Marking a Milestone

My Pot Party

September 2014 shall from henceforth be deemed Milestone Month. Initially, it was going to be about turning 50. It’s the marked event that I put in my timeline since June 2010. I just wanted to turn my life around by the time I turned 50. As the time grew closer to September 10, my anxiety increased. I was focusing on the things that I thought needed to be present to have my life “turned around”.  Having noted that I was at an all-time low physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I am not surprised of the disappointment in my physical change. Simply put, I wanted to be thinner. I've taken off 70 pounds; I wanted to be 100 pounds or more off.  But when I reversed the order and thought about the spiritual, emotional, mental, and then physical changes, I was amazed at how much I had turned my life around. I have a sense of satisfaction in what I've done. I am very grateful. My sense of worth is now solid and able to be affirmed from within me, rather than seeking from others to feed that to me. I made a public declaration of this, to honor myself and my work. I see myself as the gift and my life as the celebration.

This month is also marked by some very significant therapy sessions.  I did some empty chair work that placed me in a chair opposite an empty chair but where I could envision my ex-husband seated. I needed to say the things I hadn't said to him when we were married. There was a lot to be said. There was a boatload of anger and pain and shame to be expressed, released, and left on the therapy floor. I spoke and yelled and cried and screamed some. It was quite cathartic. Wow, did that feel good. Following that session, I was a changed woman! Previous attempts to “get angry” particularly in the therapy setting, were less successful. It was if there had been a lock box on going "there". It has taken two years of hard, dedicated work to get to this point. I write about it here to acknowledge the work I've done, and perhaps for others who may read this and need some encouragement.  I'd often wondered if the work is worth it.  I am here to say, “Yes, it is”. I have a freedom that I have wanted for a long time. I am lighter, and a burden has been lifted. Debra said she saw a paradigm shift in me. I resemble that comment. 

Lovely!

During that session and in the group session that followed later that week, it became clear that I had some unresolved trauma.  It was agreed that EMDR would serve me well in this incident. The session that ensued involved facing perhaps the worst memory of my marriage. Doing this was perhaps one of the most difficult things I have done in my life. The pain and shame of that time in my life was so huge that I would get physically ill and emotional every time it was mentioned or recalled. My goal in therapy was to obtain a sense of peace. I wanted to be released from the grip that memory had over me. I have read Peter LeVine’s Waking the Tiger about physical symptoms of unresolved trauma.  During that session, I experienced exactly what he describes in his book – shaking, flailing, and other physical releases of trapped trauma. During this particular EMDR session, my emotions and thoughts would interject their own messages wanting me to stop. Emotionally, it was painful to face this fear and feel what had been locked within me. I also had to resist the thought that this was embarrassing, that I looked ridiculous, and whatever else the mind’s ego wanted to protect. I stayed true to my resolve. Recovery Healthy Sara prevailed again. That tenacious girl fought to get her breakthrough. Powerfully done, and immensely healing! EMDR is one kick-ass method. 

There was an unexpected and beautiful gift to me for this perseverance. I was given a vision of my husband and me. Instead of the pain, shame, and rejection that represented that initial memory, this new image was one of compassion and acceptance. We still held our brokenness as that had not been addressed, but in that space we weren't carrying the fullness of the shame. We were present for one another. It was a lovely image. I have the gift of this in addition to no longer having the bondage to that trauma. Indeed, this is my new truth. I have it to share as I go forth and to any future relationships. And that is that it isn't the absence of problems, it is the presence of compassion, empathy, vulnerability, honesty, genuine affection and love that creates the kind of intimacy I long for. Hell, yes, this is a milestone.  Hell, yes, this is a breakthrough!

P.S...I want to share how I celebrated my birthday, a particularly great idea for one marking a new season in life. I had a Pot Party! OK, I mean, I had a potting party. I asked for new colorful pots for my new colorful plants to adorn the patio that has been reclaimed as my haven. Now when I take time to reflect and enjoy the sanctity of my personal retreat, I am reminded of the party, this special time in my life, and the many people who love me. I have the pleasure of the beauty of the plants and pots themselves, and the knowledge that like those plants that are flourishing, I too am firmly planted, growing, and blossoming.

Beautiful!

Enchanting!

Gorgeous!

Choose Wisely

My recovery week in review…Monday I mustered the courage to face my love addiction by going to a twelve step meeting (followed by an emotional reaction), Tuesday was the airing of the story on EMDR (a lot of compliments for my "daring greatly" efforts), Wednesday was final divorce mediation (good work in getting this done finally, but painful nevertheless), Thursday brought group therapy, step study, a twelve step meeting (let’s just say it was quite a day), Friday was yet another twelve step meeting.  I have exhibited  a lot of vulnerability this week. Perhaps tonight I’m feeling the effects of that. Brené Brown refers to it as the “vulnerability hangover.”  It seems to becoming standard requirement for me these days.  The main point of this for me, is that I am showing up for myself. I am taking risks, showing courage, and heading full-on toward healing and wholeness.

