Damnit, I’m Angry

Does anger imply unforgiveness? This morning I think I have uncovered a belief that might be part of my obstacle with expressing anger, coming from my discomfort of having anger to begin with. I want to be healthy with my feelings and emotions, allowing myself to feel anger rather than default to pain and crying.  Interrupting that cycle is not easy, but I’m willing to do what I need to do to get to the other side of this.

I wasn’t overjoyed over my assignment to list the things that I am angry about concerning my brother David, but I did embrace the possibility that I could get clarity and become released from the pain cycle I experience so regularly. I shared with my mother some of the things that were discussed at therapy yesterday, in particular about the relationship with David and my struggle with anger. She brought up that I needed to forgive and be released from the resentment (something along those lines). Now I’m experiencing something that I hadn't anticipated – anger over not being allowed to have my anger without something else attached to it. Right now, I have this sense that I have to be justified in my anger: that anger is bad unless there is something righteous about it. I am feeling defensive about having anger, yet wanting to express it. Even further, I am aware of wanting to be validated for the work around anger and how difficult it has been for me to do this. There is a lot of young Sara in this, I see.

The interesting part is how this issue of anger has tapped into an anger source. Why do I feel so compelled to dismiss my anger? Why do I not feel comfortable being angry? Why does forgiveness have to be attached to my anger? Can’t I just be angry without being offended and resentful and justified? I am angry that the issue of anger was so huge that I couldn't (wouldn't?) be angry for myself. Instead, it was expected that I be compliant, respectful, helpful, agreeable, pleasant, happy, trusting, dependable. There wasn't any room for anger. I've bought into this thinking, or perhaps I created it. I just know that being angry doesn't come easily unless it is in defense of someone else. Then it comes rather quickly.

So today I press inward with intention and tenacity to feel what I don’t want to feel. I strap on my recovery cloak and mentally go to places that are difficult to remember. I do this because I love myself enough to believe there is a happier life on the other side of this pain. I trust the process even though I want to run, hide, medicate, and otherwise become numb to all of this. I grow tired of this work but I continue on with determination.

I think I was the “hero” of the family. I recall being asked about the roles we each take on in our family of origin. It just seems apparent that as the middle child, the girl, the compliant one, the pleaser…I was the hero (rather than the clown, the scapegoat, etc). So when I hear in my head, “Sara, what’s your problem? You don’t have to be so angry about it.” I wonder what was that about? What am I really feeling? Where do I go with that anger?

When Eric felt anger, he got angry. Or least he did often enough that I remember it very vividly. When he was done being angry he reappeared in his charming manner, quickly returning to the family fold most notably to my mother’s good graces. His anger was attributed to his maleness and his genealogy. When I got angry, it wasn't the same. I felt the disapproval which usually resulted in my going to my room, crying, and feeling alone as if I had done something wrong, ushering in guilt and shame.

I’m being told that I need to feel my anger, yet it is so hard to access. And when I do, it is deeply painful. Attached to experiencing that painful anger is the fear of what happens when I do, meaning I associate there being rejection, loneliness, guilt, and shame. So that pretty much covers it…anger carries with it all of the other feelings: pain, fear, loneliness, guilt, shame.

I think I have to be with this for a while. Fortunately, The Healing Lane offers some good views and some helpful tools. 

Healing Destination Ahead

Last night I went to bed feeling unsettled, anxious, and somewhat troubled. I have been facing some old stuff with my marriage.  It started surfacing a couple of weeks ago, and it seems to be gaining intensity.  With all my tools, I’m still feeling less than equipped to handle this. Before falling asleep, I said a prayer to lighten my heaviness, knowing I just needed to give it to God.

Interestingly, I had had a most bizarre dream that is so metaphorical that I wanted to share it. It is amazing to me how the spiritual world interacts with our mental and physical limitations to communicate to us valuable information.  The gift of this dream is the peace that I received from knowing God had heard my prayer, and the reminder that I am not alone. I believe my dream is a response to that prayer.

