My EMDR Story on PBS

When I started down the Healing Lane many months ago, I had no idea of what I was really embarking upon. After all, how could I? I had spent years on the Road of Dis-Ease, causing physical and emotional harm by trying to numb away the pain that was mounting within me. But as I have shared numerous times, I set out to change things - to redeem my life from the snares of a slow death.  It was into my second year on this path that I actually called it "The Healing Lane" because I had the life-changing events of July 2012, and I wanted to move into a new season and out of the one I had spent in for far too long. 

Part of my therapy has included EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. This has been a very significant part of my healing. I was interviewed in August for a story on Arizona Illustrated Science (PBS series) regarding EMDR therapy. The story aired last night; it is about 6 1/2 minutes of the half hour program. I've gotten good feedback, including very complimentary remarks from Debra (who is the authority and clinician in the story). 

Seeing myself on air -- wrinkles, weight, moles and all -- was a bit difficult. Who really likes to see that much of oneself up close and personal?! I knew I would struggle with this when I agreed to do the story. I put my best face forward and decided it was worth the risk anyway. I am pleased, despite it requiring my working through my self-critique not only of my appearance but what and how I actually communicated. That is just part of putting myself in the public eye, so I'm letting go of a lot of my negative talk, accepting that I did the best I knew and could do. I forget those little quirky things I do, but are rather accepted standard behavior by those who know me. I repeat, "I yam what I yam."  Yes, Sara, keep reminding yourself: Acceptance.  

The story is one of four on the general topic of vision/visual interests; the EMDR piece was the last one aired,  but it was the best story in my opinion! The link below takes you to that segment.

https://originals.azpm.org/p/azill-science/2013/10/22/27872-controversial-treatment-eases-trauma-raises-questions/. 

You will see a written version;  click the play arrow on the picture of me if you want to watch the video. There I go again...I just keep putting myself out there! I guess daring greatly and having a willingness to take risks really are a part of my healing as I work my way along The Healing Lane, with my sights on wholeness, awareness, and forgiveness. Sometimes I'm stumbling along, sometimes drifting, mostly at a steady and devoted pace, but occasionally, sprinting.  I like the thought of being a runner, even if at this point it is only metaphorically speaking. I got the shoes, the matching outfit, and the headband . Incidentally, the headband reads "Never Give Up".  

So That’s a Containment Boundary!

I have believed for most of my life that “I am too much.” This was told to me when I was younger, and more directly as a teen, and then frequently by my soon-to-be-ex-husband. I suppose that the term “too much” applies to a lot of things. I took it to mean, that I – my being, my soul, my needs, my personality, me-being-me – was too much for people to like, and therefor to be loved I needed to just scale back. Essentially, I couldn't be the all-out “me” and be loved.

I have been addressing this belief, and had some significant breakthroughs in this area. I’m glad to say that I am embracing the idea that I am OK, and that indeed I am not too much. That I am OK the way I was created to be; that my high-spirited, live-out-loud, expressive, sensual, emotional, analytical self is just who I am. In my quest to be authentic and genuinely the person God created me to be, I am finally accepting that there is a reason that I am made the way I am.

Today it occurred to me that what is really meant by “too much” isn't that there is something wrong with me – implying I am defective, eliciting shame – but that some of my behavior relates more to a containment boundary. If I am behaving loudly, for instance, and someone asks me to tone it down, it just means that my behavior may be offensive or that my behavior is undesirable. I am not undesirable or unlovable. My tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve – that is to be expressly emotional with my feelings – is uncomfortable for some people. In these cases, my way of behaving may be “too much” for them. I can accept that this is not about me, but about them. I can accept that some like it one way and some like it another. I do not have to “change” in order to be loved. I can choose whether I want to contain my behaviors in order to respect the boundaries of others. That is my choice, and it is about loving myself and accepting that I am the way I am. However, I can love others by containing my behavior which does affect others. 

