The Sara Canvas

After last week’s reality check and what I now call the “fully functioning adult” session with Debra, I decided to take a deeper look into my past and present behaviors to reexamine who I want to be, say when I turn 50 (in a year and a half). After all, 50 is a rather significant milestone, and I can pretty much guarantee you that I will be mentioning this more than a few times between now and then.  I have been focusing on this for nearly 3 years already. After the wonder child, Will, graduated high school, I knew it was time to focus on my health, my life, and getting my act together.  I was 45 and I decided to give myself until 50 to reach those initial goals.  Little did I know how significant the changes would be! I had no thought of divorce or the recovery journey that I am now on.But I am so thankful for the life crash because I am now looking at a blank canvas of Sara.  Most of my life – perhaps all of my life – has been about me in relation to someone else: a daughter, a wife, a mother, a sister, an employee. I remain most of those things, but a part from all of my roles, there is a me - a blank Sara canvas. 

The background should be colorful. I like variety and discovery; routine has not been my norm, let me acknowledge, and so this canvas should not be boring. Perhaps it is a mixed-media piece. I enjoy music and art, reading and writing, teaching and learning, collecting vintage stuff, and conversation. Yes, I love to talk,or as we call it in Iowa, “visit”. When we “visit” in Iowa, we have spent an extended period of time, likely over coffee, talking and reconnecting and discussing the important issues of the day. Yes, I would do some visiting everyday.  There is an art to it, and I think I have it. I am drawn to people; people from all walks of life with differing backgrounds, ages, interests, and personalities and there is no better delight for me to share an experience with someone.

I’m also learning that I like to do some things that actually require my body to move. I discovered weight lifting a couple of years ago, and who knew I’d like that? Not I!! I also love my morning walks with my friend as we venture into Sabino Canyon. Did I mention early morning walks –say 5 am? It’s dark and I see the beautiful starlit sky and hear the hoo-hooing of owls!  It is absolutely grand.

This Sara canvas will have some richness to it. I see the woman who has overcome a lot,but the overriding victory is the absence of addictive behaviors. I have been imagining what it is like to live in contentment and to not be drawn to eating or smoking to fill a void or to avoid feeling pain. This contrasts previous dreams of being thin or being “happy”. This canvas has more depth because it is about an inside job. I believe I will be thin, too, but the real transformation is within. This is because this Sara has grown up and is now a FFA (my short for fully functioning adult), and enjoys the benefits of healthy adulthood. She relates from a place of worthiness; she makes decisions from a place of wholeness and maturity; she exhibits appropriate vulnerability. Her emotions are freely shared, but contained for her sake and others. She is ok with herself and being single, but is an excellent companion as well.

There are tough times and calmer, smoother stages through this journey. Today, I pause to look to the future – to give it some details, to enhance the vision and to give my heart room to dream. It is a blank canvas, and I am starting to mix my paints.

The Other Side of the Coin

It is amazing what a couple of week days off of work can do for the soul.  I had such a low point on Wednesday, recognizing I had finally exposed an ugly truth about my beliefs. This awareness was frightening, yet strangely empowering. Once a lie is exposed, it loses power. So that which has been driving me, unknowingly to my conscious mind, no longer has that hidden force to it. There may be a force, but I can now choose to do something about it! Which I am.

The first step I took was to allow myself to feel the pain of this, for a time. Then it became clear to me to move forward in the Healing Lane. The belief that I need to earn my love is a lie. I have head knowledge about that, so it seems I just need to believe it in my depths. There are a lot of tools to help me with this. In recovery we talk about affirmations. This is very powerful. I have also received a wonderful list of affirmations of what scripture says about who I am. I am responsible for what thoughts I entertain, and I am choosing to focus on my value and worth. It is taking responsibility for myself. Healthy adults do this; I want to exhibit healthy adult behavior!

There are other tools for me. Setting healthy boundaries for myself is always a good choice.  I have been reading, meditating, and working on overcoming my codependency. Without putting in the effort to identify my thoughts, own and release the feelings, and change my behavior, I will remain stuck. I have a renewed commitment to myself about becoming who I envision Sara to be. This includes being freed from the addictions, especially the draw to eating inappropriately. 