In the dream I was preparing for a long-term trip toward a destination that I believe I referred to as “home”. I had my car packed and was moving down my lane (shall I assume it is The Lane?!) toward this desired destination and feeling very content.  At some point, this path became underwater and I was no longer on the road, but in the midst of a massive lake. I was no longer in the car, recognizing that the lake required something different.  For a moment there was panic on the awareness of not recognizing that the road had ended and for no longer having access to the vehicle to get me to my destination. I felt very alone, and very much wanted rescued.  I looked for help, for the potential for help, and could only see water. In assessing my options, I realized that I was going to need to move toward land. I decided to swim forward in the direction of the destination rather than turn around. I began swimming and was surprised to find out that I found a rhythm to my swimming all the while comforting Little Sara who was with me. There was a peace about me that I could continue, even a welcoming sense of serenity as I felt the water support me. I no longer had thoughts of being rescued but in the present peace of having come to my own rescue and realizing I had strength and abilities I had not known.

Once again, I was taken somewhat by surprise in this peaceful state to having reached a massive bridge-like structure. As in many dreams, it isn't easy to describe what seems so real and obvious in a dream. This structure appeared rather unexpectedly, providing me with a solid footing. I was now grounded and aware that this was more like a station where travelers were in transition. It provided not only safety, but a whole infrastructure to others who were also arriving, leaving, getting refuge, and connecting with others. It became clear that I would likely find a ride to my destination. I observed others also needing assistance. Some were not asking for help, just sitting rather solemnly alone. Others were desperate for help, and others were gathered in a logical place where those offering assistance could connect with those wanting it. I found this place, and it is there that the dream ended.

Upon waking, I remember thinking that the dream was just odd, and it provided more of a vague sensation of confusion than anything else. I then got the thought that there was more to this dream, and I began to feel some encouragement. As I started to write out the dream, I got clarity about the metaphors. The destination is my destiny where I will have found healing, authentic living, and purpose. This journey of mine is indeed about that destination, and the path to get there. It began in preparation and having a reliable car – which I decided is Debra, my therapist. The contentment is the result of the work I've done both in therapy and in recovery.  The path doesn't end abruptly, but I will find myself in a new place, much like finding myself in the lake. I related to this as my powerlessness over my circumstances but quickly finding acceptance of my choices and limitations.  I very much relate to that feeling of being overwhelmed, in a place I didn't know how I got here, and with the uncertainly of what to do to change my circumstances. The cliché of “sink or swim” was rather literal in this dream. I have gratitude to see that I chose to swim. I’m even more pleased to see that I had strength to do things I didn't know that I could do!

The massive bridge/infrastructure is God (Higher Power). It is rather comforting to see this place of refuge, connection, and support.  It is interesting to see that God is representative not in a single entity but in a complex, multi-dimensional collection of structures. It was like a hub of activity.  Those that I saw who just remained alone, not seeking help, represent those wounded and hurt souls who are still accepted and loved by God. I see that there is a responsibility to respond to God’s love and provision. Finally, those who were willing to offer rides are those in recovery such as sponsors who are offer help to those who want it.

It’s an interesting take on The Healing Lane. I can’t take any credit for this, I just record it as a part of my journey, and rest in the gratitude for the gift that it is.

Speaking with Intentionality: Details on The Sara Canvas

Last week I had a surprisingly difficult day emotionally. I felt challenged in oddly old familiar ways that I did not care to revisit. A brief return of old thoughts about not being and doing enough, of not performing well, of the slow pace of recovery encroached on my bliss.  To counteract this, I reminded myself that I have done a lot this past year and of progress I’d made toward healthy living. It occurred to me that having this blog allows me to actually look at my progress by just reading what I had written about a year ago. I was wonderfully rewarded with a post from March 18, 2013, a year ago to the date of my troubled day. The posting is called “The Sara Canvas”. It is about my vision of myself as I entered into this new season of my life. This segment in particular was helpful:

This Sara canvas will have some richness to it. I see the woman who has overcome a lot, but the overriding victory is the absence of addictive behaviors. I have been imagining what it is like to live in contentment and to not be drawn to eating or smoking to fill a void or to avoid feeling pain. This contrasts previous dreams of being thin or being “happy”. This canvas has more depth because it is about an inside job. I believe I will be thin, too, but the real transformation is within. This is because this Sara has grown up and is now a FFA (my short for fully functioning adult), and enjoys the benefits of healthy adulthood. She relates from a place of worthiness; she makes decisions from a place of wholeness and maturity; she exhibits appropriate vulnerability. Her emotions are freely shared, but contained for her sake and others. She is ok with herself and being single, but is an excellent companion as well.

