It is All About Showing Up

Many of my posts have been my tooting the horn in favor of being authentic and showing up – essentially stepping into the arena, daring greatly – for oneself. It is a lesson I repeat over and over; it requires courage each and every time. And every time, there is a benefit. For me, it is the opportunity to learn about myself -- sometimes by observing my actions, at other times by another’s reflecting back to me their observations. Sometimes it is just healing. I've faced a fear and conquered it by staring it in the face. There is always a pay-off, though.

The key to showing up is believing in the value of the risk. Showing up means that I don’t medicate, numb, go small, or become self-righteous, transfer, or deflect. It is staying present and allowing the feelings to be expressed. When I show up, sometimes it is in small ways – which are significant indeed – perhaps by staying present when I want to hide or medicate through food or TV. Usually when I talk about showing up, I refer to really stepping into the arena to be as authentic as I know to be. For me, that means being completely honest with whatever is going on with me while not retreating into some form of avoidance. It is often painful. After all, if it was easy there wouldn't be fear, and without fear, there lacks the element of courage. Showing up is intentional.

This topic is heavy on my mind today because it directly speaks to my self-worth. To show up is to be seen, or make myself known. It puts me in a place of potential rejection – one of my chief fears. Showing up is about loving me enough to deal with the tough stuff. Showing up is having trust and hope in the outcome – that I am strong enough to handle even the worst case scenario. For instance, if I share my feelings and thoughts with someone and they do reject those gestures, I do not have to be rejected. I am still of value and worth whether that person affirms it or not.

In dealing with my various forms of compulsivity, I have needed to own up to what feelings I am trying to avoid. A lot of times, heck it seems most of the time, I don’t even have a clue. It takes some detective work. And that in and of itself is showing up! When that sense of discomfort strikes, my reaction is to stuff it (literally with food), go smoke a cigarette, watch tv (mindlessly), become numb in some fashion or what I have discovered lately, to get a high found in the feel-good talk of a relationship (real or imaged). Are any of my behaviors “off the chart”? I really don’t think so.  Erma calls me a high-functioning addict; I acknowledge that. The problem then is that I’m not happy with this behavior; I'm still powerless over the addiction and then my life becomes unmanageable. I have the choice to let this cycle continue in my life, or to do something different. To do different - the context is toward healthy behavior - is to show up. 

I have tasted the sweetness of being authentic and being seen. I like it very much and it is where I find joy because I can have relationships where honesty, openness, and acceptance are the norm. I don’t like the feeling of avoidance. It promotes the self-loathing that I am trying to overcome. Showing up, on the other hand, promotes my self-worth. I am telling myself that no matter what, I am here for myself; I believe in myself, I accept myself and I love myself. This is self-esteem. And that is definitely cruising with my hair down, smile bright and wide, waving hello as I accelerate in The Healing Lane!

Choose Wisely

My recovery week in review…Monday I mustered the courage to face my love addiction by going to a twelve step meeting (followed by an emotional reaction), Tuesday was the airing of the story on EMDR (a lot of compliments for my "daring greatly" efforts), Wednesday was final divorce mediation (good work in getting this done finally, but painful nevertheless), Thursday brought group therapy, step study, a twelve step meeting (let’s just say it was quite a day), Friday was yet another twelve step meeting.  I have exhibited  a lot of vulnerability this week. Perhaps tonight I’m feeling the effects of that. Brené Brown refers to it as the “vulnerability hangover.”  It seems to becoming standard requirement for me these days.  The main point of this for me, is that I am showing up for myself. I am taking risks, showing courage, and heading full-on toward healing and wholeness.

I ask myself, what will that look like anyway? What does wholeness mean? Will I know it when I get there? Do I ever get there? I know for certain that I’m not there now. I still feel broken. I still feel shame for many things, but tonight I am most aware of the feeling of shame for having emotional needs, of asking for those needs to be met, heck, for even wanting to have those needs met. I acknowledge that it sounds absurd, but when I honestly assess my beliefs, there they are, horrifically staring at me; it sounds rather pathetic actually. I say this because I would never deny that my son needs to be loved, to be held, to be cherished. He most certainly has emotional needs, and as his mother I did my best to meet them when he was in my care. Why then, do I feel guilty and shameful for having those same needs? Yes, there is some work still. Old tapes are the worst, aren’t they? They become so ingrained within that it is work to get them changed, or more appropriately to create new ones.

