In recovery, we talk about our Higher Power, the God of our understanding, and various elements to a spiritual awakening. I reflect on recent events and the life-changing gift to me where I know I crossed over to a new place in recovery where serenity replaces insanity.
The context begins with my efforts to undercover how my behavior as a love addict shows up in my life. Most obvious is the holding onto and remaining in a relationship that is unhealthy. There are other elements around having few healthy boundaries, feeling empty and incomplete when alone, the need to rescue and/or be rescued to name a few. I uncovered an area in my life that I hadn't seen as part of this addiction – assigning magical qualities to others and then after idealizing them, blame them for not fulfilling our fantasies and expectations.
Facing this pattern of mine – I have done this in romantic, family, friend, and recovery relationships – has not been pleasant by any means. Most recently when I saw this in an important relationship to me, I wanted to hide, to ignore it, pretend it really wasn't there, minimize it. The fears of losing the relationship and feeling rejected were very present. However, I reviewed my options. The only suitable and acceptable one in my world was to just press on by accepting the consequences. The amazing thing is that once I did that, and decided to own my behavior, feelings, and thoughts, the negative power behind the fears disseminated. I had a whole new outlook before me. I felt strength and hope and began picturing how I can show up as a healthy adult in not only that one, but in all my relationships.
That night and the next morning, a transformation happened. The mostly head knowledge of being loved and cherished by God became heart knowledge. I felt from within His amazing acceptance and love. I describe this as being cherished. I could see myself through new lens. Then this amazing gift of being loved permeated into my being and I could believe that if God loved me through and through, who am I to not believe that? By golly, then I am lovable! I am beautiful! And I am a catch! That is how it came to me…those three sentences. So I have been repeating them several times a day. It is making a difference!
As I meditate on what God has been showing me about His care for me in the details of my life I realize that He has been courting me! He has diligently been giving me all sorts of indications that He has His eye on me…that He finds me irresistible (there is a wink in there I believe). This morning I had the privilege of sharing my experience, strength, and hope around my recent gift – I call it “The Miracle” – and in reviewing it, I see the change in me.
This [knowing that I am cherished by God] is what I've come to realize that recovery is all about. When we are trying to get power, control outcome, obtain something out of our control – these all belong to God – then my life becomes unmanageable. The inner peace marked by serenity comes with the love, acceptance, and worthiness we each have as His creation. We can’t earn it, lose it, or change it. No one can provide that for me but I can receive it for myself.