I am feeling raw, unzipped, and vulnerable. It would be nice if I could save up my energy and strength from the good and courageous days to use on the tough ones , like Mondays often are. It doesn't really work that way, meaning there are up days and there are down days. I can draw upon the strength that I have from that which I have built from the progress thus far. But there are no reserves to miraculously apply as a balancing formula. For instance, there are days when I feel like I am really "getting" it and maybe I am on the other side. I am coasting along in my Lane and life is looking and feeling great! And then, another rough patch and the "what the heck" thoughts return and I feel like I'm doing all I can to not regress, not lose ground. Hence the ups and downs are not just a metaphor; they are real. We don't get to average them out and avoid the roller coaster ride. Today is just one of those days I repeat to myself "it is what it is" and force my thoughts to recall the progress I have made, to remember "this too shall pass", and to stay thankful.
Mondays are long. I work a full day, go to therapy, and then have a break before going to support group. I anticipate these days, but they are often hard emotionally, and even physically. I want to get all I can out of the hour of power with Debra so I purposely prepare for it. I am invested in wanting and seeking a healthy life, and I covet all that I can from therapy. But let's be real - therapy isn't for sissies. I want the insight and feedback from my therapist, so every week, I prepare by reviewing my week so that I can bring up any issues that I want to be discussed. I'm never short on issues. A lot seems to happen in a week. I know my job is to be vulnerable and "show up" by being honest about my feelings and thoughts. I call it unzipping and I usually end up feeling naked and exposed. This is what I also call "raw". For much of the day leading up to my session I can sense the butterflies in my stomach because I know I will be challenged, and that just isn't a comfortable place to be. So it is common for me to have a Monday Battle. Tonight I just feel a need to process it bit more. The rawness is still there.
The big topic of today involved my examining my motives and reasons for hanging onto the relationship with Tony; I know this will be ending in divorce. It is decided, after all: we are not a good partnering. He needs a simple, controlled, small world. I seek a wide-open, full-out, all the emotions, all the experience, live-out-loud kind of life that tends to get complicated. They just don't mix well. I tolerated the emptiness and loveless marriage for 24 years, and now I have the opportunity to seek out this new life full of aspirations and hope and adventure! Why is there even a question as to my next step? Why aren't the papers filed, for heaven's sake?
The facts are evident. I haven't filed. I called him on Wednesday. Why? Here I am, facing the tough question, then: what am I getting from not completely letting go? I'm still processing this, so bear with me. I know there is a comfort level and all that. What I am starting to realize is that I have a lot of fear. (Ouch.) I can dream about what my life will be like as a single person: travel, visit many of my friends, romance... Maybe there is a partner for me that is suitable and healthy that I can do that with, and who really would enjoy (gee, dare I say "cherish"?) my company?! So why fear? It has a lot to do with the fear of not being able to realize those dreams. Will I have the money to do that? What about all this added responsibility that comes from being on my own - will I even have the time? And the real heart of the matter just surfaced - on my own - what about being alone? Oh, yes, that is a real, look me in the eye fear.
I've been reading and trying to digest the encouragement about trusting my Higher Power, the value of acceptance, and the freedom from letting go. It sounds so good. I can mentally receive this. Sign me up! Yep, I"m on board. More! Then there is really believing it and living it. This of course is the rub; Rubber, meet Road. I find myself standing outside the arena looking into it, thinking "do I really want to dare greatly?" That is a big dare. That is a big arena. I mean we are talking big risk here! And if I do, dare I share my most private thoughts? That is to admit that there is a doubt which appears in a very quiet yet persistent voice that says to me, "Maybe it isn't so bad. He really does love you, and maybe this is your chance at love. Are you sure you can completely throw it all away? He is trying really hard, you know...it's probably better than being a...lone..." This is the first time I have acknowledged that the voice is present and keeps speaking to me. This is why I write. It exposes my secrets. Sometimes they are even secret to me. I hear another, more powerful voice: the one that speaks for my healing. It is saying "Move on! You are worth it! This is your life and you are the star in it!"
Awareness: a gift of recovery. I choose which voice to listen to, and I am committed to doing the next right thing for me and staying in the Healing Lane. So not only do I write, but I release it. This is the strength and power that I can draw upon, even on the most difficult days. This is a tool of recovery. It works for me.