I am approaching my four year anniversary of recovery from
co-dependency, co-addiction, and compulsive behaviors. I cannot believe how differently
my life looks and feels today. I have such gratitude waking up with contentment
and serenity. I have traveled a lot of miles along The Healing Lane, seeking
and pushing forward, resting at times, and slowing the pace when needed.
It was July 14, 2012 – it’s amazing how certain dates are
etched in our memories – when my transformation began. It is the day that my tolerance for my
husband’s addictions and my co-dependent behaviors with it were confronted. Seventeen
years earlier in July, however, is when I learned about his addiction when he disclosed to me why he had been so miserable and angry. It is
one of the most painful moments I have experienced. It is this anniversary that
has me thinking about and dealing with some feelings that I have avoided for
quite a while.
There is an intensity to my feelings as I’m taken back
to that summer evening in 1995. It is when I learned that my husband was addicted to pornography
and that he had several compulsive sexual behaviors that made up his sexual
life. Alongside this, however, was the awareness and painful realization that he
was unable to have intimate sexual relations with me. It was a double-sided
knife that bore into my core as I tried to understand that he had a whole
sexual life apart from me while not participating in a sexual life with me. It
was a lot to take in. Like bent over in gripping pain a lot. It wasn’t until I
started recovery that I had terms for this. He is a sex addict that acts out
by compulsively seeking sexual pleasure outside the relationship as well as
acting in by compulsively avoiding sexual and emotional intimacy. The
latter description is about sexual avoidance or sexual anorexia, both terms I
have come to use about the disease that has affected me so greatly.
My therapy and recovery are about dealing with my behaviors and my disease. These have included many lessons on learning
how to remain present when issues from my past, uncomfortable feelings,
triggering episodes, and traumatic events surface. Letting go of my unhealthy coping
behaviors such as compulsive eating, smoking, shopping, sex, or numbing (tv and
computer), working, obsessive thinking, (the list goes on) has taken a lot of fortitude,
honesty, and effort. I’m reminded when uncomfortable feelings or situations occur that
simply staying sober is an accomplishment because I had become so accustomed to medicating away those feelings. Fortunately,
I have been a good student and I have learned healthy behaviors and to stay
present for myself.
This is why I think that when this memory of my husband’s
disclosure surfaced recently, I could use the tools and experiences to help
navigate through them without needing to use those outdated coping behaviors.
In this case, it was that I was feeling again how alone I was having just heard his confession and with absolutely no
understanding of these compulsive sexual behaviors. I felt completely and
utterly rejected by my husband and yet there was an expectation to forgive him
and to be supportive of his dealing with this issue. What I didn’t know is that
this was a traumatic experience for me. My life completely changed in that
moment. I was no longer in the dark; it
was the passing of what remained of my innocence. The world of addiction
and its devastating effects had now overtaken me and my life. Overwhelmed with
feelings, thoughts, and expectations, I did what was natural to me: I rose to
the challenge by becoming super-supportive and stuffing what I couldn’t
process. I can see that how I reacted to the pressures, feelings, and
circumstances reveals my issues.
I don’t actually remember much from the days that
followed. As they re-surface, I am choosing to be understanding, compassionate, and loving to myself. I can accept that at that time that I acted in what
I thought was in the best interest for my family. I
did forgive him; I did support him; I did, in fact, do everything I knew to do to
help him, be understanding, come to his aid, take the high road, travel the low road
when it was needed, and to be the wife that stood by her addicted
husband. I became a classic case of a co-dependent of a sex-addict. I really
thought I was helping him and doing the right thing. And I really thought it would work.
My choice to stay in the marriage and to fight for our
family, especially noting the impact to our young son, was honorable. Meanwhile
I didn’t understand what was happening to me by not receiving the help that I needed.
My husband’s issues were the focus and my job was to forgive and to find help
for him. For eight years this is what I did. I sought out every program and
possibility for help that I knew. Eventually I gave up. I was exhausted, had lost
hope, and was filled with shame. I thought that I had failed by not being
enough. Or too much. Whatever it was, it was partly my fault or maybe even
mostly my fault. I was supposed to be able to save him. My guilt, shame, pain,
anger, loneliness, and fear were more than I could handle and so another of my issues – medicating feelings instead of expressing them – took hold in increasingly harmful ways.
I know differently now. His shame is not mine to carry; I
have my own around abandoning myself and for the compulsive behaviors I have engaged in to medicate away my pain. I can honor
myself by allowing stuffed feelings to surface and be expressed. I can forgive
myself for not putting myself as a priority, for falling into the
depression that nearly swallowed me up, and for becoming morbidly obese.
What I seek today it to be present for myself as I allow
those really intense feelings to surface. I cry. I breathe and follow the paths
of sensation in my body. I speak kindly and lovingly to myself. I repeat
affirmations of my value and worthiness. I reach out to friends. I reach for
God. I turn inward and access peace, serenity, and joy. I continue working the
Twelve Steps. I am alone and yet, I am never alone.
This anniversary is a celebration. It is a reminder of what
has changed in four years – in 21 years! – and the marvelous journey of The
Healing Lane.
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