It has been something like turning over a coin – on one side of the coin is the pain, the reality of today, the rawness. That side of the coin is real and important. Not recognizing the pain and the reality is living in denial (not healthy!). But the other side of the coin is the potential of where I can go because of who I am having dealt with that pain. I am the coin; the pain is mine but so are the dreams, worthiness, and courage to deal with the pain. To not turn over the coin to look at what can be done, to see what else lies within - that is not healthy either. 

Today is about acceptance. I am ok. I am more than ok, I am great. I am reminded that whatever I am feeling – pain, joy, anger, loneliness… – this, too, shall pass. I can deal with whatever unpleasant reality is exposed, and I can move forward with my choices to better myself as well. It is just part of the journey. One primary goal in my journey is to stay in the Healing Lane, which is what I refer to as my efforts in becoming a fully functioning adult and not being codependent. It is about choices. I'm very happy to be making some healthy ones. 

The Darkest Spot

Sometimes it isn’t easy to put to words what I’m feeling, to describe the pain and angst of looking deep within myself in searching for the source of my misguided beliefs or the root of the dysfunction. I read books by noted authors and therapists, attend support groups, do deep soul-searching, and of course, have weekly therapy appointments. It is about my journey; my desire to get to the very core of my issues. Why? Because I’m tired of knowing I’m not all here. There is a part of my soul that is covered and protected; a part that is sad and empty. That place, call it a hole or a dark spot, or whatever it is, needs healed. It feeds my addictions, it is a parasite on my self-worth, and it is the part that desperately needs freed from the bondage and pain.

I uncovered a negative belief today that is giving me a clue about this deep dark place. It is my desire to know without any doubt that no matter what I do - should I never do another right thing again in my whole life - that I am still loved and accepted. I endeavor to do the right thing and to be pleasing to others as a general practice. I have learned that this is a coping skill  in order to get attention, to receive love, and to feel a belonging to the social units in my life – like family, friendships, and work. It has worked well for me in general; not so much in my marriage, but otherwise I have followed the good daughter, good friend, good student, good girl rules by and large. Mostly I have gotten the approval I desired. It is how I function, and I'm not sure if I separate when I do "the right thing" whether it is out of a habit of pleasing or just habit.

The problem is that doing to receive isn't enough. Performance for love never is. There is a deep down belief that should I cease to perform, then the love will cease as well.  The drive to please and perform undermines the real issue of just being loved. Regardless, of my ability to produce or perform or function or serve or whatever.

I crave to know that I am loved through and through, whether I attain all that God has planned for me or I don’t do one more thing for Him, even turning my back on Him. I have always believed He loves me, but I also know I have done my best to be lovable, and so there is a twist in that logic.  I am facing doubts and questions about myself and my self-worth, which translates in my mind to feeling less than, feeling inadequate, and an almost nullifying effect on me. I've grown weary of doing and performing, and tired of trying to earn my acceptance.

This is a difficult subject. It isn't easy to write about or acknowledge these things. I do this because it helps me. I choose to get as honest as I know to be in order to look at and examine what is going on deep within me. It is painful, yet I trust in the process. It requires that I dare greatly and take risks beyond my general vulnerable level. It is my hope that in having the light shine on that dark spot, that God will reach me in that most tender and awful place. I pray that by risking all that is in me, I will find the peace and love that only He can provide.

I sit here on my patio which is where I go to find peace for myself and to process what is going on within me. Today I face the very real challenge of trusting God. I still want to smoke; I still want to eat. The temptation to medicate and to go numb is very real.  I do not want to continue in unhealthy behaviors, and especially not deliberately. I will continue down the Healing Lane for this is my course, my journey, and where I will continue to find the answers I seek, where wholeness awaits. 

Learning the Recovery Mindset

When I started recovery last summer I had no idea what I was really in for. I knew I wanted to “get in the Healing Lane” and move forward with my life. I was facing the ending of my marriage and the consequences of being a codependent. I had already been dealing with some of the issues as I understood them regarding my weight and food addictions. So I buckled up and faced into the pain for what I thought would be an intensive few months.

