Sunday, April 28, 2013

To Blog or Not to Blog

When life becomes so full that I no longer have time to blog, it probably means I need to put something down, or maybe it means I’m less focused on the recovery and becoming more focused on discovery -  as in who I am. I think it is both right now. I was reminded last night that I didn't blog all week. How nice for me to hear that it was noticed, but also a reminder that life has perhaps gotten a bit too packed. I jokingly, but realistically acknowledged, that I look up at the plates I’m balancing. I see some spinning rapidly, others crashing on the floor, some are teetering, some balancing nicely, and as I glance to the side, I see some that are no longer part of the balancing act.

My parents have now returned to Iowa after their four month winter residence. I had mixed feelings as they drove away. I see the contradicting behaviors in me as I felt both a pain of loss and a closure to a rather difficult season. I am aware that the next eight months will be quite telling in my own development as a FFA and how I will be able to handle their living so close to me. A lot happens in eight months; the previous eight have been rather significant to say the least.

More of an issue right now is Sophia’s departure. She is returning to live with her father, as least for now. She will no longer be living with me. Her dishonoring my rules, my requests, and my home required me to address the boundary-breaking - long overdue, but addressed and done nonetheless. It has been both liberating to honor myself as well as painful to face the loss of having someone I love so dearly to no longer be a part of my household. I am learning about the more difficult sides of love. I believe it is in the best interest of all involved for this to happen, and I can endure and face this new reality with the confidence that I have done the right thing.

Other things are happening, perhaps less prominent on the recovery radar, but still amazingly powerful in their overall effect on my life. They are giving the Healing Lane some beautiful scenery these days. I am in the process of “claiming my home”. I have realized that I have not truly treated or felt the significance of being the homeowner of this property. I have been the primary resident for the last 9 months, but for the previous 19 years I was secondary. And by this, I mean that I didn’t feel an equal partner in this home. I’m starting to see that this prevailed throughout my marriage, and am thinking about the powerful statement that “we teach how others how to treat us”. I see how often I allowed to be “less than” in my own home and in my primary relationship. That is no longer true, by golly! I am taking ownership of my life, my choices, my feelings, my thoughts, my dreams and my house! It helps to be less focused on the responsibility of home ownership and more on the enjoyment of what having a home means.

First up – let’s open those welcome doors and begin hosting some parties! I was thrilled to have several friends come to my house yesterday to celebrate a birthday, to laugh, and just to enjoy being together. It is what I have always desired in having a home – the joy of fellowship with others.  I grew up in a hospitable home, and I had always imagined my home to be the same. I have had brief periods where that looked like it was taking place, but more often the case is that people felt uncomfortable because of the awkwardness. That oppressive factor no longer abides with me, and in his place are liberty, love, and laughter. I truly am thrilled to have people in my home, and God is restoring that gift of hospitality in me. I will honor Him with all that I have, and all that I am, but loving and welcoming others to my home.

Next up, and along those lines – the guest house is now open for Sara’s Recovery Resort, where one can come to refocus, refresh, rejuvenate, and relish in refreshment. I am now taking reservations, and am pleased to say that my boundaries are safe and healthy. My guests will be respected for how much space or fellowship are needed, while offering my love and hospitality as gifts and still maintaining my own boundaries for my health.

Finally – I am ready to reclaim the home for myself. I have been swirling around this decorating idea for a while now. But I am ready; I am excited; and I am envisioning a really fun party to get me going! Summer is upon us, the heat is reminding me that it is a new season. I’m thinking this is going to be a fun summer. 

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