It is amazing what a couple of week days off of work can do
for the soul. I had such a low point on
Wednesday, recognizing I had finally exposed an ugly truth about my beliefs.
This awareness was frightening, yet strangely empowering. Once a lie is
exposed, it loses power. So that which has been driving me, unknowingly to my
conscious mind, no longer has that hidden force to it. There may be a force,
but I can now choose to do something about it! Which I am.
The first step I took was to allow myself to feel the pain
of this, for a time. Then it became clear to me to move forward in the Healing
Lane. The belief that I need to earn my love is a lie. I have head knowledge
about that, so it seems I just need to believe it in my depths. There are a lot
of tools to help me with this. In recovery we talk about affirmations. This is
very powerful. I have also received a wonderful list of affirmations of what
scripture says about who I am. I am responsible for what thoughts I entertain,
and I am choosing to focus on my value and worth. It is taking responsibility for
myself. Healthy adults do this; I want to exhibit healthy adult behavior!
There are other tools for me. Setting healthy boundaries for
myself is always a good choice. I have
been reading, meditating, and working on overcoming my codependency. Without
putting in the effort to identify my thoughts, own and release the feelings,
and change my behavior, I will remain stuck. I have a renewed commitment to
myself about becoming who I envision Sara to be. This includes being freed from the addictions, especially the draw to eating inappropriately.
It has been something like turning over a coin – on one side of the coin is the pain, the
reality of today, the rawness. That side of the coin is real and
important. Not recognizing the pain and the reality is living in denial (not healthy!). But the other side of the coin is the potential of where I can go because
of who I am having dealt with that pain. I am the coin; the pain is mine but so
are the dreams, worthiness, and courage to deal with the pain. To not turn over the coin to look at what can be done, to see what else lies within - that is not healthy either.
Today is about acceptance. I am ok. I am more than ok, I
am great. I am reminded that whatever I am feeling – pain, joy, anger,
loneliness… – this, too, shall pass. I can deal with whatever unpleasant reality is exposed, and I can move forward with my choices to better myself as well. It is just part of the journey. One
primary goal in my journey is to stay in the Healing Lane, which is what I
refer to as my efforts in becoming a fully functioning adult and not being
codependent. It is about choices. I'm very happy to be making some healthy ones.
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