Several months later, and after shedding a lot of blood, sweat, and tears, I am learning to measure my progress by moments and memories. I’m not sure what I thought recovery was going to be, what was really meant by the term recovery, or what it was to require of me. Today, I define recovery loosely as the on-going life-changing transformation from dysfunction to being healthy. It asks for honesty, self-reflection, willingness, courage, fortitude, stamina, perseverance (how many synonyms can I use?!), gentleness, forgiveness, self-care, compassion, and grit. It requires putting the clock and the calendar away, and allowing time to do its work. Not passivity, yet not being completely proactive either.

One example from early on comes to mind.  I phoned Debra in desperation. I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't work, and I had no idea what to do. I was a mess. I wanted to know what book to read, a homework assignment, something…I wanted healing and NOW! She said I needed to just be with this new information that had surfaced for a while. I think she used the term "bake". Huh? Be?? Be what? Be how?? Bake? That was even more illusive to me. I hated that answer. I finally had some new revelations on some childhood issues and now I had to just be with them?

I have come to my own understanding what she means when she says this. My thoughts and emotions sometimes are just ahead of the healing. When I’m thinking and feeling “stop this pain now!”  I want to go somewhere to ease the pain. But right on the other side of the pain IS the healing. That is why it is called a breakthrough! That time in living through the pain - that is the struggle, that is the time when I just need to allow the miracle to happen. This process has occurred in my life many times in the past months, and I am learning to trust it more and more.

Today I am reminding myself this because the pain is still tough. It still hurts. Sometimes I don’t even know where the pain is coming from. There is this well that sometimes just erupts. Tears flow and it takes the recovery mindset to keep from medicating to ease the pain. With each challenge, there is something new to learn. There are a lot of tools to assist with getting through these times. I utilize a lot of them daily, like reaching out to someone, meditating or praying, reading, and writing.

I’m not sure what is up with me today. I have wanted to smoke. I mean really badly. Here it is Day 7 of no smoking and it is the worst thus far. So I’m not even sure if it is the withdrawal of the smoking that is causing the pain and tears, or if the tears are causing me to want to smoke! That is the soaking part. I have to allow the healing to catch up with my thoughts and emotions, or be willing to press into my own thoughts and feelings which is equally or more tough!

Yesterday, for instance, I was home alone and very sad.  I was facing an addiction fix – wanting to smoke or eat. I very much knew I would need to get through this. I cried for awhile, and recognized I was feeling very young. This is a sign I've been triggered and there is something else going on. I decided to comfort my inner child and to take a nap. That helped, certainly, but the feelings returned. So I decided to put on my Debra cap and began with a feelings check.

I feel like I am going to whither or disappear. Or maybe I want to disappear? I feel weak and powerless and frozen and burdened and guilty and shameful and angry and sad. Very childlike. I realize I am triggered. I want to smoke because I feel overwhelmed. Do I feel anything else? Lonely; fear. Fear of what? A fear of things coming down around me, of getting lost in the chaos and not being able to get myself out. I am transported to my childhood. There are numerous tasks and things to be done at our home.  I am feeling the fear of my dad yelling and going into a rage and then my mother crying or becoming overwhelmed and my becoming completely disconnected.

It is starting to become a little clearer to me now. I look at the tasks that need to be done in my own home and the same feelings of my childhood return. I’m not sure how this all relates, but I am able to refocus my thoughts away from medicating (eating or smoking) and back to my self-care. I reach out to a friend and weather this episode.

And now I have weathered this one. When I take the time to redirect my thoughts away from self-medicating to avoid the pain and instead work on feeling the pain and releasing it, I get a breakthrough. Writing gives me the avenue to slow down my thoughts and refocus my feelings. It helps me answer the tough questions, and to find peace through the release of my thoughts. That is a wonderful gift, which has been needed today.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow." ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

Respecting Boundaries

Since starting this recovery journey, I have been dealing face to face with lessons in boundaries. So much so that sometimes just hearing the word “boundaries” can trigger an eye roll – real or imagined. “Oh, not again” I would think to myself. But it is “again” and “again” because I had so few boundaries and there has been so much to learn about the lack of setting my own and honoring others’. Gradually I have begun setting them for myself, and respecting those set by others. It is helping immensely with my growth, and I am so thankful to learn the importance of boundaries in self-care.

