch, I took a nap and he then not only cleaned the kitchen but did several housecleaning and upkeep chores to bless me. To top things off, I got the sweetest, most endearing, from-the-heart card that he made for me. He makes this woman one proud mama, and I believe one day he will make another woman a very happy wife and mother.

So on this May Monday morning, I realize that I am faced with the same opportunity I am every day – what do I do today that is building self-esteem through loving and nurturing myself? I used to think that was rather selfish and self-absorbing. I am learning differently, as Will so wonderfully illustrates in the way he lives his life. He makes decisions for his own best and long-term interest, and with this he is able to give to, be, and do for others with a calmness, confidence, and compassion that are not about his getting back. I don’t think it is an accident that he has these qualities; I will accept that I have had something to do with his character-building, as has his father. 

What I was willing to do in parenting Will, I am now seeing that I can do for myself.  How appropriate to realize this the day after a day we celebrate mothers. 

A Little Anger Do Me Good

I’m in a different place lately. I've referred to this in several of my blog postings. It’s that in-between state. I am experiencing some significant breakthroughs and yet I am recognizing some old behaviors becoming common. I’m nervous and hyper-aware of past failures, and I am fighting negative self-talk more than I have had to for a long time. Physically I do not feel good and this is affecting my overall sense of wellness. I don’t feel well because I have been eating too much of the wrong foods, even those that I find acceptable in moderation. Out of moderation, it becomes another form of acting out. And acting out is a sign of a deeper issue.  Aha, now we are getting somewhere. So what issues am I facing these days?

It’s the one that I have been avoiding, intentionally or unintentionally, for many months. It’s the one that either doesn't surface in my own feelings check or when it does, is so powerful it just about paralyzes me. It’s the emotion that ran unchecked and out of control in my childhood home, yet has haunted me in ways I handle it both outwardly and inwardly. I am talking about anger. Yes, it is a core issue for me. This week I learned just how painful it is to harbor this. I have learned that I started stuffing my anger at an early age, not wanting to voice it for fear of not being loved. This was a belief I likely made up for myself based on what I witnessed in watching my father and brother and the judgment I had about their behaviors. It really doesn't matter how it got there, more importantly it matters that the anger get expressed, released, and to know that life will not fall apart because I have gotten angry! It sounds kind of pitiful to me – what’s the big deal about getting angry, anyway? I’m learning that minimizing my own pain and struggles are just more obstacles to overcome in reaching the healing and health I desire. I’m willing to lean in and face whatever I need to do in order to stay in the Healing Lane.

I dared greatly tonight. I have been working all week on understanding and confronting my hesitation over allowing my repressed anger to be expressed. I realized a lot of it is really old anger, and that with it was the belief – which is an out and out lie, by the way – that should I show that anger I am unlovable. And to be unlovable is to not receive love. To not receive love is to not matter, to be worthless, expendable, and void. But I was reminded that I do matter and that to give voice to the little Sara is to validate her, to love and comfort her, and to show her that even anger is ok. I knew I needed to let out some of this anger, to trust the process, to dare greatly, and to believe God to sustain me in whatever scary and painful situation I find myself in.

Therefore, I ventured into the world of “Ice Therapy.” OK, it isn't perhaps called that, but for me it deserves some capitals. Debra suggested a few different avenues for releasing that anger, including throwing ice because it will make a crushing noise, provide a release for the anger, and there is no clean up. Good idea. A friend totally endorsed the method having gone through a similar breakthrough herself. The purchase of sixty pounds of ice was secured and I was able to vent a bit of anger tonight. It was different than the hoe incident, but very effective. I threw ice at the brick wall, at the cement, for the loss of my marriage, for the little girl who fought for attention, and for just the right to be angry. I probably just tapped the surface, but I am able to say I do not fear “going there” anymore. And when a bit of anger surfaces again, that is something I can take to the ice bank.

It has been a significant day in the Healing Lane, and I am truly thankful.

This, My Friend, is Life

“Life happens.” I’m thinking about a similar comment from yesterday’s session with Debra. I was reflecting on my very busy week and all that happened. It was a packed eventful week, and as such I made reference to it being a hard week. I reminded her of the significance of last week’s session, the first edition of the newsletter I now edit being released, traveling to New Orleans and returning directly to go to Prescott, not to mention adjusting to Sophia’s departure. She asked for what reason was it “hard.” I said that it just seemed so…mainly because I was busy and I didn't have time to process the very revealing and intense session from Monday; I had a work deadline that required my focus; I had to pack for back to back trips; the emotional dealings with each of those trips…it was a lot. And so goes…”this is life.” Essentially I repeated myself. It was kind of a "don't you get it?"

