My Vision Revisited

Today marks the one year anniversary of The Healing Lane. At the urging of my friends and therapist, I decided to start a blog about my recovery. This is my 60^th post and I am grateful to have this forum to share my thoughts, to journal my story, and to chronicle my recovery. There is something very therapeutic for me in writing this blog. I have often felt the nervousness from being so vulnerable in spite of my willingness to be open and honest about this struggle. I appreciate the comments from friends and followers about the blog, with appreciation for sharing with me when it has provided insight, understanding, or even humor.

Today’s gift came this morning when I got the thought to think of my little Sara as an adult. I felt that God was showing me how to grow this image of myself as this precious little girl into what I would want for her if she were my own daughter. He was asking me to start envisioning what preciousness looks like at age 25, 35, or even 50. This exercise has me considering the potential for redirecting my own energies about myself. In particular, I believe He is showing me how to re-frame the feelings about myself that are buried deep within, yet are powerfully and negatively impacting me.

This inner child work is difficult for me. Debra has been giving me exercises that involve working with the thoughts and feelings of a very young me. We call her little Sara. There is a well of sadness and silence, encasing the depth of her wanting to be accepted, loved, approved, and seen. The adorable blonde, curly-haired, blue-eyed little angel covered up so much of her authentic self in an effort to be loved as she understood it. She took on the adult thoughts around her, suppressing her own childhood desires and I believe without a lot of signs to indicate the coping behavior. She was agreeable, dependable, responsible, happy, and to most adults, the dream child. And she was rewarded for all this good behavior. So what was missing? Temper tantrums and expressions of her needs. I am starting to understand that she didn't want to have needs. She didn't know how to voice wanting them met, and the guilt and shame for having them has permeated her for 40 some odd years. There is no blame; there isn’t any anger about this. I am learning to accept and understand that of no intention, this was how I adapted my behaviors to get the approval, love, and attention I desired. And if I didn't have a boatload of addictive behaviors indicating something is amiss, I wouldn't be dealing with this today. 

This little girl loved life and she was mostly happy. In part, she was loved because she did behave so very well. She didn’t get all she needed, but she got a lot. There are gifts to draw upon. There is strength to muster. There is love to receive and to give. The story continues because I have not given up on her story, which of course is me today. I want to get to the heart and soul of why I do things that are not in my best overall healthy interest.  Like for instance...the marked question that set me on this path..."why did I tolerate the intolerable for 24 years?" 

So when God asked me about my little Sara, there is quite a context of work I’ve been doing in learning to love her, love me, and overcome the pain of today.  What would I want for my little Sara when I see her as an adult? What is the vision I have for little Sara as a fully functioning adult Sara – forgetting that little Sara is now the big Sara of today. Let’s just say I am able to start over…what would I envision her to be like?

Most importantly, I would want her to feel loved. My guess is that we all want that for our children. So of COURSE I want her to know love for herself and from others. I would want her to experience the joy of living and giving. I would want her to feel empowered and enriched by the experiences in and through her environment. I would want her to feel comfortable in her own skin – to accept the flaws, strengths, gifts, warts, beauty, personality, assets, shortcomings, and imperfections that make her who she is. I would want her to know her worth and to make her mark in this world. I want her to ultimately fulfill her purpose in life – the reason God brought her into this world. I would not want her to allow others’ opinions of her to negatively affect her opinion of herself.  I envision confidence, joy, love, peace, acceptance, authentic living. Yes, most definitely, I envision her loving herself and others, and being loved.

To realize that this is what my own mother has wanted for me too is very important. She continues to pray for these very kinds of things, and is willing to do whatever she can to help see this come to pass in my life (and hers). The precious little Sara that I hold in my heart is the Sara that she birthed, held in her arms, and desired for all good and wonderful things to come to her. I have come to understand that those deep needs that still exist from my childhood are  my opportunities. I am able to parent myself and co-parent with God to meet those needs.  