Containment is about recognizing my choices. I may choose to respect another’s request or boundaries by modifying my behavior. Not because I am defective, but because of my desire to be loving and respectful. A request doesn't mean I have to honor it; it doesn't mean that I am unworthy, unlovable, broken, or any of the shame labels I have given myself in the past. A request is simply that: a request. A judgment, preference, or indifference over behavior is not equal to judging, preferring, or rejecting the person. This realization is a rather significant “a-ha” moment for me because I haven’t gotten this until now! Out of respect for myself and/or others I may choose to remove myself rather than contain myself in a way that is disingenuous or feels unauthentic. This is a perfectly reasonable option. That just occurred to me! It is simply another choice.

Telling me “You’re too much” was translated to “I’m not right; I’m not good enough; I can’t be loved the way I am, so in order to be loved I must change who I am.” Just how does one go about changing who we are anyway? My solution was to hide, to minimize my needs and the pain of feeling rejected, to turn on myself by believing I was defective, to medicate, and ultimately not be the “real me” to the world. Oh, there were glimpses, there were times when my inhibitions were let loose. There were those people that embraced my larger-than-life ways. Thank God for those times. Thank God for those people who loved me in spite of myself. But over time, by-and-large, I just became less and less of myself -- essentially shrinking on the inside, while getting larger and larger on the outside.

Fifteen months into therapy and recovery, and I’m seeing some Healing Lane victory laps! It is still such a day-to-day challenge. I feel up one and down the next. It seems there is no shortage of issues to address, emotions to reconcile, issues to process. Ah, but isn't that always the case? I’m still rather new at this, but I’m starting to flow in this whole “awareness” thing. I’m starting to figure this out on my own, or so I hope. This containment revelation is so new (I did say "today" by the way) it hasn't passed the Debra session yet. It appears I’m getting rather confident in myself.  Whew! That says a lot in and of itself! With that, it sounds like I’m tooting my own horn, which is of course, while cruising along, windows down, enjoying the ride through The Healing Lane. Today has been a great day! Full moon Saturday night, here I am (too much, ya think?)!! 

More on My Blasted Compulsive Behavior

I have not hidden my struggle with my addictions that are embroiled within the codependent behavior for which I am in recovery. This month, culminating this week in a look-myself-squarely-in-the-face reality check, I have been dealing with love addiction. I acknowledge that my overwhelming thoughts on this are along the lines of "Really? More compulsivity to address? Can't I just be done with this? Is there no end to the ways I find myself thinking and acting compulsively?"

I have a history toward the obsessive side most notedly regarding food and cigarettes. I also tend to use spending, given the chance, and I can see the lure in drinking and gambling. I recognize the addictive behavior and how it just shifts from one vice to another. It is all about that chemical fix to relieve the pain and obtain that momentary high. Oh, that blasted coping skill! 

I have learned that in addition to the aforementioned, I also get a buzz from the attention and newness of a relationship. Now that I am facing singleness and  beginning a new chapter in my life, the old patterns have surfaced. Wouldn't you know it, so has the addiction. I have been slightly dismissive of the knowledge that I am a love addict. It has been the topic of many a session with Debra, yet it didn't seem to be having much of an effect on me, or so I thought. I was, afterall, working heartily at overcoming the food and cigarette fix and doing my Twelve-Steps on co-dependency. I really did not embrace wanting to take on more. Debra had recommended some readings on this topic, however, and I appreciate Pia Mellody's work, Facing Love Addiction. The insight gained is so very valuable. Knowledge, it seems in and of itself, though, does not replace the need to confront and overcome the compulsive behavior. If that is all it took, I would not be struggling. And struggling I have been.

I'm writing here to reflect and share my recent experience. I do this as part of my efforts to stay in, or in this case return to, The Healing Lane. I acknowledge that with the recent high of feeling the connection (real or imagined) followed by the painful low of facing the reality of what I have been doing has prompted a temporary departure from The Lane. The unhealthy behavior has included nurturing a flood of thoughts and emotions in-congruent with the development of the relationship, hence imagining a relationship that is not yet a coupleship. It has included an onslaught of my texting without response; the imagined reciprocated feelings; what my dear friend refers to as "making a cake out of the crumbs I've been given." Even when I began seeing myself engaging in this, I didn't want to stop myself. 