One of the most significant aspects to the value of having boundaries is for my own protection. I have seen how overextending my energies is a boundary issue, and how much it is at the core of much of the problems within my family. The lack of them has created enmeshment causing a breakdown in trust and communication resulting in anger, pain, and resentment. I am also seeing the need and appropriateness for boundaries in work and all of my relationships.

I was sharing a breakthrough in this area recently (see Free to Be post) with Debra when she asked me how I maintain healthy boundaries when I am dealing with someone who isn't in a healthy state. I admit, I struggled with answering this because I couldn't recall an example where I experienced this. I have plenty of examples of having set no boundaries and my lack of understanding the need for them. It certainly got me thinking!

I've had a couple weeks to contemplate this, and that is a good thing because the application is at hand. I am facing an issue where my boundaries have been ignored. Well, Sara, welcome to life. This is recovery in practice, not "in theory" or merely studying it. I might as well get used to addressing this. Recovery isn't about achieving some level of problem-free living, but rather about how we handle the problems that we encounter. 

I’m not feeling particularly healthy over how I'm handling this; the ordeal has had its emotional and mental drain on me. I'm tired of processing this, actually. My greatest hope is that I will pass this lesson and in so doing, I receive the desired growth and therein gain some insight. In addition, may I have peace from practicing self-care by respecting my own boundaries. 

One beautiful part of recovery is accepting that we are all on our individual journeys, and that we strive for progress not perfection. I may not be where I want to be, but I’m not where I used to be! I've got plenty to learn, but for now, I will accept today's lesson. 

Life without Cigarettes

Last July when things turned upside down in my life, I started smoking.  I was dealing with an avalanche of emotions, confusion, and life changes. I recall sitting on my patio thinking “what now?” and I realized I could openly smoke a cigarette on my patio. I was reclaiming my patio and my autonomy and exerting my new found life. That was very empowering for me. Tony hates smoking and yes, I was exerting my independence. Sounds a bit juvenile and spiteful, but I am looking at things as honestly as I can, so let’s just call it like it is. I don’t consider this my display of healthy decisions.  However, I think handling things as I did then doesn't need complete scrutiny. I made some very adult decisions as well. I sought out help in the form of a good therapist and began attending a support group, among other things. I gave myself permission to handle Tony’s departure and the subsequent events with a vice. I also decided at the time that I was giving myself a time limit to this smoking binge. It just doesn't fit in the Healing Lane.

I've known that I picked up my smoking habit as a replacement for the sugar and starch addiction that is a much greater issue with me. My addictive behaviors are all interwoven, and whether it is compulsive eating or smoking, I’m tired of not dealing with the underlying issues. It just seems the right time to put some added energy into facing whatever is it that I’m avoiding. The Healing Lane calls for it. So I quit smoking this week. Yesterday, actually.

I’m learning the importance of doing things in my best interest and to not seek acceptance through doing for others. Frankly, it would have been easier to make the choice to give up smoking for someone else, though. I’m working through those issues (Can I get an “amen” from my fellow codependents?). So I note that I quit smoking for myself. However, I chose to quit at this time in honor of my friend’s birthday. I knew that it would bring her happiness, as she is in the medical field and has been very concerned for my well-being. She has been a great encouragement to me for over 25 years, often much more concerned for my health than I was for myself. These are the kinds of friends that are precious gifts that we cherish close to our hearts. It was very timely to make the no smoking commitment now.

I know smoking is really a disgusting habit and there isn't anything positive to say about its worth. So let me be clear: I am not defending smoking. Now I want to confess how much I enjoy it. I miss my morning smokes, my afternoon smokes, and my last night smokes. I miss the escape that it brings. There is a comfort in some weird way. I need to unzip here to be completely vulnerable about how long and deep this attraction to smoking has been in my life. I was 13 the first time I started smoking cigarettes. My friend and I were both dealing with family issues; her parents had just divorced and mine were considering it. I guess it is no surprise that we started looking for ways to appease the turmoil around and within each of us. I continued my smoking through high school. I didn't carry cigarettes on me, but if I was drinking alcohol, I smoked.  The social smoking pull has continued for most of my life in fact.There was a relatively short time when I smoked regularly. I just decided to quit one day. Like that. I stopped.

