2012 Reflections and Thoughts for 2013

January 2, 2013

It is that time in my life when I feel the need to reflect on the changes over the past several months – let’s get real – the last year. I have been through and accomplished a lot. I recall a year ago facing the need to deal with my health. I was so morbidly obese I couldn't even face weighing myself to see what the scale read. I just knew I was at least 150 pounds overweight. The changes I instituted were going to be drastic in order to address the severity of my deteriorated relationship to food. I made them – I gave up all forms of sugar and artificial sweeteners  grains and all things made with flour, and even gave up caffeine. It is one year tomorrow that I have not eaten things made with sugar or flour (albeit, I have returned to drinking coffee). The reward for this is feeling much better physically and having lost around 70 pounds. 

The significant change of course this past year is my separation and pending divorce from my husband, as well as dealing with the circumstances surrounding this. I have faced my being a co-dependent and accepted that my life had become unmanageable along with the chaos that resulted from my trying to control it with unhealthy behaviors. Finding a support group and a good therapist have been crucial in helping me with my recovery from this unhealthy life. I can acknowledge my growth in areas of awareness, responsibility, setting boundaries, and my self-esteem. I am so thankful for this, for the new relationships I have, and for the possibilities that are now before me. 

Facing the holidays and continuing to maintain this new life I have been working on setting right presented a whole set of challenges, of course to be expected. I am proud of holding forth my food boundaries and not eating any of the family favorites. Who would have said anything to me should I have had a piece of Aunt Vickie’s Danish Kringle (think Danish pastry!)? Not likely anyone. Except me. And I am learning that this is the voice most important. I had stopped listening to my reasonable voice and instead listened to that pathetic, self-serving/self-defeating one. This past year, I have managed to shut Defeating Voice up.  She tries to be heard now and then, but I remind her she made a train wreck of my life and we will have none of that. Healthy Voice kicks in and speaks up for me. I like her and am listening more attentively to her now. She has good things to say.

Yet, a midst all these victories, I find myself still struggling with my feelings and just what those are. Shouldn't I be feeling more joy? I faced the challenges, stood strong, did my self-care, utilized my tools (and I mean a bunch of them over the holidays –  I journaled, prayed, meditated, walked, talked, texted, affirmed, showed up, was honest, resisted, rested, gave room to my feelings, read, cried, laughed, accepted,…), and didn't fall into old patterns with family. I dealt with triggers – there were plenty of those, too. All in all, I would say I did a very good job of staying in my healthy lane. So isn't it logical to expect a pouring out of joy? Shouldn't it just be oozing from my soul? Don’t get me wrong. I’m not all depressed and sad either. I’m just wanting a euphoria for having looked temptation in the eye and overcome it. Instead, I am feeling exhausted. 

I couldn't wait to get back to Tucson to connect with my recovery family. This is where I feel safest. It is where I can just be – no explanation of what is going on with me or why or how I am doing what I am doing. There is acceptance. And understanding. And love. I told those at Monday’s meeting that I needed a “recovery retreat” from all this “in my face” work.  It is just that it is work, and work can be tiring. I’m hoping all those emotional muscles are getting stronger from all these emotional workouts. 

I think that is my lesson today. We must work at it – getting stronger, healthier, and in tune with our spiritual life – as there aren't any “pass go” tickets to accomplish these changes. I remind myself as I have many times this past month, “It is what it is.” Oh, there she is! "There will be joy; yes, there will be lots of joy expressed in 2013!" Told you I'm being more attentive.