I can hardly describe what I felt as I read these words and realized for the most part, that they had or are coming true. The work has been paying off, and I am living the rewards of showing up for myself.

A dear friend has suggested that I again put to pen with intentionality what is ahead. I see the power in this because after I wrote about my vision, I didn’t rehearse and refer back to it. I didn't focus on this but I received it into my soul and spirit, where it lived.

I reflect tonight about my present situation. I am finishing up a three week weight loss program, wearing jeans that I haven’t worn in the last year. I feel love and acceptance, have self-esteem, can identify a peace within. Life is very good. What does better, or more appropriately, what does healthier look like? I return to my canvas to add details.

This Sara has continued to grow inwardly, building on the confidence, love, self-esteem, and self-compassion she now has. She has continued to work on the wounds that manifested in the mounds of fat. With each pound shed, a parallel weight of shame, pain, and anger has also been released. This has allowed the authentic, confident Sara to emerge. She no longer hides behind the weight, but allows her light to shine becoming attractive to those around her. She is becoming more accustomed to people’s compliments, and is aware of no longer needing others’ assurance and approval to feel loved, but can receive such compliments with humility. Singleness has also become comfortable because she likes who she is and enjoys her solitude, her home, and her relationships. This Sara is aware of the necessity to hold healthy boundaries in dating, which by the way, she thoroughly and readily enjoys. She has learned how to manage her home and her finances, putting those fears of insecurity at bay. Enjoying abundant health in her mind, body, soul, and spirit, Sara has come to understand this word serenity.  With gratitude and joy, her love for others is a motivator in sharing her recovery all-the-while knowing this is critical for working and maintaining it. At 50, this Sara knows that the best is still ahead, seeing opportunity and possibility in nearly every situation. She seeks discernment as to which ones are for her to pursue since her interests are wide and deep, having learned to embrace this live-out-loud life that has been her destiny. 

A Walk in the Park

Some weeks ago I declared an all-out commitment to myself to get to the core of my emotional health issues. I had wanted to start dating to help with the loneliness of being single. Newly divorced, I felt the freedom to pursue romance in my life. The problem became apparent that the kind of man I would attract would likely be in a similar healthy state as I.  That was not going to be good enough.  I also recognized the root of the issue was my own sense of unworthiness due to low self-esteem. I recognized in my intellect that I should and wanted to feel both worth and acceptance of myself, I just didn't. This was evidenced in my behavior to seek approval and acceptance from others, not being able to provide that for myself.

I recall getting indignant with myself, and saying with gritted teeth that I would do whatever needed to be done to get to that place. I was willing to expose and feel whatever was hidden in those recesses of my heart and mind in order to obtain the peace and serenity I longed for. I also remember saying that I knew this would take all of my will, strength, courage, and faith to stay on this path. In comparison, the work of weight loss would be like “a walk in the park”.  I had always equated my weight loss journey as the most challenging thing in my life, and in many ways it is because at the heart of weight loss is the reason why I have overeaten, mindlessly eaten, and eaten whatever I wanted regardless of its nutritional value. Hence, it is an important area of my addictive behaviors that has needed healing. I’m pretty sure I started turning to food for comfort at age three; that's pretty core stuff.

