It is All About Showing Up

Many of my posts have been my tooting the horn in favor of being authentic and showing up – essentially stepping into the arena, daring greatly – for oneself. It is a lesson I repeat over and over; it requires courage each and every time. And every time, there is a benefit. For me, it is the opportunity to learn about myself -- sometimes by observing my actions, at other times by another’s reflecting back to me their observations. Sometimes it is just healing. I've faced a fear and conquered it by staring it in the face. There is always a pay-off, though.

The key to showing up is believing in the value of the risk. Showing up means that I don’t medicate, numb, go small, or become self-righteous, transfer, or deflect. It is staying present and allowing the feelings to be expressed. When I show up, sometimes it is in small ways – which are significant indeed – perhaps by staying present when I want to hide or medicate through food or TV. Usually when I talk about showing up, I refer to really stepping into the arena to be as authentic as I know to be. For me, that means being completely honest with whatever is going on with me while not retreating into some form of avoidance. It is often painful. After all, if it was easy there wouldn't be fear, and without fear, there lacks the element of courage. Showing up is intentional.

This topic is heavy on my mind today because it directly speaks to my self-worth. To show up is to be seen, or make myself known. It puts me in a place of potential rejection – one of my chief fears. Showing up is about loving me enough to deal with the tough stuff. Showing up is having trust and hope in the outcome – that I am strong enough to handle even the worst case scenario. For instance, if I share my feelings and thoughts with someone and they do reject those gestures, I do not have to be rejected. I am still of value and worth whether that person affirms it or not.

In dealing with my various forms of compulsivity, I have needed to own up to what feelings I am trying to avoid. A lot of times, heck it seems most of the time, I don’t even have a clue. It takes some detective work. And that in and of itself is showing up! When that sense of discomfort strikes, my reaction is to stuff it (literally with food), go smoke a cigarette, watch tv (mindlessly), become numb in some fashion or what I have discovered lately, to get a high found in the feel-good talk of a relationship (real or imaged). Are any of my behaviors “off the chart”? I really don’t think so.  Erma calls me a high-functioning addict; I acknowledge that. The problem then is that I’m not happy with this behavior; I'm still powerless over the addiction and then my life becomes unmanageable. I have the choice to let this cycle continue in my life, or to do something different. To do different - the context is toward healthy behavior - is to show up. 

I have tasted the sweetness of being authentic and being seen. I like it very much and it is where I find joy because I can have relationships where honesty, openness, and acceptance are the norm. I don’t like the feeling of avoidance. It promotes the self-loathing that I am trying to overcome. Showing up, on the other hand, promotes my self-worth. I am telling myself that no matter what, I am here for myself; I believe in myself, I accept myself and I love myself. This is self-esteem. And that is definitely cruising with my hair down, smile bright and wide, waving hello as I accelerate in The Healing Lane!

Twenty-five Years

I am sitting here, the evening before my 25^th wedding anniversary, and can’t help but feel that I have been cheated out of the dream I had when I stood before the 200+ guests at my wedding. Part of that dream was celebrating my silver wedding anniversary. That is the time when life is supposed to start getting easier, having proven the testing of love and raised the children. In my marriage, we had talked of celebrating with a long-anticipated trip. Instead, we are in the midst of mediating our divorce and closing the books on 25 years of marriage. There is no celebration.

I am angry at not having a marriage that could endure and survive the trials of betrayal and addiction. I am painfully sad that I am now alone and facing this new season as a single person, just when I was preparing for the opportunities that open up when there are no children at home. And now with singleness I am fearful that I do not have the resources to maintain my current lifestyle. Yes, there is an absence of joy. It is a time to grieve my loss and to feel and express these emotions. Divorce is difficult, painful, death, and loss.

I wrestle with reconciling that indeed all these things are valid, and yet, I will still press onward and hold onto the new dream that this next season offers hope beyond what today’s feelings hold. They can co-exist. The devastation of divorce does not last forever. It will not always be this painful, but today it just is. I realize it isn’t missing the person as much as allowing the death of the dream of growing old together; of being together until death do us part. I hadn’t realized that the death that do us part was the death of the marriage. My friend Erma reminded me that although the marriage failed, neither of us are failures. Sometimes it still feels like that, though. This is why I keep pressing onward in The Healing Lane. I have needed to accept that I alone cannot save a marriage. I alone am not responsible for making the marriage work. I alone am not responsible for the success or failure of it.

Sometimes being in The Lane is about acknowledging that I am powerless over the circumstances, yet have complete control over how I handle it. Handling it doesn’t imply that I have to do it perfectly or with a smile or without help. Staying in The Lane can simply be done by being honest and authentic with myself and my emotions and thoughts as they become apparent to me. I am doing just that, partially by sharing them here. It still is my 25^th wedding anniversary whether it is celebrated or not; I need to acknowledge that.

Sometimes it’s the Simple Things

I got a new car a couple of years ago and the key is much larger than those I had used previously. I didn't incorporate the key into my grouping of other keys, which included office keys, home keys, other car keys, and what I've come to realize recently, some keys to which I no longer use. So I've had two sets of keys to juggle: my car keys and my other keys. Yesterday I decided to move my office key and house key from the collection of miscellaneous keys and store fobs to the key ring with my car key. This simple little change has made my life so much easier! Go figure…for nearly two years I have been balancing two sets of keys along with the purse, water bottle, coffee/tea, computer bag, gym bag, food bag, meeting bag(s), and whatever else might be needed. I might be known for having an assortment of bags with me wherever I go.

I’m almost amused, although I’m still in a bit of disbelief that it has taken me so long to take action, that this one simple, less-than-a-minute task could make my life so much easier. I can’t help but chuckle at this image of me balancing all this stuff (ok, I don’t take all of that stuff every day – it is just an example of the many different things I may have) and also the juggling two sets of keys! It is rather absurd when I think about it.

This couldn't be a better metaphor of life in general, could it?! I have a lot of stuff I am toting around. My recovery bag, my nutrition bag, my work bag, my service bag, my family bag, my divorce bag, and the looming household bag.  Yet there I am trying to juggle not two sets of keys, but several sets! There are simple tasks that I could be doing to make my life easier. I am talking the super simple tasks. This is in both the physical realm and emotional realm. I am thinking about the few second efforts to put things away, removing the stuff from my car each night, and tossing out the junk mail the day it arrives. I acknowledge the simple things I am already doing, and so it is not a stretch to add a few more. In fact it could become rather habit forming, almost an application of self-care. 

There are emotional tasks that are simple as well, and yet have the same accumulative effect on me if gone unmonitored and allowed to build. What comes to mind is what I've been learning by allowing a feeling to pass through me. Surprising enough, even some of the most intense feelings last just 30-90 seconds if I just let them pass. Sometimes the simple thing is just to give over the thought and the emotional feeling with it to God – hence, release it. I can also write down the thought or feeling and put it into the God Box, which is to say that I am releasing it completely to God. Or acknowledge it in a journal, send a text, speak to myself or someone else. It is as if those emotional bags just get more and more cumbersome if I don't do some simple releasing. 

Simple tasks, simple lesson, and simply amazing how one key ring can make an impact. It shall remain my reminder that simple things can make a big difference.