I am angry at not having a marriage that could endure and survive
the trials of betrayal and addiction. I am painfully sad that I am now alone
and facing this new season as a single person, just when I was preparing for
the opportunities that open up when there are no children at home. And now with
singleness I am fearful that I do not have the resources to maintain my current
lifestyle. Yes, there is an absence of joy. It is a time to grieve my loss and to
feel and express these emotions. Divorce is difficult, painful, death, and
loss.
I wrestle with reconciling that indeed all these things are
valid, and yet, I will still press onward and hold onto the new dream that this
next season offers hope beyond what today’s feelings hold. They can co-exist.
The devastation of divorce does not last forever. It will not always be this
painful, but today it just is. I realize it isn’t missing the person as much as
allowing the death of the dream of growing old together; of being together
until death do us part. I hadn’t realized that the death that do us part was
the death of the marriage. My friend Erma reminded me that although the marriage
failed, neither of us are failures. Sometimes it still feels like that, though.
This is why I keep pressing onward in The Healing Lane. I have needed to accept
that I alone cannot save a marriage. I alone am not responsible for making the
marriage work. I alone am not responsible for the success or failure of it.
Sometimes being in The Lane is about acknowledging that I am
powerless over the circumstances, yet have complete control over how I handle
it. Handling it doesn’t imply that I have to do it perfectly or with a smile or
without help. Staying in The Lane can simply be done by being honest and authentic
with myself and my emotions and thoughts as they become apparent to me. I am
doing just that, partially by sharing them here. It still is my 25th
wedding anniversary whether it is celebrated or not; I need to acknowledge
that.
re: "I hadn’t realized that the death that do us part was the death of the marriage."
ReplyDeleteThis was so true in my life, Sara. I was married as a teenager and I clearly remember how I felt after my marriage of 18 years ended in divorce. It was as if half of my body had been amputated. (I mean no offense to those who have suffered an actual amputation.) I felt a phantom pain every day for months. My use of the word "WE" was eliminated and it stung me. I had shared the years of 18-36 with my husband and we had grown up together. With divorce, he was gone and I was now on my own. There were dark times and my heart felt physically broken and in much pain, but a new life is possible. New memories, new growth and an acknowledgement of all the possibilities laying ahead of me showed up. I saw that I had so many opportunities to make good choices for myself. Your blog helps me look back on myself and my experience with divorce in a healthy way. Thanks!
Your friend,
Erma