As I've shared in recent posts, I have gotten my miracle and experienced an amazing spiritual awakening (reference step twelve)! I feel God’s love for me in a such an encompassing way that it permeates into my very soul, filling me with acceptance, self-love, resulting in self-esteem. Everything shifted when that miracle happened (February 15, btw). Everything. I am not consumed with dating or men or my future. I don't need to perform or seek approval because I have it already. I don't need others to esteem me because I esteem myself. Having accepted myself just as I am, I have returned to the weight loss issues with a different sense of self. Instead of despair, desperation, guilt, or shame prompting me to lose weight, it is self-love. Because I love myself, I have been able to ask myself what I really want.  I can be honest and acknowledge that my whole self wants a health in all areas, including my body. So on March 5, I said, “it’s time for a walk in the park.” I started a 23-day somewhat radical weight loss plan, laid down the cigarette smoking once again (but with compassion for myself), and said a prayer asking God for help.

Mostly, it has been a steadfast effort of planning and acceptance of my limited choices. I've had some withdrawal issues, and some of the emotions that I have stuffed or puffed “away” (buried) have surfaced. I have not felt deprived or resentful or a victim, though. I am aware of my choices and I am just working on maintaining the course ahead of me. The joy of my new found acceptance and love has been sustaining me, mostly. There are struggles, but compared to previous efforts and compared to the recovery work I've been doing…it is like a walk in the park!

Today, I went to Tubac with family and friends. We shopped a bit, and I found different items at shops that I was tempted to buy. Each time, I got this prompting to put the items back on the shelf as there just might be something at the next shop.  There is a wonderful boutique called “Lily’s” that my mother really wanted to see. I could see why when I went inside. There were a lot of things that caught my eye, but I became suddenly drawn to a painting behind the counter. I soon learned the story behind the painting. It is of a stream and a walkway from a park in Kansas City. Having grown up in Iowa, I especially appreciated the familiar beauty in the picture. The artist, Lyle Collister, told me that she would take walks there as a child with her father and that she had such fond memories of that. The original name of the painting was Paradise, but she had renamed it A Walk in the Park. Imagine that. 

It became clear to me that this painting was for me. I knew my God, whom I call Father, was telling me that we were on this “walk in the park” together and that I was not alone during my journey (including my renewed commitment to weight loss; I have lost 70 pounds and want to lose 80 more).  I find peace and serenity in this picture, and it represents a safe place for me. It’s not only the picture itself, but the story behind the picture, and how the details came together for my edification and blessing. It is a reminder of His love for me by showing me in such personal ways that He is real and caring. I have shared this story a few times today; I tear up every time. I sit here as I finish this post and I am in amazement, humility, and peace.  My thought tonight is that I shall pull over to the side of the Lane to take time to appreciate, to soak in this love and feel that connection with the One Who Loves Me. 

A Walk in the Park by Lyle Collister

Am I OK with Myself Right Now?

I got this from my friend Erma this morning. She references our talk which followed my having experienced a paradigm shift during my therapy session.

Good morning! As you were talking yesterday, I wanted to shout out, "Wow, Sara, you're already losing lots of weight. I can hear you; you look so much lighter already." The image I saw was you walking over to the scale in your home, and then you standing on it and you were really pleased to see what it said. But it wasn't numbers. It was a message about the fact that you had lost burdens, thoughts, opinions, everything that has been weighing you down and that you were in fact much lighter now. You had lost a lot of weight by letting go of all the things that were not yours to carry. Your composure was serene and content with a small nod of gratitude. It was amazing! And so are you, my friend!

That’s the realization…that I am actually OK with myself right now. I actually love who I am, and the pressure to do more, be more (or less if you consider that one of the issues is weight loss!), and keep achieving comes from the expectation of earning and pleasing. Now I will share how I got there.

Last Friday I wrestled with thoughts to stop smoking (yes, I am dealing with this again). There is some shame around this, and yet, as I neared the end of my pack of cigarettes I had feelings of panic. So I asked myself “would there be a situation where I could see myself quitting?” I knew if someone asked me to do it for them based on their need that I could and would stop for their benefit. That bothered me, and so I asked myself why I couldn't do it for myself. Deep inside, I heard this reference to being a “big girl” and doing whatever was asked of me. Being a big girl is really about performing for someone else. I can hear and sense the feelings about being a big girl for daddy or mommy, or the teacher, or my grandparents. Being a big girl is linked to wanting or needing or expecting to be helpful...be useful, compliant, obedient, responsible, pleasant,… And I realized that I did not want to be a big girl.  In this, I mean that I recognized I was identifying with that little girl presently, and that I did not want to stop smoking.

