I’m in a different place lately. I've referred to this in several of my blog postings. It’s that in-between state. I am experiencing some significant breakthroughs and yet I am recognizing some old behaviors becoming common. I’m nervous and hyper-aware of past failures, and I am fighting negative self-talk more than I have had to for a long time. Physically I do not feel good and this is affecting my overall sense of wellness. I don’t feel well because I have been eating too much of the wrong foods, even those that I find acceptable in moderation. Out of moderation, it becomes another form of acting out. And acting out is a sign of a deeper issue. Aha, now we are getting somewhere. So what issues am I facing these days?
It’s the one that I have been avoiding, intentionally or unintentionally, for many months. It’s the one that either doesn't surface in my own feelings check or when it does, is so powerful it just about paralyzes me. It’s the emotion that ran unchecked and out of control in my childhood home, yet has haunted me in ways I handle it both outwardly and inwardly. I am talking about anger. Yes, it is a core issue for me. This week I learned just how painful it is to harbor this. I have learned that I started stuffing my anger at an early age, not wanting to voice it for fear of not being loved. This was a belief I likely made up for myself based on what I witnessed in watching my father and brother and the judgment I had about their behaviors. It really doesn't matter how it got there, more importantly it matters that the anger get expressed, released, and to know that life will not fall apart because I have gotten angry! It sounds kind of pitiful to me – what’s the big deal about getting angry, anyway? I’m learning that minimizing my own pain and struggles are just more obstacles to overcome in reaching the healing and health I desire. I’m willing to lean in and face whatever I need to do in order to stay in the Healing Lane.
I dared greatly tonight. I have been working all week on understanding and confronting my hesitation over allowing my repressed anger to be expressed. I realized a lot of it is really old anger, and that with it was the belief – which is an out and out lie, by the way – that should I show that anger I am unlovable. And to be unlovable is to not receive love. To not receive love is to not matter, to be worthless, expendable, and void. But I was reminded that I do matter and that to give voice to the little Sara is to validate her, to love and comfort her, and to show her that even anger is ok. I knew I needed to let out some of this anger, to trust the process, to dare greatly, and to believe God to sustain me in whatever scary and painful situation I find myself in.
Therefore, I ventured into the world of “Ice Therapy.” OK, it isn't perhaps called that, but for me it deserves some capitals. Debra suggested a few different avenues for releasing that anger, including throwing ice because it will make a crushing noise, provide a release for the anger, and there is no clean up. Good idea. A friend totally endorsed the method having gone through a similar breakthrough herself. The purchase of sixty pounds of ice was secured and I was able to vent a bit of anger tonight. It was different than the hoe incident, but very effective. I threw ice at the brick wall, at the cement, for the loss of my marriage, for the little girl who fought for attention, and for just the right to be angry. I probably just tapped the surface, but I am able to say I do not fear “going there” anymore. And when a bit of anger surfaces again, that is something I can take to the ice bank.
It has been a significant day in the Healing Lane, and I am truly thankful.