Fortunately, I'm getting used to recognizing when I'm in that compulsive mindset, and that it leads to disaster. I commend myself for confronting the behavior before it got completely out-of-hand (I recognize that this is a relative statement, so out-of-hand by my standards). Although I avoided a head-on collision from my Lane departure, it brought with it shame and guilt. Those residues are lingering yet today. 

I am getting much better at resisting the urge to not act out in food or smoking, but the desire to do so still surfaces far too often. I want to remain humbled and to not take my sobriety for granted. Which is why I share this latest trial here - my on-line journal. I never know if my experiences resonate with others or not. My desire is that by being open, I provide an opportunity for discovery. Debra gave me the nicest compliment today along those lines; and that is being authentic is the most sincere form of vulnerability that one can exhibit. I have chosen to stay in the fight; the fight for my health, serenity, and relationships. I renew my commitment to dare greatly by sharing my struggles. The arena is a place that one gets knocked around. So it seems fitting.

Bottom line - when I am in my addict mode, I am not authentic. I am hiding, medicating, seeking relief, avoiding, ... which is not genuine nor authentic. Being authentic and vulnerable is all about The Healing Lane, and I know that is where I want to be. 

Celebrating in The Lane

Time for some celebrating!

Thursday, September 19 marks my 200th day of no smoking! I have had many days when I wanted to smoke, but I have not had even one cigarette. Kudos, Sara! Compliments, congratulations, and chips are all being accepted. I can picture your applause as I sail along my Healing Lane, smiling, fragrant, blooming, happy. Thanks, by the way.

Friday, September 20 I attend my high school class reunion. I had planned on being a bit slimmer, but I realized a few weeks back that better than a slim body, is a healthy body, mind, and soul! I am that! I have worked on being healthy and it is paying off. My physical health is the best it has been in a very long time (all health reports are good!). I am emotionally on the mend and can honestly say I am loving myself.  I will show up as the authentic, happy, spunky, social, caring, compassionate, genuinely grateful me. I'm ok with who I am. That is worth celebrating indeed!

Saturday, September 21 I attend my cousin's wedding shower. Yes, that is a celebration in itself. It is worth noting here because I have missed so many of these family events. I moved from Iowa over 29 years ago, and I have missed a lot of family events. A whole generation has happened in my absence. This divorce marks a desire to stay connected to family in a new way. Or perhaps it is my middle-age. Again, I get to not only attend, but be the person that they remember. The Sara that was embracing her adulthood with open arms has returned. They remember her, and they will be happy to see her. It is truly a wonderful homecoming.

Sunday, September 22 I will finish my trip with my parents, my precious Sophia, and my best high school pal and friend. Talk about being surrounded in love! I will have seen my brother, his kids, extended family, classmates, friends, and my beloved Iowa. Sometimes the Healing Lane takes me places that are just pure joy. That is when I take note to pause, enjoy, and mark the memory with smells, sights, and sounds that I may recall at a later time. The Lane has more ahead, and most assuredly, there will be days I will need to recall this time.

Twenty-five Years

I am sitting here, the evening before my 25^th wedding anniversary, and can’t help but feel that I have been cheated out of the dream I had when I stood before the 200+ guests at my wedding. Part of that dream was celebrating my silver wedding anniversary. That is the time when life is supposed to start getting easier, having proven the testing of love and raised the children. In my marriage, we had talked of celebrating with a long-anticipated trip. Instead, we are in the midst of mediating our divorce and closing the books on 25 years of marriage. There is no celebration.

I am angry at not having a marriage that could endure and survive the trials of betrayal and addiction. I am painfully sad that I am now alone and facing this new season as a single person, just when I was preparing for the opportunities that open up when there are no children at home. And now with singleness I am fearful that I do not have the resources to maintain my current lifestyle. Yes, there is an absence of joy. It is a time to grieve my loss and to feel and express these emotions. Divorce is difficult, painful, death, and loss.

