Recovery is not linear. I repeat this for myself: recovery is not linear. To remain in the Healing Lane, I aim to keep moving forward, but even that doesn’t always happen. I am learning to accept that this is OK. Tonight’s meeting was on the topic of acceptance. I am reflecting on that again as this is what keeps surfacing today. I am accepting that life as I envisioned it isn’t going to happen. Life as I envisioned it even today may or may not happen. It is what it is. My feelings are what they are. My experiences are mine, and whether I react to, relate to, respond to, or resent them are my choices.
I am still facing loneliness. It is a major issue in my life right now. I am discovering that some of my deepest issues are rooted in my sense of loneliness, and related to that is a low self-worth that says “I am unlovable.” Seeing this statement in writing doesn’t make sense. Of course I wouldn’t believe that! To know me is to love me, right?! Yet, my body reveals a different truth. It speaks rather loudly when I listen. I am learning to not ignore the tightness in my chest, the tears, and the near panic when those symptoms settle in on me. It is bothering me that I have not been able to overcome this on my own. It is even upsetting me that I am finding myself writing on this topic, not once or twice today, but this makes it a third time! I think to myself, “just get over it!” And that reveals to me another problem in finding a solution. I am endeavoring to do this all on my own. I have not trusted God to sustain me. I am very much seeking to be gentle to myself, to remind myself of His goodness and love, and to allow His Spirit to be the Comforter. It is habit, a bad one at that, to be harsh and unkind in my thoughts. The “just get over it” thinking is actually preventing me from doing that!
I write about this because one of my best tools is expressing my thoughts onto the page, and then releasing them through my blog, journal, or letter. I realized tonight that it has been almost two weeks since my last posting and I am seeing the correlation to some of my relapses. I have not been utilizing one of my greatest tools! So I sit here at my computer tonight, thinking about so many things in my life. My mind wanders some more, and I am aware of being alone, but less ‘lonely’ than when I started this posting. I have been reminded that I am not alone; that I have a loving God, I have a tremendous support network, and I have myself. I am learning to be better company to me for I am lovable and I can love myself.