I am starting to grasp that even greater than my own vision or even my mother’s vision for me, is God’s vision for me. How He sees me, how He loves me, and how He is working on my behalf is the real key to acceptance and healing. My spiritual lesson is to receive that.  My battle is to combat the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that go AGAINST this truth.  To continue in the negative images and beliefs is the crux of my unmanageability. It leads me down paths of destruction and pain.

This blog is The Healing Lane. It is about revisiting the past for restoration and redemption. I have gratitude today. It is a cruising day as I often call them, for the recognition of my progress – not perfection – and for where I'm headed. That's the Vision Revisited. 

Facing the Scale

Last week I implemented the “take it one day at a time” recovery plan. I pulled out the Al-Anon poem “Just for Today” and realized that I can refrain from smoking just for today. And so I didn't smoke that day. Nor the next. Nor the next. And today I am still saying "just for today" I won’t smoke. I’m seeing that it is building strength.

So in this newly acquired strength, I decided yesterday morning that I was going to face another area I've been avoiding – my weight. I hadn't weighed myself for three months, so this was very much a step from avoidance toward acceptance. I thought, “Whatever it is, I will just have to deal with it.”  I had a number in my head that I was prepared for, and just prayed it wasn't more than that. So I pulled out the scale and after I got on it, I thought, “Well, great. Now my scale is broken. How am I going to know what I really weigh?” I began conjuring up all sorts of ideas of getting a clear read to see how off my scale was. Then the thought came to me: maybe my scale isn't wrong. Just maybe that is my weight.  I began assessing the situation with more thought as to the fit of my clothes and so on. So I decided that I would accept the verdict: I am 12 pounds less than I thought I was! After all, I was still wearing the same clothes I wore when I knew I weighed that. A big weight gain would likely require a different set of clothes. The facts started to mount in favor of the scale being accurate. Hmmm. How often do I ignore the facts while allowing my thoughts to make up their own reality?

Perhaps a little more reflection on this could provide some insight into why I do what I do. Let me provide a better context for my thinking why I had gained 15 pounds. The last few months have not been easy for me - the last round of divorce dealings, the physical limitations from a sore back and neck, along with an overall emotional constipation all combined to produce this sense of stagnancy in my recovery. I complained about it to Debra on more than one occasion. During this time, I returned to smoking, stopped following the eating plan that I have determined as optimal for my health, and battled with love addiction behaviors. Those responses brought feelings of failure and a defeatist mentality. In addition, by my not maintaining an exercise program, I was all too aware of the shift in my body’s tone and overall feeling. Failure was all too familiar and I was feeling fat. In my mind, I was much heavier than evidently I am, not to ignore that I had indeed gained some weight just not 15 pounds, more like 3 since November. This speaks to the extremes we codependents and addicts often go. I had focused all too much on what I wasn't doing for myself while not acknowledging what I actually was doing on behalf of my recovery health.  I hadn't given up on myself, and I have had some of the toughest battles since starting recovery. 

I can smile at seeing the irony in not believing the scale. There are several gifts in this for me. First up, geez – that’s 12 pounds I don’t have to lose yet again! I don’t have to buy a new scale either.  Even more valuable, is that I was prompted to be more honest with myself in a positive manner. I see this pattern of mine to be willing to look at my mistakes, my part in the failure of my marriage, my shortcomings, my weaknesses and strongholds. It is far more difficult for me to affirm my efforts and acknowledge my accomplishments, my strengths, and my assets. This experience is just one of many that illustrate the need to avoid the extremes but rather be comfortable in that middle area we call “the gray”.  That is where I find acceptance of my weaknesses and strengths; where they coexist and I’m neither more nor less lovable.  I can live with that. It is a nice thought as I set course in some Lane coasting today.

Just for Today

    Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
     Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, “that most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
     Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my luck as it comes, and fit myself to it.
     Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer.  I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
     Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I don’t want to do just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
     Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I won’t find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.
     Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests:  hurry and indecision.
     Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.
     Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

My View from the Shadows

There is a consistent theme to my recovery meditations and feedback this week: assess your progress.  On several occasions I have been asked to think on my life a year ago and then reflect on where I am today. That is Higher Power speaking to me without question. It is time to get current. I recognize that I have not posted on this blog for three months and I must admit I have some guilt over that. It doesn't feel good. This blog is an important tool for my recovery and not using it has not been to my benefit. That in itself isn't very Healing Lane behavior.

