The Darkest Spot

Sometimes it isn’t easy to put to words what I’m feeling, to describe the pain and angst of looking deep within myself in searching for the source of my misguided beliefs or the root of the dysfunction. I read books by noted authors and therapists, attend support groups, do deep soul-searching, and of course, have weekly therapy appointments. It is about my journey; my desire to get to the very core of my issues. Why? Because I’m tired of knowing I’m not all here. There is a part of my soul that is covered and protected; a part that is sad and empty. That place, call it a hole or a dark spot, or whatever it is, needs healed. It feeds my addictions, it is a parasite on my self-worth, and it is the part that desperately needs freed from the bondage and pain.

I uncovered a negative belief today that is giving me a clue about this deep dark place. It is my desire to know without any doubt that no matter what I do - should I never do another right thing again in my whole life - that I am still loved and accepted. I endeavor to do the right thing and to be pleasing to others as a general practice. I have learned that this is a coping skill  in order to get attention, to receive love, and to feel a belonging to the social units in my life – like family, friendships, and work. It has worked well for me in general; not so much in my marriage, but otherwise I have followed the good daughter, good friend, good student, good girl rules by and large. Mostly I have gotten the approval I desired. It is how I function, and I'm not sure if I separate when I do "the right thing" whether it is out of a habit of pleasing or just habit.

The problem is that doing to receive isn't enough. Performance for love never is. There is a deep down belief that should I cease to perform, then the love will cease as well.  The drive to please and perform undermines the real issue of just being loved. Regardless, of my ability to produce or perform or function or serve or whatever.

I crave to know that I am loved through and through, whether I attain all that God has planned for me or I don’t do one more thing for Him, even turning my back on Him. I have always believed He loves me, but I also know I have done my best to be lovable, and so there is a twist in that logic.  I am facing doubts and questions about myself and my self-worth, which translates in my mind to feeling less than, feeling inadequate, and an almost nullifying effect on me. I've grown weary of doing and performing, and tired of trying to earn my acceptance.

This is a difficult subject. It isn't easy to write about or acknowledge these things. I do this because it helps me. I choose to get as honest as I know to be in order to look at and examine what is going on deep within me. It is painful, yet I trust in the process. It requires that I dare greatly and take risks beyond my general vulnerable level. It is my hope that in having the light shine on that dark spot, that God will reach me in that most tender and awful place. I pray that by risking all that is in me, I will find the peace and love that only He can provide.

I sit here on my patio which is where I go to find peace for myself and to process what is going on within me. Today I face the very real challenge of trusting God. I still want to smoke; I still want to eat. The temptation to medicate and to go numb is very real.  I do not want to continue in unhealthy behaviors, and especially not deliberately. I will continue down the Healing Lane for this is my course, my journey, and where I will continue to find the answers I seek, where wholeness awaits.