I ask myself, what will that look like anyway? What does wholeness mean? Will I know it when I get there? Do I ever get there? I know for certain that I’m not there now. I still feel broken. I still feel shame for many things, but tonight I am most aware of the feeling of shame for having emotional needs, of asking for those needs to be met, heck, for even wanting to have those needs met. I acknowledge that it sounds absurd, but when I honestly assess my beliefs, there they are, horrifically staring at me; it sounds rather pathetic actually. I say this because I would never deny that my son needs to be loved, to be held, to be cherished. He most certainly has emotional needs, and as his mother I did my best to meet them when he was in my care. Why then, do I feel guilty and shameful for having those same needs? Yes, there is some work still. Old tapes are the worst, aren’t they? They become so ingrained within that it is work to get them changed, or more appropriately to create new ones.

Erma and I talked about the notion of stopping such tapes. Then she suggested that we hit the play button of the NEW tapes. What I think is the best metaphor is to hit the “skip” button. I can’t really help or control that the track of negative beliefs begin, but I can decide whether I will allow it to play in its entirety or to hit the repeat track over and over. Recovery has taught me that I have choices including what to do about my thoughts. I can combat this negativity with some commitment. Those thoughts can be rather sneaky, and I sometimes find myself having entertained a whole series of negative thoughts before my awareness kicks in that I have been in that zone for awhile. The gentle and loving thing I want to do is simply shift my thinking from harm to love. Whew! Easier said than done! This is one reason I write…to put to paper my intentions, to go from wishful to willful. It is not merely about wishing to be different but the willingness and intention to make things different. I choose to shift my unhealthy thoughts to affirming, positive ones.

Ultimately, I see that I have a choice on what to do about my compulsive behaviors. I am still challenged by the thought of being powerless in this addiction (step one) but I do have a choice as to whether I look at this love addiction or just deny/minimize its effects. I choose to seek healing by attending twelve step meetings; it is intentional, difficult; and doable. I see my choice to be a part of the EMDR story and my intention to share my experience so that others may benefit as well.  It was my choice to go to mediation for my divorce, to be considerate and caring through the process and most definitely to not be vengeful, resentful, or harmful. Most notably, I see it is my intention to keep showing up for myself; to see myself beyond the current situation, the current pain and exhaustion from battling the unhealthy thoughts and behaviors. One of the best gifts of twelve step programs is seeing the sober living of those who have gone before me and to see the joy and peace in them.   

The therapy work I have done this past year has really paid off. I continue down The Healing Lane with those tools and the awareness which are invaluable to me as I renew my intention of recovery. I choose health; I choose healing; I choose living and giving. Yes, I shall simply “skip” the  shame tape that keeps wanting to play in its entirety and move to playing the “I am worthy, loveable, and precious” track.  I can hit repeat on that one.

My EMDR Story on PBS

When I started down the Healing Lane many months ago, I had no idea of what I was really embarking upon. After all, how could I? I had spent years on the Road of Dis-Ease, causing physical and emotional harm by trying to numb away the pain that was mounting within me. But as I have shared numerous times, I set out to change things - to redeem my life from the snares of a slow death.  It was into my second year on this path that I actually called it "The Healing Lane" because I had the life-changing events of July 2012, and I wanted to move into a new season and out of the one I had spent in for far too long. 

Part of my therapy has included EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. This has been a very significant part of my healing. I was interviewed in August for a story on Arizona Illustrated Science (PBS series) regarding EMDR therapy. The story aired last night; it is about 6 1/2 minutes of the half hour program. I've gotten good feedback, including very complimentary remarks from Debra (who is the authority and clinician in the story). 

Seeing myself on air -- wrinkles, weight, moles and all -- was a bit difficult. Who really likes to see that much of oneself up close and personal?! I knew I would struggle with this when I agreed to do the story. I put my best face forward and decided it was worth the risk anyway. I am pleased, despite it requiring my working through my self-critique not only of my appearance but what and how I actually communicated. That is just part of putting myself in the public eye, so I'm letting go of a lot of my negative talk, accepting that I did the best I knew and could do. I forget those little quirky things I do, but are rather accepted standard behavior by those who know me. I repeat, "I yam what I yam."  Yes, Sara, keep reminding yourself: Acceptance.  

The story is one of four on the general topic of vision/visual interests; the EMDR piece was the last one aired,  but it was the best story in my opinion! The link below takes you to that segment.

https://originals.azpm.org/p/azill-science/2013/10/22/27872-controversial-treatment-eases-trauma-raises-questions/. 

You will see a written version;  click the play arrow on the picture of me if you want to watch the video. There I go again...I just keep putting myself out there! I guess daring greatly and having a willingness to take risks really are a part of my healing as I work my way along The Healing Lane, with my sights on wholeness, awareness, and forgiveness. Sometimes I'm stumbling along, sometimes drifting, mostly at a steady and devoted pace, but occasionally, sprinting.  I like the thought of being a runner, even if at this point it is only metaphorically speaking. I got the shoes, the matching outfit, and the headband . Incidentally, the headband reads "Never Give Up".