The last three months have presented challenges so very different that the previous fifteen when I have been able to describe the pace and feel of clipping along in The Lane. The growth pains, the awareness, the breakthroughs, the new perspectives, and so forth have all been a very real and tangible part of my recovery. I have been able to reflect with honesty and vulnerability my experiences.  Through the ups and downs, I managed to find myself back to that current within the Healing Lane. And then came November.

I wouldn't say today that I left the Lane. However, it feels completely different. I have been looking for the obvious signs of recovery; the obvious feelings of recovering. My biggest struggle was indeed not feeling that I was making progress. There has been a lack of tangible evidence, or so I thought. I likened it to a weight-loss plateau. I have felt a wall, a ceiling, being stagnant.  Meanwhile, some unhealthy behaviors returned. This part isn't’t easy for me, but my commitment to be honest requires that I put this out there. I returned to smoking; I began eating some foods that I normally don’t eat; and I found myself numbing in different ways such as computer games and shopping. However, in my disclosure I will acknowledge that I also finished my weaning of the anti-depressant I’d been taking for 9 ½ years. I began attending additional meetings to help me address my love addiction. I had some on-going neck and back issues (noted correlation) and a cold that lasted for a month. There were holidays and travels and perhaps worth noting, my divorce was finalized.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could easily package up our thoughts, feelings, issues and just plot out our recovery plan? It doesn't work that way. Life just doesn't work that way. And really…when it is all said and done, I don’t think I would want to be so prepared anyway. The unknown is certainly frightening. “What next?!” But it has some appealing aspects, too. If I knew everything that needed to happen, when it should happen, and how to handle it…well, first I’d have some sort of insider deal with God and secondly, I likely wouldn't need all this recovery anyway. Heck, I’d have insight that I currently don’t have and I could use it for all sorts of good. No, the appealing aspect of the unknown is that God has all kinds of ways to teach me how to handle things, and to show me His love for me by handling the things I don’t need to handle. Serenity prayer comes to mind.

Yes, it is pretty much summed up in that prayer. Learning what are the things I am to change, what things are not mine, and the wisdom to know the difference. The important lesson for me is that I am not in charge! I am (still) powerless to the things that belong to God and when I try to behave otherwise my life starts to become unmanageable. The resistance to all that has been going on with me is that I wanted to be in charge. I wanted to feel like I was making progress. I wanted to see improvement and what I eventually began to understand, is that I was trying to earn my own worthiness by doing my recovery “well”. No wonder I wasn't feeling so serene.

During this time I have been wrestling with a lot of old, defeating tapes playing while still holding onto the awareness I've obtained this far and utilizing the tools of recovery available to me. The sense of failure has been a big one. Shame spirals do not promote healing, and I have had to consistently confess that I have allowed negative thoughts to bounce around in my head. The hope I share is that I recognize that I was wrestling – I did not give up, not forfeit, not throw in the towel. I remained in the battle. That recognition and affirmation of my efforts is a very significant change. I can’t wrap it up and present it as nicely or clearly as some of my other lessons and breakthroughs. But it is a biggie. It is the change I have sought.

So it comes back to the basics. Acceptance. Let go and let God. Gratitude. Progress not perfection. I am so thankful for today and for taking the time to reflect on the view from the Lane. It has felt obscured, but sometimes it is shadowy and not quite so scenic. Yet, I recognize, it is still part of the journey and down the Lane I go.

It is All About Showing Up

Many of my posts have been my tooting the horn in favor of being authentic and showing up – essentially stepping into the arena, daring greatly – for oneself. It is a lesson I repeat over and over; it requires courage each and every time. And every time, there is a benefit. For me, it is the opportunity to learn about myself -- sometimes by observing my actions, at other times by another’s reflecting back to me their observations. Sometimes it is just healing. I've faced a fear and conquered it by staring it in the face. There is always a pay-off, though.

