To be Cherished by The One Who Loves Me

In recovery, we talk about our Higher Power, the God of our understanding, and various elements to a spiritual awakening. I reflect on recent events and the life-changing gift to me where I know I crossed over to a new place in recovery where serenity replaces insanity.

The context begins with my efforts to undercover how my behavior as a love addict shows up in my life. Most obvious is the holding onto and remaining in a relationship that is unhealthy.  There are other elements around having few healthy boundaries, feeling empty and incomplete when alone, the need to rescue and/or be rescued to name a few. I uncovered an area in my life that I hadn't seen as part of this addiction – assigning magical qualities to others and then after idealizing them, blame them for not fulfilling our fantasies and expectations.

Facing this pattern of mine – I have done this in romantic, family, friend, and recovery relationships – has not been pleasant by any means. Most recently when I saw this in an important relationship to me, I wanted to hide, to ignore it, pretend it really wasn't there, minimize it.  The fears of losing the relationship and feeling rejected were very present. However, I reviewed my options. The only suitable and acceptable one in my world was to just press on by accepting the consequences. The amazing thing is that once I did that, and decided to own my behavior, feelings, and thoughts, the negative power behind the fears disseminated. I had a whole new outlook before me. I felt strength and hope and began picturing how I can show up as a healthy adult in not only that one, but in all my relationships.

That night and the next morning, a transformation happened.  The mostly head knowledge of being loved and cherished by God became heart knowledge. I felt from within His amazing acceptance and love. I describe this as being cherished. I could see myself through new lens. Then this amazing gift of being loved permeated into my being and I could believe that if God loved me through and through, who am I to not believe that? By golly, then I am lovable! I am beautiful! And I am a catch! That is how it came to me…those three sentences. So I have been repeating them several times a day. It is making a difference!

As I meditate on what God has been showing me about His care for me in the details of my life I realize that He has been courting me! He has diligently been giving me all sorts of indications that He has His eye on me…that He finds me irresistible (there is a wink in there I believe). This morning I had the privilege of sharing my experience, strength, and hope around my recent gift – I call it “The Miracle” – and in reviewing it, I see the change in me.

This [knowing that I am cherished by God] is what I've come to realize that recovery is all about. When we are trying to get power, control outcome, obtain something out of our control – these all belong to God – then my life becomes unmanageable. The inner peace marked by serenity comes with the love, acceptance, and worthiness we each have as His creation.  We can’t earn it, lose it, or change it. No one can provide that for me but I can receive it for myself.

Loneliness, Being Alone, Isolation, Withdrawal, Solitude…NOT the Same Thing!

It seems like the last few months I have been on hyper-speed. It has been a bit of work to maintain lane control while so many things have been surfacing, yet there have been monumental breakthroughs. This last weekend, though, an amazing thing happened. The Lane took a turn and unbeknownst to me, a whole new scene appeared and I got to witness such magnificent beauty! The Healing Lane offered absolutely breathtaking views. The views were from within, and they were of me.

I decided to recognize my one year anniversary of being in recovery and the many efforts I've made by attending a workshop. I gave myself this reward. I went to Scottsdale to the Franciscan Renewal Center to be a participant in REAC²H (Restoring Embodied Awareness, Compassion, Connection, and Hope) which is a workshop on mindfulness led by Dr. Jon Caldwell. It was one of those times when God was at work orchestrating what I needed because it couldn't have been a better fit for me right now. I couldn't have scripted it better if I was in charge.

Let me first provide a context. Just a few weeks ago I was struggling with my compulsive urges – wanting to eat, smoke, drink, and spend – and was frustrated with myself. Debra suggested that I spend some time alone allowing myself to “just be”.  Let the thoughts come in, thoughts go out. Feelings in, feelings out. No food, drink, music, journal, or other distraction was to accompany my solitude. Me. Just be with me. She had noted my anxiety about being alone and wondered if I had really allowed myself to feel the loneliness. Her talking about it brought on anxiety. Not a loner. Never have been. So she recommended 10 minutes in a comfortable chair. She acknowledged that I might not make 10 minutes at first. I referred to this exercise as “the loneliness exercise”. I had forgotten that she spoke of mindfulness. My mind had been hijacked with the thought of being alone.

That night I moved right into the assignment, ready to face this fear of feeling and being alone. I settled into my patio chair, noting the time of 8:30pm, My thoughts began... “I’m good to go. Not bad…oh, look at the beautiful mountain. And isn't it rather serene out here…but awfully quiet. And alone. Oh, so alone.” The tears start to flow, increasing in intensity and amount. After a bit of that, I think, that should possibly do it. So I check the time: 8:31pm. I exaggerate not. That is being uncomfortable with myself, and that has been present for most parts of my life. I persevered for three more cycles of the being ok, crying, and then comforting. I did survive for 10 minutes, but I did not enjoy that exercise even those the awareness of this was a gift in itself. That experience was just a little over a month ago.

This past weekend I spent a lot of alone time. I stayed at the Renewal Center by myself. No TV, by the way. I went to a movie with myself. I also learned mindful meditation and the gift of solitude. I found that I can show myself some compassion. I discovered that I am not only ok with myself but that I am actually becoming comfortable in my own skin! On the last day, I wrote “I feel like I have found a new friend in myself.” I put this kind of transformation in the miracle department. That void I have wanted to fill isn't so empty. The me I’d been avoiding is now being welcomed…by me!

I suppose in a lot of ways, this is what I've been seeking all year. I’m not only showing fully function adult behavior but I’m learning my own worthiness and lovability. This change that had been in the works recently hadn't been quite recognized since I’d been so accustomed to my disdain for my failures, my body, and the thoughts that seemed to betray me. However, there were signs…the day before I left for the workshop I had written, “I feel like a bud ready to blossom.” God was indeed at work. That alone was a huge breakthrough! I have not only bloomed, but I can smell the fragrance of the blossom and see that it is beautiful. Now that is some recovery! I can hardly believe I’m even writing this, which is a good reason for me to do just that.

I've contemplated whether I should share this. It seems a little over-the-top and a departure from my usual sharing. I thought on this some more, including the reasons why I write this blog (for insight, reflection, and to chronicle my recovery journey). I endeavor to be authentic and genuine. This posting requires my being just as vulnerable, to dare greatly, and to feel just as deeply as I do when it is raw pain, guilt, shame, or anger. In some ways, I feel even more vulnerable because there seems to be an expectation about sharing the victories and the high notes. Perhaps it has been my exposure to the cynicism of those who are judgmental of those in healthy and happy spaces.  That cynicism, however, I can finally say is not about me. This blog is about me, The Healing Lane, and my journey, which has been a true joy ride this past week.