Erma and I talked about the notion of stopping such tapes. Then she suggested that we hit the play button of the NEW tapes. What I think is the best metaphor is to hit the “skip” button. I can’t really help or control that the track of negative beliefs begin, but I can decide whether I will allow it to play in its entirety or to hit the repeat track over and over. Recovery has taught me that I have choices including what to do about my thoughts. I can combat this negativity with some commitment. Those thoughts can be rather sneaky, and I sometimes find myself having entertained a whole series of negative thoughts before my awareness kicks in that I have been in that zone for awhile. The gentle and loving thing I want to do is simply shift my thinking from harm to love. Whew! Easier said than done! This is one reason I write…to put to paper my intentions, to go from wishful to willful. It is not merely about wishing to be different but the willingness and intention to make things different. I choose to shift my unhealthy thoughts to affirming, positive ones.

Ultimately, I see that I have a choice on what to do about my compulsive behaviors. I am still challenged by the thought of being powerless in this addiction (step one) but I do have a choice as to whether I look at this love addiction or just deny/minimize its effects. I choose to seek healing by attending twelve step meetings; it is intentional, difficult; and doable. I see my choice to be a part of the EMDR story and my intention to share my experience so that others may benefit as well.  It was my choice to go to mediation for my divorce, to be considerate and caring through the process and most definitely to not be vengeful, resentful, or harmful. Most notably, I see it is my intention to keep showing up for myself; to see myself beyond the current situation, the current pain and exhaustion from battling the unhealthy thoughts and behaviors. One of the best gifts of twelve step programs is seeing the sober living of those who have gone before me and to see the joy and peace in them.   

The therapy work I have done this past year has really paid off. I continue down The Healing Lane with those tools and the awareness which are invaluable to me as I renew my intention of recovery. I choose health; I choose healing; I choose living and giving. Yes, I shall simply “skip” the  shame tape that keeps wanting to play in its entirety and move to playing the “I am worthy, loveable, and precious” track.  I can hit repeat on that one.

My EMDR Story on PBS

When I started down the Healing Lane many months ago, I had no idea of what I was really embarking upon. After all, how could I? I had spent years on the Road of Dis-Ease, causing physical and emotional harm by trying to numb away the pain that was mounting within me. But as I have shared numerous times, I set out to change things - to redeem my life from the snares of a slow death.  It was into my second year on this path that I actually called it "The Healing Lane" because I had the life-changing events of July 2012, and I wanted to move into a new season and out of the one I had spent in for far too long. 

Part of my therapy has included EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. This has been a very significant part of my healing. I was interviewed in August for a story on Arizona Illustrated Science (PBS series) regarding EMDR therapy. The story aired last night; it is about 6 1/2 minutes of the half hour program. I've gotten good feedback, including very complimentary remarks from Debra (who is the authority and clinician in the story). 

Seeing myself on air -- wrinkles, weight, moles and all -- was a bit difficult. Who really likes to see that much of oneself up close and personal?! I knew I would struggle with this when I agreed to do the story. I put my best face forward and decided it was worth the risk anyway. I am pleased, despite it requiring my working through my self-critique not only of my appearance but what and how I actually communicated. That is just part of putting myself in the public eye, so I'm letting go of a lot of my negative talk, accepting that I did the best I knew and could do. I forget those little quirky things I do, but are rather accepted standard behavior by those who know me. I repeat, "I yam what I yam."  Yes, Sara, keep reminding yourself: Acceptance.  

The story is one of four on the general topic of vision/visual interests; the EMDR piece was the last one aired,  but it was the best story in my opinion! The link below takes you to that segment.

https://originals.azpm.org/p/azill-science/2013/10/22/27872-controversial-treatment-eases-trauma-raises-questions/. 