The key to showing up is believing in the value of the risk. Showing up means that I don’t medicate, numb, go small, or become self-righteous, transfer, or deflect. It is staying present and allowing the feelings to be expressed. When I show up, sometimes it is in small ways – which are significant indeed – perhaps by staying present when I want to hide or medicate through food or TV. Usually when I talk about showing up, I refer to really stepping into the arena to be as authentic as I know to be. For me, that means being completely honest with whatever is going on with me while not retreating into some form of avoidance. It is often painful. After all, if it was easy there wouldn't be fear, and without fear, there lacks the element of courage. Showing up is intentional.

This topic is heavy on my mind today because it directly speaks to my self-worth. To show up is to be seen, or make myself known. It puts me in a place of potential rejection – one of my chief fears. Showing up is about loving me enough to deal with the tough stuff. Showing up is having trust and hope in the outcome – that I am strong enough to handle even the worst case scenario. For instance, if I share my feelings and thoughts with someone and they do reject those gestures, I do not have to be rejected. I am still of value and worth whether that person affirms it or not.

In dealing with my various forms of compulsivity, I have needed to own up to what feelings I am trying to avoid. A lot of times, heck it seems most of the time, I don’t even have a clue. It takes some detective work. And that in and of itself is showing up! When that sense of discomfort strikes, my reaction is to stuff it (literally with food), go smoke a cigarette, watch tv (mindlessly), become numb in some fashion or what I have discovered lately, to get a high found in the feel-good talk of a relationship (real or imaged). Are any of my behaviors “off the chart”? I really don’t think so.  Erma calls me a high-functioning addict; I acknowledge that. The problem then is that I’m not happy with this behavior; I'm still powerless over the addiction and then my life becomes unmanageable. I have the choice to let this cycle continue in my life, or to do something different. To do different - the context is toward healthy behavior - is to show up. 

I have tasted the sweetness of being authentic and being seen. I like it very much and it is where I find joy because I can have relationships where honesty, openness, and acceptance are the norm. I don’t like the feeling of avoidance. It promotes the self-loathing that I am trying to overcome. Showing up, on the other hand, promotes my self-worth. I am telling myself that no matter what, I am here for myself; I believe in myself, I accept myself and I love myself. This is self-esteem. And that is definitely cruising with my hair down, smile bright and wide, waving hello as I accelerate in The Healing Lane!

Choose Wisely

My recovery week in review…Monday I mustered the courage to face my love addiction by going to a twelve step meeting (followed by an emotional reaction), Tuesday was the airing of the story on EMDR (a lot of compliments for my "daring greatly" efforts), Wednesday was final divorce mediation (good work in getting this done finally, but painful nevertheless), Thursday brought group therapy, step study, a twelve step meeting (let’s just say it was quite a day), Friday was yet another twelve step meeting.  I have exhibited  a lot of vulnerability this week. Perhaps tonight I’m feeling the effects of that. Brené Brown refers to it as the “vulnerability hangover.”  It seems to becoming standard requirement for me these days.  The main point of this for me, is that I am showing up for myself. I am taking risks, showing courage, and heading full-on toward healing and wholeness.

I ask myself, what will that look like anyway? What does wholeness mean? Will I know it when I get there? Do I ever get there? I know for certain that I’m not there now. I still feel broken. I still feel shame for many things, but tonight I am most aware of the feeling of shame for having emotional needs, of asking for those needs to be met, heck, for even wanting to have those needs met. I acknowledge that it sounds absurd, but when I honestly assess my beliefs, there they are, horrifically staring at me; it sounds rather pathetic actually. I say this because I would never deny that my son needs to be loved, to be held, to be cherished. He most certainly has emotional needs, and as his mother I did my best to meet them when he was in my care. Why then, do I feel guilty and shameful for having those same needs? Yes, there is some work still. Old tapes are the worst, aren’t they? They become so ingrained within that it is work to get them changed, or more appropriately to create new ones.