I wrestle with reconciling that indeed all these things are valid, and yet, I will still press onward and hold onto the new dream that this next season offers hope beyond what today’s feelings hold. They can co-exist. The devastation of divorce does not last forever. It will not always be this painful, but today it just is. I realize it isn’t missing the person as much as allowing the death of the dream of growing old together; of being together until death do us part. I hadn’t realized that the death that do us part was the death of the marriage. My friend Erma reminded me that although the marriage failed, neither of us are failures. Sometimes it still feels like that, though. This is why I keep pressing onward in The Healing Lane. I have needed to accept that I alone cannot save a marriage. I alone am not responsible for making the marriage work. I alone am not responsible for the success or failure of it.

Sometimes being in The Lane is about acknowledging that I am powerless over the circumstances, yet have complete control over how I handle it. Handling it doesn’t imply that I have to do it perfectly or with a smile or without help. Staying in The Lane can simply be done by being honest and authentic with myself and my emotions and thoughts as they become apparent to me. I am doing just that, partially by sharing them here. It still is my 25^th wedding anniversary whether it is celebrated or not; I need to acknowledge that.

Sometimes it’s the Simple Things

I got a new car a couple of years ago and the key is much larger than those I had used previously. I didn't incorporate the key into my grouping of other keys, which included office keys, home keys, other car keys, and what I've come to realize recently, some keys to which I no longer use. So I've had two sets of keys to juggle: my car keys and my other keys. Yesterday I decided to move my office key and house key from the collection of miscellaneous keys and store fobs to the key ring with my car key. This simple little change has made my life so much easier! Go figure…for nearly two years I have been balancing two sets of keys along with the purse, water bottle, coffee/tea, computer bag, gym bag, food bag, meeting bag(s), and whatever else might be needed. I might be known for having an assortment of bags with me wherever I go.

I’m almost amused, although I’m still in a bit of disbelief that it has taken me so long to take action, that this one simple, less-than-a-minute task could make my life so much easier. I can’t help but chuckle at this image of me balancing all this stuff (ok, I don’t take all of that stuff every day – it is just an example of the many different things I may have) and also the juggling two sets of keys! It is rather absurd when I think about it.

This couldn't be a better metaphor of life in general, could it?! I have a lot of stuff I am toting around. My recovery bag, my nutrition bag, my work bag, my service bag, my family bag, my divorce bag, and the looming household bag.  Yet there I am trying to juggle not two sets of keys, but several sets! There are simple tasks that I could be doing to make my life easier. I am talking the super simple tasks. This is in both the physical realm and emotional realm. I am thinking about the few second efforts to put things away, removing the stuff from my car each night, and tossing out the junk mail the day it arrives. I acknowledge the simple things I am already doing, and so it is not a stretch to add a few more. In fact it could become rather habit forming, almost an application of self-care. 

There are emotional tasks that are simple as well, and yet have the same accumulative effect on me if gone unmonitored and allowed to build. What comes to mind is what I've been learning by allowing a feeling to pass through me. Surprising enough, even some of the most intense feelings last just 30-90 seconds if I just let them pass. Sometimes the simple thing is just to give over the thought and the emotional feeling with it to God – hence, release it. I can also write down the thought or feeling and put it into the God Box, which is to say that I am releasing it completely to God. Or acknowledge it in a journal, send a text, speak to myself or someone else. It is as if those emotional bags just get more and more cumbersome if I don't do some simple releasing. 

Simple tasks, simple lesson, and simply amazing how one key ring can make an impact. It shall remain my reminder that simple things can make a big difference. 

Loneliness, Being Alone, Isolation, Withdrawal, Solitude…NOT the Same Thing!

