Someone wise has said to me that we can always push the re-start button. I am doing that this morning. I am aware that I am not where I want to be and the only way to get out of this place is to make the next right choice. I've had a lot of contemplative time lately, and this in itself is OK. What I have noticed is that I have given up some of my grounding routines. The main one has been my morning meditations. It used to be something I loved and never missed each morning. Since giving up smoking 10 weeks ago, I just haven’t had the same drive or commitment to that time. It was the whole package – the coffee, the view, the reading and meditating, and the cigarette. It is still too difficult without the cig, so I don’t start my day the same way. Yet I miss it. And the meditative part was the grounding part. I am definitely needing that.
I didn't re-start that routine though. Today's re-start button is about my eating and my mind set. I have re-gained the 10 pounds I lost not long ago. This will be the fourth time I have had to lose this same 10 pounds. So this gain has brought a lot of guilt and anger. This would not be the healthy anger to which I have needed to release. Oh, no, this is the turn-on-myself stuff that is self-defeating – and definitely not behavior in the Healing Lane. This weight gain is what it is, and I have choices to stay in this cycle or not. Hence, re-start. What other healthy choices do I have? Call it whatever you want – the point is that change is a decision, and the choice is mine. The Healing Lane is about adult behaviors, and that is where I want to be. Negative self-talk, self-defeating behaviors, self-pity...these will not get me where I want to go.
What is really amazing to me is who modeled being a FFA yesterday: my 21-year old son. He continues to make choices that represent such maturity and balance, while being such a pleasant, compassionate, and thoughtful person. For Mother’s Day I was feeling quite isolationist and didn't want to do much. Will came to the house to make me brunch (it was delicious!), spend time with me, and make my day special. After brunch, I took a nap and he then not only cleaned the kitchen but did several housecleaning and upkeep chores to bless me. To top things off, I got the sweetest, most endearing, from-the-heart card that he made for me. He makes this woman one proud mama, and I believe one day he will make another woman a very happy wife and mother.
So on this May Monday morning, I realize that I am faced with the same opportunity I am every day – what do I do today that is building self-esteem through loving and nurturing myself? I used to think that was rather selfish and self-absorbing. I am learning differently, as Will so wonderfully illustrates in the way he lives his life. He makes decisions for his own best and long-term interest, and with this he is able to give to, be, and do for others with a calmness, confidence, and compassion that are not about his getting back. I don’t think it is an accident that he has these qualities; I will accept that I have had something to do with his character-building, as has his father.
What I was willing to do in parenting Will, I am now seeing that I can do for myself. How appropriate to realize this the day after a day we celebrate mothers.