Erma and I talked about the notion of stopping such tapes. Then she suggested that we hit the play button of the NEW tapes. What I think is the best metaphor is to hit the “skip” button. I can’t really help or control that the track of negative beliefs begin, but I can decide whether I will allow it to play in its entirety or to hit the repeat track over and over. Recovery has taught me that I have choices including what to do about my thoughts. I can combat this negativity with some commitment. Those thoughts can be rather sneaky, and I sometimes find myself having entertained a whole series of negative thoughts before my awareness kicks in that I have been in that zone for awhile. The gentle and loving thing I want to do is simply shift my thinking from harm to love. Whew! Easier said than done! This is one reason I write…to put to paper my intentions, to go from wishful to willful. It is not merely about wishing to be different but the willingness and intention to make things different. I choose to shift my unhealthy thoughts to affirming, positive ones.

Ultimately, I see that I have a choice on what to do about my compulsive behaviors. I am still challenged by the thought of being powerless in this addiction (step one) but I do have a choice as to whether I look at this love addiction or just deny/minimize its effects. I choose to seek healing by attending twelve step meetings; it is intentional, difficult; and doable. I see my choice to be a part of the EMDR story and my intention to share my experience so that others may benefit as well.  It was my choice to go to mediation for my divorce, to be considerate and caring through the process and most definitely to not be vengeful, resentful, or harmful. Most notably, I see it is my intention to keep showing up for myself; to see myself beyond the current situation, the current pain and exhaustion from battling the unhealthy thoughts and behaviors. One of the best gifts of twelve step programs is seeing the sober living of those who have gone before me and to see the joy and peace in them.   

The therapy work I have done this past year has really paid off. I continue down The Healing Lane with those tools and the awareness which are invaluable to me as I renew my intention of recovery. I choose health; I choose healing; I choose living and giving. Yes, I shall simply “skip” the  shame tape that keeps wanting to play in its entirety and move to playing the “I am worthy, loveable, and precious” track.  I can hit repeat on that one.

My EMDR Story on PBS

When I started down the Healing Lane many months ago, I had no idea of what I was really embarking upon. After all, how could I? I had spent years on the Road of Dis-Ease, causing physical and emotional harm by trying to numb away the pain that was mounting within me. But as I have shared numerous times, I set out to change things - to redeem my life from the snares of a slow death.  It was into my second year on this path that I actually called it "The Healing Lane" because I had the life-changing events of July 2012, and I wanted to move into a new season and out of the one I had spent in for far too long. 

Part of my therapy has included EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. This has been a very significant part of my healing. I was interviewed in August for a story on Arizona Illustrated Science (PBS series) regarding EMDR therapy. The story aired last night; it is about 6 1/2 minutes of the half hour program. I've gotten good feedback, including very complimentary remarks from Debra (who is the authority and clinician in the story). 

Seeing myself on air -- wrinkles, weight, moles and all -- was a bit difficult. Who really likes to see that much of oneself up close and personal?! I knew I would struggle with this when I agreed to do the story. I put my best face forward and decided it was worth the risk anyway. I am pleased, despite it requiring my working through my self-critique not only of my appearance but what and how I actually communicated. That is just part of putting myself in the public eye, so I'm letting go of a lot of my negative talk, accepting that I did the best I knew and could do. I forget those little quirky things I do, but are rather accepted standard behavior by those who know me. I repeat, "I yam what I yam."  Yes, Sara, keep reminding yourself: Acceptance.  

The story is one of four on the general topic of vision/visual interests; the EMDR piece was the last one aired,  but it was the best story in my opinion! The link below takes you to that segment.

https://originals.azpm.org/p/azill-science/2013/10/22/27872-controversial-treatment-eases-trauma-raises-questions/. 