I would manage to pick up and drop the habit without much struggle throughout my marriage, though. I was very unhappy in my marriage and when I especially wanted to act out my anger at Tony I would go away privately to smoke. In addition, I have usually smoked while I am away at a work conference each fall. There have been a few times that stopping was more challenging, and I realize these occasions coincide with other aspects of my life being in turmoil. As an addiction, it has served me well in not addressing my problems. The problem is that is the problem: I avoided the problem. Hmm, sounds rather unhealthy.

Today, I struggle. This smoking for seven months has been soothing in lots of ways, but with it came bondage. I’m working at overcoming the desire to medicate, soothe, escape, and numb the feelings and thoughts of my life. The struggle is not caving into a compulsive act in avoidance of those feelings. Whether the addictive behavior is with a substance or a compulsive act, those of us caught in those addictions should have compassion for each other. I am learning that we can relate to one another by showing some understanding. If a friend is working sobriety by giving up alcohol, then I can work sobriety without sugar (or cigarettes or whatever). It is a mutual struggle. Her beer is my pastry; his gambling is my smoking.  We each have a journey and some parts of it require more effort.  It is what it is, and so we press on. 

The Cost of Growing Up

Growing myself up is requiring me to get real about doing things I don’t like to do. Sounds pretty basic, and I’ll just expose myself and be vulnerable. It’s supposed to help with my healing. Today I headed out to work and discovered that my car had a flat tire. That alone is startling because I have had someone watching those things for me most of my life. I have not been accustomed to even paying attention to that sort of thing. So I am a little shocked that I even noticed that the car was not driving as usual. I was a block or so from my house, and once I determined that my tire was flat, I turned around and drove home. I asked my dad to help me with the tire, which he did. Once given the go-ahead of tire inflated and no visible nails or screws in the tire, I headed out for the second time. Alarming noises prompted my stopping once again, checking on the tire, and deciding that turning around was the best move. Ugh.

Previously, this is when I would have called Tony to let him know that the car had issues and he needed to handle this. I knew this was not a healthy option to take, even if Tony is still willing to handle it.  My dad was ready to resume his previous cartaker role. After all - car issues? Not my gig. Headache in the making. Temper-tantrum temptation. So at that possibility, the thought bubble read, “Yes, Dad, rescue me! Take care of it! Gladly! Go, Papa! My hero!” And the next bubble read, “Wait a minute, Sister. This doesn't look like adult behavior!" And the last, "Shoot. I’m going to have to deal with this myself. Grow up, Sara.” 

A few hours later upon driving away from the dealership complete with a new tire, I reflected on this  growth lesson. I handled it. I didn't have a meltdown. The car is fixed and I'm returning to work. I was ready for a billboard to be erected in my honor.  I had just dealt with the kind of stuff I dread. I have had someone (ok, it has almost always been a man) to take care of these horrid events for most of my life. Even in college when I didn't have my dad in town, I called him and he walked me through the ordeal handling most of the decision making. Faced with this today, he was still willing to take it on. Maybe it is kind of dad thing, but I’m not in college anymore and it is a caretaker thing. This is not life or death stuff, so I just needed to handle it and quit my codependent behavior!

I think taking a little deeper look at this has some value. What was my problem anyway? What was I fearing? Feelings check: Shame. From what? Failure. I had allowed the men in my life to make many of the decisions in my life because I was afraid of making the wrong ones. With the sense of failure comes the feeling that I am less than what I should be. What if I spent money on a tire that I didn't need? What if I drove the car and caused further damage to the car? What ifs… It seems this fear of failure was all about financial ramification. Can I not make a decision and just live with the consequence of my choice? Who gets to pronounce me a failure but myself anyway? No one! I am certainly not a failure. My gauge for success today is" just doing it" through handling the car needs. Growing up is of more value to me than the cost of a tire or car repair!

Price of a new tire: $260. Price of car repair: $155. Value of growing up: Priceless.