You will see a written version;  click the play arrow on the picture of me if you want to watch the video. There I go again...I just keep putting myself out there! I guess daring greatly and having a willingness to take risks really are a part of my healing as I work my way along The Healing Lane, with my sights on wholeness, awareness, and forgiveness. Sometimes I'm stumbling along, sometimes drifting, mostly at a steady and devoted pace, but occasionally, sprinting.  I like the thought of being a runner, even if at this point it is only metaphorically speaking. I got the shoes, the matching outfit, and the headband . Incidentally, the headband reads "Never Give Up".  

So That’s a Containment Boundary!

I have believed for most of my life that “I am too much.” This was told to me when I was younger, and more directly as a teen, and then frequently by my soon-to-be-ex-husband. I suppose that the term “too much” applies to a lot of things. I took it to mean, that I – my being, my soul, my needs, my personality, me-being-me – was too much for people to like, and therefor to be loved I needed to just scale back. Essentially, I couldn't be the all-out “me” and be loved.

I have been addressing this belief, and had some significant breakthroughs in this area. I’m glad to say that I am embracing the idea that I am OK, and that indeed I am not too much. That I am OK the way I was created to be; that my high-spirited, live-out-loud, expressive, sensual, emotional, analytical self is just who I am. In my quest to be authentic and genuinely the person God created me to be, I am finally accepting that there is a reason that I am made the way I am.

Today it occurred to me that what is really meant by “too much” isn't that there is something wrong with me – implying I am defective, eliciting shame – but that some of my behavior relates more to a containment boundary. If I am behaving loudly, for instance, and someone asks me to tone it down, it just means that my behavior may be offensive or that my behavior is undesirable. I am not undesirable or unlovable. My tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve – that is to be expressly emotional with my feelings – is uncomfortable for some people. In these cases, my way of behaving may be “too much” for them. I can accept that this is not about me, but about them. I can accept that some like it one way and some like it another. I do not have to “change” in order to be loved. I can choose whether I want to contain my behaviors in order to respect the boundaries of others. That is my choice, and it is about loving myself and accepting that I am the way I am. However, I can love others by containing my behavior which does affect others. 

Containment is about recognizing my choices. I may choose to respect another’s request or boundaries by modifying my behavior. Not because I am defective, but because of my desire to be loving and respectful. A request doesn't mean I have to honor it; it doesn't mean that I am unworthy, unlovable, broken, or any of the shame labels I have given myself in the past. A request is simply that: a request. A judgment, preference, or indifference over behavior is not equal to judging, preferring, or rejecting the person. This realization is a rather significant “a-ha” moment for me because I haven’t gotten this until now! Out of respect for myself and/or others I may choose to remove myself rather than contain myself in a way that is disingenuous or feels unauthentic. This is a perfectly reasonable option. That just occurred to me! It is simply another choice.

Telling me “You’re too much” was translated to “I’m not right; I’m not good enough; I can’t be loved the way I am, so in order to be loved I must change who I am.” Just how does one go about changing who we are anyway? My solution was to hide, to minimize my needs and the pain of feeling rejected, to turn on myself by believing I was defective, to medicate, and ultimately not be the “real me” to the world. Oh, there were glimpses, there were times when my inhibitions were let loose. There were those people that embraced my larger-than-life ways. Thank God for those times. Thank God for those people who loved me in spite of myself. But over time, by-and-large, I just became less and less of myself -- essentially shrinking on the inside, while getting larger and larger on the outside.

Fifteen months into therapy and recovery, and I’m seeing some Healing Lane victory laps! It is still such a day-to-day challenge. I feel up one and down the next. It seems there is no shortage of issues to address, emotions to reconcile, issues to process. Ah, but isn't that always the case? I’m still rather new at this, but I’m starting to flow in this whole “awareness” thing. I’m starting to figure this out on my own, or so I hope. This containment revelation is so new (I did say "today" by the way) it hasn't passed the Debra session yet. It appears I’m getting rather confident in myself.  Whew! That says a lot in and of itself! With that, it sounds like I’m tooting my own horn, which is of course, while cruising along, windows down, enjoying the ride through The Healing Lane. Today has been a great day! Full moon Saturday night, here I am (too much, ya think?)!!