It is amazing what a couple of week days off of work can do for the soul. I had such a low point on Wednesday, recognizing I had finally exposed an ugly truth about my beliefs. This awareness was frightening, yet strangely empowering. Once a lie is exposed, it loses power. So that which has been driving me, unknowingly to my conscious mind, no longer has that hidden force to it. There may be a force, but I can now choose to do something about it! Which I am.
The first step I took was to allow myself to feel the pain of this, for a time. Then it became clear to me to move forward in the Healing Lane. The belief that I need to earn my love is a lie. I have head knowledge about that, so it seems I just need to believe it in my depths. There are a lot of tools to help me with this. In recovery we talk about affirmations. This is very powerful. I have also received a wonderful list of affirmations of what scripture says about who I am. I am responsible for what thoughts I entertain, and I am choosing to focus on my value and worth. It is taking responsibility for myself. Healthy adults do this; I want to exhibit healthy adult behavior!
There are other tools for me. Setting healthy boundaries for myself is always a good choice. I have been reading, meditating, and working on overcoming my codependency. Without putting in the effort to identify my thoughts, own and release the feelings, and change my behavior, I will remain stuck. I have a renewed commitment to myself about becoming who I envision Sara to be. This includes being freed from the addictions, especially the draw to eating inappropriately.
It has been something like turning over a coin – on one side of the coin is the pain, the reality of today, the rawness. That side of the coin is real and important. Not recognizing the pain and the reality is living in denial (not healthy!). But the other side of the coin is the potential of where I can go because of who I am having dealt with that pain. I am the coin; the pain is mine but so are the dreams, worthiness, and courage to deal with the pain. To not turn over the coin to look at what can be done, to see what else lies within - that is not healthy either.
Today is about acceptance. I am ok. I am more than ok, I am great. I am reminded that whatever I am feeling – pain, joy, anger, loneliness… – this, too, shall pass. I can deal with whatever unpleasant reality is exposed, and I can move forward with my choices to better myself as well. It is just part of the journey. One primary goal in my journey is to stay in the Healing Lane, which is what I refer to as my efforts in becoming a fully functioning adult and not being codependent. It is about choices. I'm very happy to be making some healthy ones.