Yesterday, I saw the connection to my comforting myself (through smoking for instance) and this big girl memory. I’m taken back to age three when I gave up my finger sucking and the pillow I snuggled (I’ve mentioned this in other postings) after my mother asked me to stop (“Big girls don’t suck their fingers…”). This pattern of my willingness to do this “tough thing” as in denying myself of some pleasure for instance so that I may get approval and love (and not feel rejected?) dates back to this time which is why it surfaced again. Without the main means of comforting myself at age three led to a lifelong replacement in food, and later, in cigarettes. It’s a pretty clear connection why these would become my default, go-to means of comforting.

I brought all these thoughts and feelings to the therapy room yesterday, completely expecting to deal with my hesitancy and move towards doing “the right thing” of quitting smoking and getting on track to lose weight. That was just a logical expectation to me. Of course I would need to do these things…the sooner the better…because I need to work on that next step, the next level, get that approval, keep seeking more.  By doing this, it will lead me where I need to go and to be. And at that place is where I will feel loved and be accepted and have it together. It wasn't about being physically healthier, but about meeting an external expectation.

It all shifted when Debra asked me this question, “Are you ok with where you are? Do you love yourself right now?” I paused…for quite a while. Tears formed while I meditated on that question, and she wanted to know why the tears. The realization that I am happy; that I am ok with myself brought some of the tears because it seems almost audacious of me to be ok with myself; actually, absurd that I could feel ok, especially at this weight. Yet, there it was…an acceptance of who I am right now. It is a product of all this wonderful love I have felt from God. I just hadn’t seen it or realized how it is shifting the way I see myself. I suppose it is the layer effect, and this one was now exposed in all its richness.

The link to being three is the feeling that I am being asked to change something that I am ok with. I’m pretty sure that I was ok with my finger sucking when I was three; others weren't. Oddly enough, I’m ok right now just as I am. There is an external pressure to have me change. I know that from this place of acceptance that when I do approach these same issues of smoking and weight loss that it will come from a loving place within me rather than an external one where I’m seeking to be loved. I look forward to sharing that experience as well. Today, I’m set for cruising. 

Let’s Soak in This for Awhile

I reflect today on the feelings of emerging from a three-month soaking.  Somewhere in the fall I knew I was in a different season of recovery and I didn't much care for it. It is when I stopped blogging altogether, I had physical limitations with my neck and shoulder, and I felt stuck because I didn't feel like I was moving.  There is a difference I have learned between being stuck, and being still.

In this recovery journey, there have been those moments I call “a-ha” awareness or “you-have-got-to-be-kidding me” awareness, or the gut-wrenching “great, now that I see this, what next?” awareness.  (That last one is a butt-kicker, by-the-way.)  My instinct response to a new awareness is to move forward.  Let’s just clip along, get this dealt with, and get over it. That is not The Therapist’s response. Hers: “Now, just let it soak.”

The first time she told me this was over the phone when I had phoned her in desperation. I was a crying mess, I had feelings and memories surface about my childhood that were extremely painful. I wanted to medicate, flee, do SOMETHING, to move out of that pain.  And her reply to the appeal…”just be with it for now.”  For us doers, that really is like a sentence term. Not doing something is to not perform and to not produce…it’s not moving forward! I remember thinking “This soaking, being, baking, resting, sit-with-it stuff may be needed for some, but not me. I get it, now let’s get on with it.” The problem is I didn’t have enough tools to know what to do with what had just been uncovered. I had no choice but to sit and soak.  Well, actually I did have a choice. I could medicate. Fortunately, I did not choose that path.

So soaking has become a part of the recovery process for me.  Work, read, pray, press-in, meditate, discuss, reflect, soak,…the process was working rather well.  I got used to the ebb and flow. I've written quite a bit about my journey.  And then the postings stopped, as did the familiar ebb and flow. I didn't write because I didn't know what to write. I felt stuck. I complained to Debra. She said she would let me know if she felt that my recovery wasn't progressing. Yes, I continued to deal with things in my life - for instance the issue of my love addiction took a front row seat to the work I was doing. But it still felt awkward and uncomfortable. I wanted to feel a shift. I wanted more evidence.

