It is now over a year since my divorce. I have been
reflecting on the changes this past year with some gratitude and appreciation
for having done some really deep work in the emotional realm. I have faced certain
parts of my love addiction that have given me new perspective on how I relate
to both romantic interests and friendships. I have been rigorously honest and I
have held forth the commitment to show up for myself even when it is unpleasant
and awkward. It is paying off because I see a difference in how I relate to
myself.
I am presently applying the adage that if you want
different results than you need to do something differently. My general January
approach to weight loss and other life changes is extreme. I wouldn’t have
recognized this as extreme because it is what I have always done. I go on diets
and start exercise plans and take on massive projects. This year I am making
minor adjustments to which I can build upon with the intention of incorporating
them into my lifestyle. It is the gentler approach. I must say, it feels kind
of “wimpy” because the extreme feels “right”.
It has taken me up until now to grasp that the
deprivation of strict dieting or spending restrictions or even massive project
undertaking are parts of my addictive behaviors. It is the compulsivity of
deprivation or doing without. It is commonly seen in eating disorders or sexual
addiction. The excessive end or the deprived end are on the same addiction
continuum. Extreme thinking has been arrested. At least for now. Part of my
approach is taking it a day at a time. That is all that I can do. It’s also
part of the acceptance of my powerlessness, my lack of control, my reliance on
a Higher Power.
I have heard Debra share on a number of occasions her
perspective on being “healthy”. Basically it is also a continuum. She seeks
greater and greater healthy behavior because life continues to unfold and with
it the lessons for that day and time. I’m paraphrasing of course. That’s my
version but I want to give her credit for this. It is where I am today. It is
the acknowledgement that I am living in a healthier place than I was a year
ago; I am receiving rewards for the behaviors and decisions to maintain healthy
boundaries and to express my feelings. I see those areas that still need work
and that is completely wonderfully healthy to see them and accept myself for
where I am today.
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