Well, II’m getting it...now. I'm able to see things a little more clearly when I look through the FFA lens. There is a balance and a perspective to life's events. I didn't feel particularly dramatic about the week nor my retelling of its details, but I was keenly aware of the lack of time to absorb the impact from one thing before moving onto the next. Ok, so perhaps I was displaying some drama since I do have a flair for that. After all, it is what it is, and I yam what I yam. Some things do demand attention, and I had several things that were screaming “attention, Sara” to me. So maybe “hard” isn't the word; it is rather, significant.” Yes, I accept that I had a rather significant week.

I’m still catching up: my body wants rest; my thoughts are scattered; my emotions are mixed. And, this, Sara, is life. Welcome to yours. 

Forgiving Myself for Poor Choices

May 3, 2013 - I am on the airplane returning to Tucson from my New Orleans trip. I am feeling the effects of overindulgence and lack of sleep. The disappointment in myself is producing a lot of negative self-talk. There has been a departure from The Lane. I’m now faced with the choice to re-enter or stay in my guilt, despair, and negativity. It is a familiar place, albeit one I thought I had abandoned for good. Here I am, though. Feeling incomplete, overdosed, and as if I have rejected myself. I ask myself what happened. I caved. I chose to feed the wounded soul rather than remain healthy and feed the recovering one. Mostly, I drank too much. I also ate way too much. I had many foods that I would not normally eat, while not eating many of the foods I generally use for fuel. The body has not liked this. I can only imagine what it would have done if I had completely gone off track and eaten the bread pudding at one of the many places it is offered. The guilt of smoking could have really spiraled me out of control. So I am acknowledging that those boundaries were maintained. It is bringing me little comfort at this time, as I am uncomfortable with water retention, bloating, and a slight hangover. Lack of sleep is not helping matters.

I will be arriving in Tucson shortly. I am excited to be going on a women’s retreat with my church. It is an opportunity to get real with myself, to be reminded of where I am headed, what I want, and whether this is going to continue to derail me or not. Again, the adult in me wants to be healthy both physically and emotionally. This could be a very valuable lesson. Some lessons we learn the hard way. I want to take note of how I feel, how the short term indulgence affects me. In a lot of ways, this is what I have feared, although not as bad as the real fear, which would have been that I both ate the bread pudding (or whatever it is that is just represented by the bread pudding) and smoked. I have feared that once I act out I will lose control completely and not get back into the Lane. I need to face my fears; I need to deal with relapse and disappointment. It is part of life. It is progress not perfection. I am trying to show myself the compassion that I would have for someone else. I want to affirm my efforts because I am worth fighting for. I am trying to live in forgiveness for poor choices. 

Oh, NOLA!

May 1, 2013 - It is a wonderful time to get away from the battles, daily routines, and reminders of Tucson. I am in New Orleans for a work-related visit, and am enjoying the sights and tastes of this beautiful city. It is a city full of all sorts of sensations and temptations. And that is what I have discovered…that I am in the midst of Trigger Land. There are numerous restaurants, bars, cozy spots, romantic retreats, gardens, scenic views, and a plethora of options for fun. Tonight I have had to deal with thoughts of three of my biggest temptations - bread pudding, cigarettes, and sex. Yes, now I've gone and said it.  It is really that longing to have someone to be close to and share intimately. I’m just fessing up to this part of my struggle, and to willingly confess that it is a part of my own recovery. I am learning that my vulnerability and sharing of what is really at work in me has a tremendous impact in my fighting the bonds that bind me. So, rather than keep it a secret or struggle privately, I’m just putting it out there. I am sad about not having someone to share in this venture.

Enough on that part, as I can be more open about my struggles with food and smoking. It seems I am still fighting my compulsiveness and so it just becomes a part of my sharing. I am more and more aware of how much it is my thoughts and not my actual cravings. The addictions are about filling a hole, soothing a pain, comforting the loneliness. But it is only temporary. I am going for the core…where the roots of these exist. So I must resist the temptations to satisfy the immediate in hopes to achieve the long term goal. And that, of course, is to be a FFA, to be liberated from the drive of compulsive behaviors, and to be content in myself exhibiting self-esteem, worthiness, acceptance, and love.