At one session, Debra gave me her baking a cake analogy: in essence, the combining of cake ingredients does not produce a cake until it is baked. (I got a much longer, elaborate version, or course!)  I had a lot of ingredients deposited in me and I needed to allow time for them to bake. Given my sugar and flour abstinence, we will return to the soaking metaphor. 

The days became weeks which then became months.  I call it my “Season of Soaking.”  I often questioned whether I was making any progress or not. Actually, I do kind of relate to that cake just sitting there wondering if anything is happening. And low and behold, something did!

In the last few weeks I have felt less cake-like but instead like a bloom bursting forth or the butterfly emerging from its cocoon. My recent blog postings To be Cherished by The One Who Loves Me and My Vision Revisited give insight to the wonderful things happening within me. I am indeed grateful and joyful and very much in a totally new place. This post is to acknowledge the value in what I couldn't see was so important – that there is something to that soaking. During that time I didn't stop doing my work. I didn't stop reflecting, pressing in, meditating, and reading. The awareness continued, but with far less fervor.

My God, has courted me, loved me, and cherished me. From that has come a sense of value and self-esteem, and so much, that I would gladly soak another umpteen months to receive these gifts. There are others, too. I have awareness around the idea of being still. One aspect of that is to relax…to chill…to rest in what is being done, has been done, and what is yet to come. It is a new awareness all in itself.  I get it. Be still; soak; let God do His work.

To be Cherished by The One Who Loves Me

In recovery, we talk about our Higher Power, the God of our understanding, and various elements to a spiritual awakening. I reflect on recent events and the life-changing gift to me where I know I crossed over to a new place in recovery where serenity replaces insanity.

The context begins with my efforts to undercover how my behavior as a love addict shows up in my life. Most obvious is the holding onto and remaining in a relationship that is unhealthy.  There are other elements around having few healthy boundaries, feeling empty and incomplete when alone, the need to rescue and/or be rescued to name a few. I uncovered an area in my life that I hadn't seen as part of this addiction – assigning magical qualities to others and then after idealizing them, blame them for not fulfilling our fantasies and expectations.

Facing this pattern of mine – I have done this in romantic, family, friend, and recovery relationships – has not been pleasant by any means. Most recently when I saw this in an important relationship to me, I wanted to hide, to ignore it, pretend it really wasn't there, minimize it.  The fears of losing the relationship and feeling rejected were very present. However, I reviewed my options. The only suitable and acceptable one in my world was to just press on by accepting the consequences. The amazing thing is that once I did that, and decided to own my behavior, feelings, and thoughts, the negative power behind the fears disseminated. I had a whole new outlook before me. I felt strength and hope and began picturing how I can show up as a healthy adult in not only that one, but in all my relationships.

That night and the next morning, a transformation happened.  The mostly head knowledge of being loved and cherished by God became heart knowledge. I felt from within His amazing acceptance and love. I describe this as being cherished. I could see myself through new lens. Then this amazing gift of being loved permeated into my being and I could believe that if God loved me through and through, who am I to not believe that? By golly, then I am lovable! I am beautiful! And I am a catch! That is how it came to me…those three sentences. So I have been repeating them several times a day. It is making a difference!

As I meditate on what God has been showing me about His care for me in the details of my life I realize that He has been courting me! He has diligently been giving me all sorts of indications that He has His eye on me…that He finds me irresistible (there is a wink in there I believe). This morning I had the privilege of sharing my experience, strength, and hope around my recent gift – I call it “The Miracle” – and in reviewing it, I see the change in me.

This [knowing that I am cherished by God] is what I've come to realize that recovery is all about. When we are trying to get power, control outcome, obtain something out of our control – these all belong to God – then my life becomes unmanageable. The inner peace marked by serenity comes with the love, acceptance, and worthiness we each have as His creation.  We can’t earn it, lose it, or change it. No one can provide that for me but I can receive it for myself.