I have struggled with the decision to keep or sell my house.
I can’t even begin to count the number of times I've changed my mind in the
last four months. It is a major decision, and I am now fully on board with the
belief to not make any major decisions within the first year of a life change
such as divorce or a death. So I’m keeping the house at least for now, and am
happy with that decision. I am moving ahead thinking about what possibilities
there are for me. I've not had a house of my own. The last time I had this much
freedom to decide what I wanted in my living space, I was 19 and living in a
dorm room. That was nearly 30 years ago.
I am recalling being a newlywed in a brand new home. It was
1988 and I was 24. I was excited to decorate and to give our place that personal
touch. One of the warning signs that all was not good: Tony made a huge issue
about what went on the walls. I needed his permission before anything could be
mounted. I’m shaking my head because that is crazy! I had pictures leaning up
against the walls for over a year waiting for him “to approve” my choices. I wasn't treated as a wife, I was the young, naïve girl he married. The stifling of
my maturity had already begun. The rejection of me as wife, a woman, and a
creative and spontaneous person had also began. And I took it; I allowed him to
treat me that way. I must not have thought much of myself then, or for that matter, through most of my
marriage.
When I was told to ask myself why did I tolerate the
intolerable for 24 years (From now and on, I’m going to start referring to that
whole question as merely WHY, so remember this for future posts!) I see how
early this addict behavior started within the marriage, and that really pisses
me off. He knew there were issues with
his behavior, and I was quite clueless. I’m a bit mad at him still – what a
controlling, arrogant way to treat that young bride. I’m mostly mad at myself
for not standing up to him and the outrageous demands. Debra has asked me to
show a little compassion for that 24 year old Sara. I am working on that. It is
difficult, though, when my thoughts are saying that I should have known better.
I remind myself, “how and why would I have known any differently?” Still working on this. Some progress is being made.
Thinking about decorating my home today has some context to
it and why it is a big deal to me. I have had the overriding sense of Tony’s
approval throughout my marriage, even though I eventually stood up for myself
and took some authority over my home’s décor. It took a lot of years, though, and
it was always something in the back of my mind. He would make comments if he didn't like something, and there was an overriding oppression permeating the
home. But all that has changed. I’m free to reflect who I am, and put up any
god-awful looking absurd thing I want. I will like experimenting and putting
into practice some of the creativity that has been squelched over the years. I may decide I like paint by number pictures and velvet Elvis paintings. Who knows. I’m
not blaming Tony for my decisions to be or not be who I am; I must take responsibility for my own choices. I’m
recognizing that I feel released and liberated to do things to my own liking
without anyone’s approval. Tony's or anyone else's.
Perhaps this is the lesson after all. When I think about the
amount of energy and time I have spent in wanting and seeking others’ approval,
I am amazed. Not in a good way, in a surprisingly sad way. Why would I allow
what others’ think about me, my decorating taste, actually my choice of
anything be placed above my own? What others think is their business. Their
thoughts and their opinions are theirs. And mine is mine. And mine is what
matters. To me.
I opened up that decorating door today. I spent the
afternoon with my mother doing adult mother-daughter things. It was a great
joy. It was a gift, and a reward for the work we have been doing in seeking to
relate as two healthy adults. We poked around the new Hobby Lobby and talked
about all the different options and likes and dislikes. I bought some things,
and I will continue the transition to make my home my own. What is really
exciting to me is thinking about entertaining. Welcoming people into my home to
create happy memories: that is why I can call this my home. It is where love abides, and my decorating can reflect
that. That is something to get me motivated. Let the good times begin!
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