Last night I went to bed feeling unsettled, anxious, and somewhat troubled. I have been facing some old stuff with my marriage. It started surfacing a couple of weeks ago, and it seems to be gaining intensity. With all my tools, I’m still feeling less than equipped to handle this. Before falling asleep, I said a prayer to lighten my heaviness, knowing I just needed to give it to God.
Interestingly, I had had a most bizarre dream that is so metaphorical that I wanted to share it. It is amazing to me how the spiritual world interacts with our mental and physical limitations to communicate to us valuable information. The gift of this dream is the peace that I received from knowing God had heard my prayer, and the reminder that I am not alone. I believe my dream is a response to that prayer.
In the dream I was preparing for a long-term trip toward a destination that I believe I referred to as “home”. I had my car packed and was moving down my lane (shall I assume it is The Lane?!) toward this desired destination and feeling very content. At some point, this path became underwater and I was no longer on the road, but in the midst of a massive lake. I was no longer in the car, recognizing that the lake required something different. For a moment there was panic on the awareness of not recognizing that the road had ended and for no longer having access to the vehicle to get me to my destination. I felt very alone, and very much wanted rescued. I looked for help, for the potential for help, and could only see water. In assessing my options, I realized that I was going to need to move toward land. I decided to swim forward in the direction of the destination rather than turn around. I began swimming and was surprised to find out that I found a rhythm to my swimming all the while comforting Little Sara who was with me. There was a peace about me that I could continue, even a welcoming sense of serenity as I felt the water support me. I no longer had thoughts of being rescued but in the present peace of having come to my own rescue and realizing I had strength and abilities I had not known.
Once again, I was taken somewhat by surprise in this peaceful state to having reached a massive bridge-like structure. As in many dreams, it isn't easy to describe what seems so real and obvious in a dream. This structure appeared rather unexpectedly, providing me with a solid footing. I was now grounded and aware that this was more like a station where travelers were in transition. It provided not only safety, but a whole infrastructure to others who were also arriving, leaving, getting refuge, and connecting with others. It became clear that I would likely find a ride to my destination. I observed others also needing assistance. Some were not asking for help, just sitting rather solemnly alone. Others were desperate for help, and others were gathered in a logical place where those offering assistance could connect with those wanting it. I found this place, and it is there that the dream ended.
Upon waking, I remember thinking that the dream was just odd, and it provided more of a vague sensation of confusion than anything else. I then got the thought that there was more to this dream, and I began to feel some encouragement. As I started to write out the dream, I got clarity about the metaphors. The destination is my destiny where I will have found healing, authentic living, and purpose. This journey of mine is indeed about that destination, and the path to get there. It began in preparation and having a reliable car – which I decided is Debra, my therapist. The contentment is the result of the work I've done both in therapy and in recovery. The path doesn't end abruptly, but I will find myself in a new place, much like finding myself in the lake. I related to this as my powerlessness over my circumstances but quickly finding acceptance of my choices and limitations. I very much relate to that feeling of being overwhelmed, in a place I didn't know how I got here, and with the uncertainly of what to do to change my circumstances. The cliché of “sink or swim” was rather literal in this dream. I have gratitude to see that I chose to swim. I’m even more pleased to see that I had strength to do things I didn't know that I could do!
The massive bridge/infrastructure is God (Higher Power). It is rather comforting to see this place of refuge, connection, and support. It is interesting to see that God is representative not in a single entity but in a complex, multi-dimensional collection of structures. It was like a hub of activity. Those that I saw who just remained alone, not seeking help, represent those wounded and hurt souls who are still accepted and loved by God. I see that there is a responsibility to respond to God’s love and provision. Finally, those who were willing to offer rides are those in recovery such as sponsors who are offer help to those who want it.
It’s an interesting take on The Healing Lane. I can’t take any credit for this, I just record it as a part of my journey, and rest in the gratitude for the gift that it is.