In recovery, we talk about our Higher Power, the God of our
understanding, and various elements to a spiritual awakening. I reflect on recent
events and the life-changing gift to me where I know I crossed over to a new
place in recovery where serenity replaces insanity.
The context begins with my efforts to undercover how my
behavior as a love addict shows up in my life. Most obvious is the holding onto
and remaining in a relationship that is unhealthy. There are other elements around having few
healthy boundaries, feeling empty and incomplete when alone, the need to rescue
and/or be rescued to name a few. I uncovered an area in my life that I hadn't
seen as part of this addiction – assigning magical qualities to others and then
after idealizing them, blame them for not fulfilling our fantasies and
expectations.
Facing this pattern of mine – I have done this in romantic,
family, friend, and recovery relationships – has not been pleasant by any
means. Most recently when I saw this in an important relationship to me, I
wanted to hide, to ignore it, pretend it really wasn't there, minimize it. The fears of losing the relationship and feeling
rejected were very present. However, I reviewed my options. The only suitable
and acceptable one in my world was to just press on by accepting the
consequences. The amazing thing is that once I did that, and decided to own my
behavior, feelings, and thoughts, the negative power behind the fears disseminated.
I had a whole new outlook before me. I felt strength and hope and began
picturing how I can show up as a healthy adult in not only that one, but in all
my relationships.
That night and the next morning, a transformation
happened. The mostly head knowledge of
being loved and cherished by God became heart knowledge. I felt from within His
amazing acceptance and love. I describe this as being cherished. I could see
myself through new lens. Then this amazing gift of being loved permeated into
my being and I could believe that if God loved me through and through, who am I
to not believe that? By golly, then I am
lovable! I am beautiful! And I am a catch! That is how it came to me…those
three sentences. So I have been repeating them several times a day. It is
making a difference!
As I meditate on what God has been showing me about His care
for me in the details of my life I realize that He has been courting me! He has
diligently been giving me all sorts of indications that He has His eye on me…that
He finds me irresistible (there is a wink in there I believe). This morning I
had the privilege of sharing my experience, strength, and hope around my recent
gift – I call it “The Miracle” – and in reviewing it, I see the change in me.
This [knowing that I
am cherished by God] is what I've come to realize that recovery is all about.
When we are trying to get power, control outcome, obtain something out of our
control – these all belong to God – then my life becomes unmanageable. The
inner peace marked by serenity comes with the love, acceptance, and worthiness we
each have as His creation. We can’t earn
it, lose it, or change it. No one can provide that for me but I can receive it
for myself.
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