One of the tools that is frequently mentioned in recovery is
the need for self-care. I recognize that this can take the form of anything from
taking a walk or a relaxing bath, to going to a movie. This last weekend I practiced
self-care through a 24 hour disengagement from my life by retreating to friends’
home outside of Tucson. Our busy lives rarely afford much time together, so I
was happy to have this extended time with them. There was no need for TV,
radio, or internet. We just soaked, interacted
face to face, heart to heart. We shared deeply, crying and laughing as we were
moved. We were free to be honest and open, each of us showing empathy and
compassion as well as laughter as we exposed our vulnerable times in life
(including now). It was emotional intimacy at its simplest and grandest levels.
On my drive home, I evaluated my visit. Did I manage to stay
in the Healthy Lane? Was I exhibiting co-dependent behaviors? How about my
boundaries? At times, I was drifting near the edge of my Lane, but mostly, I related
in a healthy way. My best gauge was realizing that I wasn't leaving “drained”
as I might have in the past after so much shared vulnerability and deep, often
painful sharing. Instead, I left renewed
and refreshed. I hadn't crossed over into “fixing” or “rescuing” or controlling,
or taking on another’s pain. What wonderful awareness and experience! I have joy
for not only the time away, but knowing I am growing up!
The context for my seeing these dear friends was wanting some
insight regarding singleness in life after divorce. I was able to share my own insecurities about
the next stages of my life – the uncertainty of being alone, managing a large
house, and handling all of the financial responsibilities. My respect and
appreciation for each of them has grown exponentially as I relate now to seeing
what they have overcome, yet exhibit such joy, peace, stability, and compassion
for others. Their honesty about their struggles allowed me to even further
appreciate their current lives and how they exhibit such humble courage and
strength. I received a lot of
encouragement and understanding for what I am facing, as well as an unspoken acknowledgement
that my choices will dictate my journey.
This Monday morning I continue to reflect on my time away. I
am thankful for so very much. The gift of friendship resonates overall, but
with that I can draw upon what healthy relationships look and feel like. I see
my progress, my growth, and my own worth. Recovery is a process, and it is so nice to (finally?!) see some of it!
Poem for Everyone
I
will present you
parts
of
my
self
slowly
if
you are patient and tender.
I
will open drawers
that
stay mostly closed
and
bring out places and people and things
sounds
and smells, loves and frustrations, hopes, and
sadnesses
bits
and pieces of three decades of life
that
have been grabbed off
in
chunks
and
found lying in my hands.
They
have eaten
their
way into my memory,
carved
their way into
my
heart.
altogether-you
or I will never see them.
They
are me.
If
you regard them lightly,
deny
that they are important
or
worse, judge them
I
will quietly, slowly
begin
to wrap them up,
in
small pieces of velvet,
like
worn silver and gold jewelry,
tuck
them away in a small wooden chest of drawers
and
close.
John T. Wood
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