It seems like the last few months I have been on hyper-speed. It has been a bit of work to maintain lane control while so many things have been surfacing, yet there have been monumental breakthroughs. This last weekend, though, an amazing thing happened. The Lane took a turn and unbeknownst to me, a whole new scene appeared and I got to witness such magnificent beauty! The Healing Lane offered absolutely breathtaking views. The views were from within, and they were of me.

I decided to recognize my one year anniversary of being in recovery and the many efforts I've made by attending a workshop. I gave myself this reward. I went to Scottsdale to the Franciscan Renewal Center to be a participant in REAC²H (Restoring Embodied Awareness, Compassion, Connection, and Hope) which is a workshop on mindfulness led by Dr. Jon Caldwell. It was one of those times when God was at work orchestrating what I needed because it couldn't have been a better fit for me right now. I couldn't have scripted it better if I was in charge.

Let me first provide a context. Just a few weeks ago I was struggling with my compulsive urges – wanting to eat, smoke, drink, and spend – and was frustrated with myself. Debra suggested that I spend some time alone allowing myself to “just be”.  Let the thoughts come in, thoughts go out. Feelings in, feelings out. No food, drink, music, journal, or other distraction was to accompany my solitude. Me. Just be with me. She had noted my anxiety about being alone and wondered if I had really allowed myself to feel the loneliness. Her talking about it brought on anxiety. Not a loner. Never have been. So she recommended 10 minutes in a comfortable chair. She acknowledged that I might not make 10 minutes at first. I referred to this exercise as “the loneliness exercise”. I had forgotten that she spoke of mindfulness. My mind had been hijacked with the thought of being alone.

That night I moved right into the assignment, ready to face this fear of feeling and being alone. I settled into my patio chair, noting the time of 8:30pm, My thoughts began... “I’m good to go. Not bad…oh, look at the beautiful mountain. And isn't it rather serene out here…but awfully quiet. And alone. Oh, so alone.” The tears start to flow, increasing in intensity and amount. After a bit of that, I think, that should possibly do it. So I check the time: 8:31pm. I exaggerate not. That is being uncomfortable with myself, and that has been present for most parts of my life. I persevered for three more cycles of the being ok, crying, and then comforting. I did survive for 10 minutes, but I did not enjoy that exercise even those the awareness of this was a gift in itself. That experience was just a little over a month ago.

This past weekend I spent a lot of alone time. I stayed at the Renewal Center by myself. No TV, by the way. I went to a movie with myself. I also learned mindful meditation and the gift of solitude. I found that I can show myself some compassion. I discovered that I am not only ok with myself but that I am actually becoming comfortable in my own skin! On the last day, I wrote “I feel like I have found a new friend in myself.” I put this kind of transformation in the miracle department. That void I have wanted to fill isn't so empty. The me I’d been avoiding is now being welcomed…by me!

I suppose in a lot of ways, this is what I've been seeking all year. I’m not only showing fully function adult behavior but I’m learning my own worthiness and lovability. This change that had been in the works recently hadn't been quite recognized since I’d been so accustomed to my disdain for my failures, my body, and the thoughts that seemed to betray me. However, there were signs…the day before I left for the workshop I had written, “I feel like a bud ready to blossom.” God was indeed at work. That alone was a huge breakthrough! I have not only bloomed, but I can smell the fragrance of the blossom and see that it is beautiful. Now that is some recovery! I can hardly believe I’m even writing this, which is a good reason for me to do just that.

I've contemplated whether I should share this. It seems a little over-the-top and a departure from my usual sharing. I thought on this some more, including the reasons why I write this blog (for insight, reflection, and to chronicle my recovery journey). I endeavor to be authentic and genuine. This posting requires my being just as vulnerable, to dare greatly, and to feel just as deeply as I do when it is raw pain, guilt, shame, or anger. In some ways, I feel even more vulnerable because there seems to be an expectation about sharing the victories and the high notes. Perhaps it has been my exposure to the cynicism of those who are judgmental of those in healthy and happy spaces.  That cynicism, however, I can finally say is not about me. This blog is about me, The Healing Lane, and my journey, which has been a true joy ride this past week.