You will see a written version;  click the play arrow on the picture of me if you want to watch the video. There I go again...I just keep putting myself out there! I guess daring greatly and having a willingness to take risks really are a part of my healing as I work my way along The Healing Lane, with my sights on wholeness, awareness, and forgiveness. Sometimes I'm stumbling along, sometimes drifting, mostly at a steady and devoted pace, but occasionally, sprinting.  I like the thought of being a runner, even if at this point it is only metaphorically speaking. I got the shoes, the matching outfit, and the headband . Incidentally, the headband reads "Never Give Up".  

So That’s a Containment Boundary!

I have believed for most of my life that “I am too much.” This was told to me when I was younger, and more directly as a teen, and then frequently by my soon-to-be-ex-husband. I suppose that the term “too much” applies to a lot of things. I took it to mean, that I – my being, my soul, my needs, my personality, me-being-me – was too much for people to like, and therefor to be loved I needed to just scale back. Essentially, I couldn't be the all-out “me” and be loved.

I have been addressing this belief, and had some significant breakthroughs in this area. I’m glad to say that I am embracing the idea that I am OK, and that indeed I am not too much. That I am OK the way I was created to be; that my high-spirited, live-out-loud, expressive, sensual, emotional, analytical self is just who I am. In my quest to be authentic and genuinely the person God created me to be, I am finally accepting that there is a reason that I am made the way I am.

Today it occurred to me that what is really meant by “too much” isn't that there is something wrong with me – implying I am defective, eliciting shame – but that some of my behavior relates more to a containment boundary. If I am behaving loudly, for instance, and someone asks me to tone it down, it just means that my behavior may be offensive or that my behavior is undesirable. I am not undesirable or unlovable. My tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve – that is to be expressly emotional with my feelings – is uncomfortable for some people. In these cases, my way of behaving may be “too much” for them. I can accept that this is not about me, but about them. I can accept that some like it one way and some like it another. I do not have to “change” in order to be loved. I can choose whether I want to contain my behaviors in order to respect the boundaries of others. That is my choice, and it is about loving myself and accepting that I am the way I am. However, I can love others by containing my behavior which does affect others. 

Containment is about recognizing my choices. I may choose to respect another’s request or boundaries by modifying my behavior. Not because I am defective, but because of my desire to be loving and respectful. A request doesn't mean I have to honor it; it doesn't mean that I am unworthy, unlovable, broken, or any of the shame labels I have given myself in the past. A request is simply that: a request. A judgment, preference, or indifference over behavior is not equal to judging, preferring, or rejecting the person. This realization is a rather significant “a-ha” moment for me because I haven’t gotten this until now! Out of respect for myself and/or others I may choose to remove myself rather than contain myself in a way that is disingenuous or feels unauthentic. This is a perfectly reasonable option. That just occurred to me! It is simply another choice.

Telling me “You’re too much” was translated to “I’m not right; I’m not good enough; I can’t be loved the way I am, so in order to be loved I must change who I am.” Just how does one go about changing who we are anyway? My solution was to hide, to minimize my needs and the pain of feeling rejected, to turn on myself by believing I was defective, to medicate, and ultimately not be the “real me” to the world. Oh, there were glimpses, there were times when my inhibitions were let loose. There were those people that embraced my larger-than-life ways. Thank God for those times. Thank God for those people who loved me in spite of myself. But over time, by-and-large, I just became less and less of myself -- essentially shrinking on the inside, while getting larger and larger on the outside.

Fifteen months into therapy and recovery, and I’m seeing some Healing Lane victory laps! It is still such a day-to-day challenge. I feel up one and down the next. It seems there is no shortage of issues to address, emotions to reconcile, issues to process. Ah, but isn't that always the case? I’m still rather new at this, but I’m starting to flow in this whole “awareness” thing. I’m starting to figure this out on my own, or so I hope. This containment revelation is so new (I did say "today" by the way) it hasn't passed the Debra session yet. It appears I’m getting rather confident in myself.  Whew! That says a lot in and of itself! With that, it sounds like I’m tooting my own horn, which is of course, while cruising along, windows down, enjoying the ride through The Healing Lane. Today has been a great day! Full moon Saturday night, here I am (too much, ya think?)!!