April 21, 2013
Divorce is hard enough with the loss of the marriage and the
dreams of what could have been. Tony and I are really working toward an
amicable agreement. Our son is grown, we have enough equity and savings to
allow for us both to not be financially strapped through this. We are both
working our programs and wanting to live healthy, adult lives by overcoming our
addictions and other compulsive behaviors. The latest test has been handling
family. Last Sunday, he came to dinner
at my house for his birthday. Will and my parents were also here. It was a bit
awkward, but it went well. It was an opportunity for Tony and I to function as friends.
Yesterday I went to a wedding reception on his side of the
family. It was the first time I was around the extended family since we
separated. I was honored to be invited, and I was told that “they were not divorcing me” and that I was still considered part of the family. That was a
very nice sentiment since I very much want to remain a part of their
lives. For 25 years, I have lived and loved alongside the marriages, deaths,
births, and various occasions. In fact it was 25 years ago this very week when
I met many of them for the first time.
I got to thinking about that…I was 23. We were celebrating
Tony’s 42nd birthday. Many of the cousins and aunts and uncles wanted to meet this girl that Tony was so enamored by. My memory is that I was happy because I was “the
chosen one” by this long-term bachelor. I believed that I had a lot to bring to the marriage as
a woman and future wife and that any family would be ecstatic to have me join
their family. That was a bit naïve on my part, but an indication that I basically
felt pretty good about myself. I think I was a bit insecure about my age, but
was convinced of Tony’s love for me and that everyone would be happy for him now that he
had found "the one". I was used to figuring out how things worked, and was pretty
sure that I could do this wife thing since I loved him so much and believed he
loved me as much. Oh, the dreams of those new to love, not jaded by life's experiences, pains, hurts, and addictions.
Thinking about how things ended last summer…I was now 47 and he was
66. Neither of us was happy, and instead of feeling special and cherished, I felt rejected. My
sense of myself was at the other end of the spectrum. Fortunately I had begun to make
changes to feel good about myself again. However just a few months earlier, I felt defeated, unloved, numb, an emotional shadow
of my former self and yet 140 pounds heavier. Those
years represent a big schism. I can’t help but ask myself “what happened?” That of course is a big
reason for this blog, for my commitment to finding out the WHY, and for
redirecting my behaviors and choices for the future.
I digressed a little. I started off this posting about family
and I had intended to write about the value of relationship, and reflect on
what it has meant to still be loved by those who are on the other side of the
divorce. I want to be able to say to me and to others, “it is ok” and that
there are no musts or rules about who we love and who choose to love us back.
It is ok to feel awkward and to work through tough situations as we navigate
these experiences. I chose to love Tony’s family and to remain relating to them as I have these past 25 years - my family.
They welcomed me and learned to love me through my oddities and dysfunction.
And we still are – making those decisions to love. Love is always a good
decision. I can have gratitude about that. After all, it is the attitude I am striving to have.
It's good that you remain close to his family even after the divorce. The opportunities that it will bring along will be beneficial to yours and Tony's friendship, which is a necessary for both of you as co-parents to your son.
ReplyDeleteFerdinand Draper
Remaining civil, at least with each other, is the best consolation you can give to your son. How you will treat your ex-husband's family is all up to you, and it was a good decision to still treat them as your family. I admire your character, Sara!
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